DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a charity fundraising dinner by "Rich Friend 1." This is not an event I was otherwise planning to attend because of the cost, although I make a modest financial contribution annually to that charity and provide many hours of manual labor for it as well (between 50 and 60 hours a year).

A few days later, another lady who was a paying attendee, "Rich Friend 2," asked me how much I had donated during the event. Fortunately our conversation was interrupted and I did not have to reply. She pressed the question on me again a few days after that, and did so in front of mutual friends.

My response was a smile and "I can't imagine why that's important to you, but in any case I was very pleased with how much was raised." She then said Rich Friend 1 would like to know also. I then said, "Hmmm, she hasn't asked me." Rich Friend 2 then told me that a guest at a charity dinner is expected to donate money, which makes me think she already knew that I had not donated on that occasion.

I smiled again and said that I had not been her guest and truly feel it is my business (read: not your business) how much I donate to charity.

Is Rich Friend 2 correct that an invited non-paying guest to a charity event is expected to donate money at the event? Am I off base for finding Rich Friend 2's question rude and not one that required me to divulge the information requested? If Rich Friend 1 asks me the same question, what would be an appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Your friends are not very charitable, are they? Not to mention being inhospitable and nosy.

Although guests may be invited to such events in the hope that they will become interested in the charity, there is no charge for being a guest. And you are already a donor, not just of money, but more significantly, of your time.

Miss Manners' advice, then, is to continue deflecting rude interrogations, and perhaps to run with a better crowd.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would Miss Manners advise people do if a tornado warning were to be announced during a wedding/party/etc.?

GENTLE READER: Seek shelter. Etiquette does not require people to stand on ceremony when they are likely to be blown away.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was always taught that a formal invitation should be mailed. Am I being too picky?

GENTLE READER: Not picky enough, actually. If you are going to cite tradition without allowing for practicality, then you need to know the full history.

When postal services came into widespread use, the picky people of the time argued that it was wrong, if not vulgar, to use it for delivering formal invitations. They were taught that the only proper delivery method was hand delivery by a footman who could return with the response.

Presumably, they tried to pass on this teaching, but it did not take, especially not among those who lacked their own footmen. Miss Manners does not advise you to enter this argument.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While it's important not to waste resources, what is the proper thing to do when one flush doesn't remove all of the waste?

It seems to be wasteful to continue flushing just to be sure all is gone before the next user needs to use the facilities, but also not nice to leave anything behind.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners does not advocate being unnecessarily wasteful -- she has her limits. And that is to do whatever it takes to make a public facility reasonably hygienic after use. After all, throwing up in the toilet after seeing its previous contents will also cost an additional flush. So let us call this one even.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should I wear to a "black tie optional" wedding when the ceremony begins at 2 p.m. and the reception begins at 5 p.m.?

Should I wear my reception dress to the ceremony, or something more casual and change during the gap between the ceremony and reception? I've purchased a floor-length chiffon gown to wear to the reception, but don't want to be overdressed!

GENTLE READER: Your instinct is correct. Long dresses and black tie should not be worn before dusk.

Your hosts must think that the more important event is the party, rather than the marriage ceremony. So while Miss Manners considers the phrase "black tie optional" silly -- hosts cannot make their dress codes compulsory -- she suggest taking the option and choosing a dressy short dress or suit proper for a formal daytime occasion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live in a very sociable neighborhood. The neighbors are not just casual acquaintances but good friends whose company we enjoy.

Our frustration lies with one friend in particular who lives in the house facing ours. The lady in question promptly accepts invitations to dinners or cocktail parties, and when she attends is a welcome and enjoyable guest.

However, she regularly texts my wife and me 15 minutes prior to the event and announces that she has settled in for the evening in her pajamas and is going to watch TV. This happens even though cocktails are early, around 6 p.m. most times.

Perhaps you could suggest a response to this friend for these texts, which make us feel that our event is of so little importance she cannot walk 100 feet to our door for an hour and then politely excuse herself before settling in to watch TV.

GENTLE READER: While there may be no response that will likely get her to change, not inviting her at all surely will. If she is bold enough to question why, say, "Oh, we felt so bad asking you to part with your valuable time at home. You are, of course, always welcome here if you see that we are entertaining. Just let us know when you are free."

Miss Manners feels confident that this woman will soon come running.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a doctor's receptionist calls to confirm your appointment and you are out, they practically demand that you call them to assure them you are keeping your appointment.

This is becoming epidemic. I find it annoying, as any respectable person will keep an appointment they make, or cancel it in a reasonable time. Thus I find this request rather insulting, as it translates to, "Assure me that you're an honest person."

GENTLE READER: The receptionist, who undoubtedly agrees with you about the importance of keeping appointments, would answer that the epidemic is among patients who do not. And being a member of a medical staff, he or she has a professional aversion to epidemics of any kind.

Miss Manners does not consider that the cure is worse than the disease. The reminder call is a kindness, so long as any request for confirmation is not too strongly worded. Doctors' offices do it as an alternative to the punitive, though acceptable, business practice of charging for missed appointments as if they had occurred.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper when someone apologizes and you know it isn't sincere? To just say, "I do not accept your apology," or what? How do I respond?

GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your saying that." It may be said in the same tone of voice that led you to believe that the apology was not sincere. And if you are on jury duty, Miss Manners assures you that an insincere apology does not prevent you from voting for conviction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many people do not feel the need to cancel parties, events, performances, games, etc., even though a close family member or friend has died. "She would have wanted the party to go on." That is what Clive Davis said when he held his pre-Grammy party with the body of his dead friend Whitney Houston still on the premises.

What is the rule about what events do or don't "go on" when a family member or close friend (how close?) dies. Does the football player still play in the Super Bowl the day after his father dies? Does the president address Congress the day after the death of his daughter (for example)? Where do you draw the line?

GENTLE READER: It is amazing how many recently deceased people take an interest in jolly events that they will miss. One used to be able to take it for granted that hosting a party or attending a joyous event while in mourning was something to be avoided.

However, this is not always possible. The Constitution allows flexibility in the timing of the State of the Union address, even if network television producers do not. Team members may need the contributions of a player who feels up to participating.

There can be no absolute rule, as the severity and closeness of the loss has to be weighed against the importance of the event, the ability to reschedule and the level of inconvenience to other participants. If participation is unavoidable and bearable, Miss Manners and good taste still expect subdued behavior, and the phrase "She would have wanted the party to go on" to be said in a funereal tone and not followed by open displays of hilarity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)