Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What spoon do you eat with, a teaspoon or "soup" spoon? I have relatives who are doubtful, and I get teased all the time about this.

GENTLE READER: Please do not take it as adding to your torment when Miss Manners explains that soup spoons are used to eat soup and teaspoons to stir tea.

Flatware is not the etiquette booby-trap that people seem to think. Truly, we only ask that tables be set with the equipment people need to eat the food in front of them without making an undue mess, and that it be laid out in the order in which that food is to be eaten. On the whole, the nomenclature is pretty straightforward.

Perhaps the confusion you experience comes from the scarcity of dessert spoons. An oval soup spoon can easily pass for one, but because teaspoons are sold as an indispensable part of the basic place setting, people who don't give daily tea parties reach for that instead, figuring it must have some use. It would be more sensible to buy a double set of oval spoons for those who want both soup and dessert at the same meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a piano recital to be performed by my boss' 20-year-old son. Though I am casual friends with her, we do not socialize outside of work.

The recital will be held on a Sunday afternoon in her home. It will last 45 minutes and will be followed by light refreshments. Approximately 40 people have been invited.

Are attendees normally expected to bring gifts to such events? If so, what is considered appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Unless the young gentleman is known to be a prodigy, attending an amateur recital is, in itself, a gift. That, and remembering that you are there as a support system, not a music critic.

But for all Miss Manners knows, the young gentleman may be a real musician. You need not bring a present in any case, but if he is, you may wish you had flowers to throw at his feet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been having a problem with gossiping neighbors. Some of the things said would win a celebrity millions in a lawsuit.

I did visit an attorney over suing a person, and he stated that I had a good suit and would win, but the most I could be awarded would be $100, and my legal fees would be in the thousands.

One of the neighbors lives with her mentally challenged brother, who owns the home, which was left for him by their parents.

How should I handle this? I feel as if I need to confront her and put her in her place.

GENTLE READER: But her place is right near your place.

Geographically, this means that it is a poor idea to escalate an already bad situation. You may be sure that a hostile neighbor is not going to fold quietly if you fire back at her.

At the etiquette level, since you have addressed your question to Miss Manners, you put yourself on an equal basis with the rude neighbor. What if she were to bring a suit against you for the things you are tempted to say, and it is only your word that she started it?

The best defense would be, whenever her name is mentioned, to say you feel sorry for her and wonder if she is in need of help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college professor at a small university, and I have had several students take a snippy, rude or high-handed tone with me.

When offering a range of times at which I would be available to meet with a student, I was interrupted and told shortly, "Well, it will have to be after 3 on Monday, because that's the only time I'm free."

Another student wrote, "I just feel that we need to straighten this situation out and make sure that we're both on the same page!" when, in fact, she simply did not like the lateness policy.

A third told me, "I want to know what's happening with this grade, because I'm not used to getting grades like this and I'm going to medical school!"

To the written correspondence, I respond in a polite and coldly formal fashion. However, I have difficulty in person or on the phone. I would resort to a simple, neutral "I beg your pardon?" but I'm afraid that they will fail to grasp the intent of this reply. How can I indicate that a student's tone is inappropriate without being rude in return?

GENTLE READER: It is not rude for you to issue instructions to your students: You are, after all, a professor.

Granted that this is remedial work that they should have mastered long ago. But Miss Manners suspects that they really do not understand the concept of respect for those who -- by definition -- know more than they do. Respect should be mutual, of course, but there is a hierarchy here that must be recognized.

Perhaps she would not suggest going as far as the professor who saved himself trouble by announcing that anyone who wanted to argue about a grade would get five points off automatically, so that the argument had better be good enough to take that into account. But you do need to protect yourself.

The correct answer to all of these snippy remarks is a quiet, "I'm sorry, but I am giving this course, and I set the rules."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the one entrusted by my mother to distribute her assets now that she has died at the age of 96, I am at a loss as to how to dispose of the nightgown that I found in her drawer that I believe she wore on her wedding night.

It's beautiful, but she was a private person, and I feel uncomfortable letting others know of its existence. Giving it to someone doesn't seem right, but neither does trashing it.

What would be the correct and sensitive way to handle this, and protect and honor a woman I loved?

GENTLE READER: Keep it -- how much space can it occupy? -- with a tag on it giving its provenance. One day you will hear of a relative who considers it a sentimental and historic treasure -- or one such relative of yours will show up when your own estate is distributed. Miss Manners assures you that there is one in every family.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to place your flatware in a flatware caddy? Handles down or up?

GENTLE READER: Oh, no you don't. Miss Manners is backing away from this, but not because she is not the Household Hints Department. (If she were, she would stop hinting and say what she had to say outright.)

This is a well-known area of contention between otherwise happily married couples. If it were removed, they might find more damaging content for disagreements.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently turned down a family member's request for a short-term loan. We had helped her in the past, and there were hard feelings afterwards.

The individual explained that it was a crisis situation in that she was unable to pay her rent for that month, as she would not be receiving a tax return within her estimated time frame. The same individual had gone on a vacation to Florida just one month before.

We politely, yet firmly, reiterated our decision not to involve money in our relationships with family and/or friends. We received an outraged e-mail response in which she attempted to make us feel guilty for not helping her.

A few weeks later, we received a request (also via e-mail) from her that I return two designer sweaters which she had previously given me as Christmas and birthday gifts. She asked that I have them dry-cleaned and that I send them to her PO box so that she could put them on consignment in order to generate some income.

We were stunned. What would the best response to this kind of request?!

GENTLE READER: To return the sweaters with no comment, written or spoken.

Miss Manners is under no illusion that this will shame your relative, for the simple reason that she is apparently shameless. Nor should you wait to be thanked, for the sweaters or anything else.

Your relative is not as canny as she imagines. The guilt strategy, as applied to those whose only fault has been misplaced generosity, may work on some people, although fortunately not on you. But it engenders the desire to be rid of the person imposing it and -- eventually -- the realization that attempts to buy such people off only inspires them to keep at it.

What saddens Miss Manners most is that such behavior has led to common wisdom that it is a mistake to do financial favors for relatives or friends. Yes, as you have found out, it sometimes is. But she hates to think that people such as your relative are hardening others against good people in need.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An afternoon wedding is planned and the invitation reads "black tie optional." What is appropriate formal wear for this time of day for gentlemen?

GENTLE READER: To refrain from exercising the black tie option.

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