DEAR MISS MANNERS: Early in the school year, we received a request from the advancement director of the parochial school where our son attends kindergarten, requesting the addresses of his grandparents. The initial correspondence suggested that the school was looking to "build relationships" and hoping to invite grandparents into the school for various activities with the students.

With the grandparents' permission, I provided the school with their addresses, and the grandparents subsequently received an invitation for a Grandparents Day event months ago. Now, long after that event, the grandparents report that they received a letter from the school requesting donations.

Does this qualify as "building relationships"? Isn't this more or less a tacky bait-and-hook scheme? Am I wrong to be offended?

When I request that the grandparents' contact information be removed from the school's database, should I explain why?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners has found that people are reluctant to define a relationship as anything but a financial transaction. (Look at how many people don't consider themselves married unless they spend thousands on an over-the-top wedding reception.)

By all means, let the school know why you are requesting that your parents' information be removed. They should be aware that when you provide contact information for specific events, those are not blanket invitations to ask for money:

"I'm afraid my parents were not expecting to be solicited for fundraising. If it is possible to keep them only on the grandparent social events list, then they are happy to remain there. But if there are not separate lists, kindly remove them, and I will let them know about any pertinent social events for the school."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to scream in a shrill voice in crowds? I am so tired of having my eardrum ruptured by screaming girls and women at social events.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it is also presumptuous to assume that those shrill voices are limited to one gender.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have lived in this neighborhood for over 30 years, and many of our neighbors have lived here for over 40 years. As you have surmised, we are all older than dirt.

Over the years we have done many favors for the neighbors, like taking in mail or feeding cats when they are out of town, and were glad to do these favors.

Now some people are getting to the point that they cannot stay in their houses without sustained weekly help -- and they expect us to provide this help. I feel that I created this expectation by gladly doing so much in the past, and their feelings will be hurt if I draw the line.

But I want to draw the line. How do I handle this?

GENTLE READER: By stating that you are similarly older than dirt and don't have the energy or means. As a kinder way to do this, Miss Manners suggests: "Oh, I'm afraid we don't feel properly equipped to help you with the frequency and manner you require. Perhaps we can help you look into a service that checks in on you and does errands on a weekly basis. We may need the same service ourselves someday soon, so we would be happy to help do the research."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enter the small waiting room of a professional whom I visit for professional services. As I open the door, its lower edge disturbs mail that is lying on the floor, having been delivered through a slot. I gently shift the mail with my foot to save it from being mangled by the door, and take a seat.

Would it be impolite (an intrusion) to gather the mail and put it on the nearby small shelf? Is it impolite (negligent of an ordinary courtesy) to leave the slightly mussed mail on the floor?

GENTLE READER: Yes, to your second quandary. It is not, as implied in your first, impolite to touch someone else's mail.

Touching, Miss Manners hastens to add, does not include shaking it and listening for the result, holding it up to a strong light source or sniffing it. Leaving someone else's possession in a place where it is likely to come to harm (such as the floor of a busy waiting room) is impolite, as is placing it somewhere where it will become lost (such as on a shelf intended for medical samples) or not readily visible.

Touching something with your shoe, gently or otherwise, is not always a show of disrespect (Miss Manners is thinking now of soccer), but she cannot think of any situation in which it displays respect.

Pick up the letters and give them to the next resident professional with whom you come into contact. Innocent as was the way in which you acquired the letters, it will still be best to explain the circumstances rather than leave the owner to jump to the wrong conclusion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a company of approximately 400 people and was tasked with collecting a signed policy from all of these people. When I sent the form out via email, I started the title with the word "Mandatory" and gave everyone a deadline over three weeks away.

The deadline arrived, and I had received only about 275 responses. When I sent out a reminder (about one month after the original notice), I titled it "Mandatory Still Means You Have To." In the text of the message I said, "While hundreds of our employees did this, I haven't received yours yet."

Did I cross any etiquette lines with this wording? (For what it's worth, I got about 75 percent of the late people to respond.)

GENTLE READER: You did cross a line, but not the one you think.

Business etiquette allows a more direct approach than is permissible in the private sphere. But your attempt to cajole lightly was unbusinesslike. It was also unnecessary and likely counterproductive, as emails are notorious at not conveying tone: For every employee who took the subject line of your follow-up email as light humor, there will be another who took it as offensive sarcasm.

Give employees an initial deadline, send them reminders, and, if all else fails, call in higher authority. Miss Manners will forgive you if your email is addressed only to the guilty individual -- and therefore suggests, without saying, that he or she is alone in transgressing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is graduating high school this year. I would like to send announcements to my husband's and my aunts and uncles.

While I know an announcement is just that, announcing the graduation, there is sometimes an expectation of sending money or a gift. Many of these relatives are on a fixed income and cannot afford a gift.

I know they would want to know about my son's graduation, so I want to send them an announcement; however, I do not want them to feel obligated to send a gift. Would it be appropriate to include a note stating that gifts are not necessary?

GENTLE READER: Graduation announcements do a lot of damage, Miss Manners has observed. Although you are quite right that they are not demands for presents -- the only response required is congratulations -- recipients are hard put to think what other purpose they actually serve.

Formal announcements are made when there is an event that would be of such interest to so many people that other means of notification are impractical. So before buying the school's package of announcements, you should ask yourself how many people who would really care to know about this, such as relatives and close friends, don't already know, and how many people who don't know would much care.

As you have already said that you could write notes to the people on your list, there can't be hundreds of them. So why not just send them friendly notes, inquiring about themselves as well as mentioning the graduation? Or post the information wherever you put family news?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a religious person, but I treat other people's beliefs respectfully. When others I am with are praying, for example, I lower my head and hold my hands together.

But there is one situation I struggle with: when people pray for financial gain. To say that I find this repulsive is an understatement.

Should I just keep my mouth shut and play along, or is there a polite way to opt out?

GENTLE READER: There are people who pray for all kinds of reasons you may not find worthy of God's attention -- to win games, to smite their rivals, not to be caught when they did wrong.

But Miss Manners reminds you that these prayers are not addressed to you, however conspicuously they are uttered in your presence. By politely remaining silent while prayers are uttered, you are not endorsing the content.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many restaurants serve shrimp with the tail on, which presents a question about how to eat this gracefully. Does one pick up the shrimp by the tail to eat it? How does one eat the tiny morsel left in the tail? If the shrimp is cut up, do you leave the tail untouched? I want to enjoy every bit I can.

GENTLE READER: Having conducted a long and unsuccessful campaign to persuade restaurants to peel shrimp entirely, ready to be properly eaten in their entirety, Miss Manners would appreciate your support.

She gives you permission to bite into the tail to dislodge the meat, after having used it as a handle if no seafood fork was provided. Shrimp cocktails are expensive enough without sacrificing that morsel.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)