DEAR MISS MANNERS: My extended family has a history of division -- people not speaking to one another for years. I am guilty, too, but it's a multigenerational pattern I'd like to end in support of the next generation.

I write as we are planning our daughter's wedding. We are brimming over with joy, but there is one little burr in the saddle: One of my sisters has decided not to speak to me or our other sister.

I have just learned from a mutual friend that Silent Sister is coming to the wedding, and that is good. But I don't want Silent Sister to feel awkward, lurking about the fringes of the event like a coyote in the brush. My thought is to email ALL family members, including Silent Sister, asking them to volunteer for enjoyable tasks at the wedding, such as decorating the donkey with flowers or feeding the longhorns so they show up for the photographer.

My worry is that she'll attempt to create further drama rather than rising to the occasion. Do I let her isolate as she has chosen, or welcome her into the joy of this occasion? I want the focus to be on my daughter.

GENTLE READER: If donkeys and longhorns are involved, your daughter can give up all hope of being the focus. She will most certainly be upstaged.

Miss Manners therefore recommends that you focus, as you have been, on including your (perhaps undeserving) sister. Assigning tasks is not likely to accomplish this. If she is set on making a scene, it will be of her own doing.

Luckily, unless she chooses to prowl in the woods during the wedding, she is unlikely to upstage the animals.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I inform someone that he cannot come to my home unless he stops wearing perfume?

Each time we invite our brother-in-law for dinner, he brings his boyfriend, who not only has bad etiquette, but also wears the most obnoxious scent. It has caused bad migraines for the rest of us.

I am about to send another dinner invite to my brother-in-law, but I really want to emphasize that he needs to tell his boyfriend not to wear perfume -- or just not bring him at all. I am unable to tell his boyfriend directly, as he barely speaks English and I don't have his contact info.

GENTLE READER: What a blessing. Because "Please don't stink up the joint" is no way to welcome a guest.

Instead, appeal to your brother-in-law with some version of, "I am afraid that I must have developed an allergy or sensitivity to strong scents -- and Francois' cologne has been exacerbating it. Is there any way for him to avoid wearing it when he comes over? We do so enjoy his company otherwise."

Failing that, you could declare that you are taking extra COVID precautions and require that masks be worn in the house -- if only, perhaps, for its occupants.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I went to a restaurant with several friends, and as we waited for our order, everyone started looking at their smartphones. I saw a magazine and, since I don't own a smartphone, started reading it.

When we got home, my wife chastised me for having been rude. Do you agree with her?

GENTLE READER: Your wife is correct, but Miss Manners recognizes that your rudeness was a reaction to everyone else's in preferring email and sports scores to the friends seated across the table. She mentions that not to excuse your behavior, but so you will have something to say to your wife after you apologize -- assuming she was among the "everyone" checking out their phones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older sister was a deeply troubled person with a violent temper. When I was too little to fight back, she bullied and abused me mercilessly. As I grew up, I came to understand that she had mental health issues of some sort, and I felt sorry for her.

I tried many times to encourage her to seek help for her own sake, but I also saw that I had to protect myself and my loved ones. When I found out, through necessary legal paperwork, that she had passed away, the only thing I could feel was a sense of relief. I would not have to deal with the fallout from her outrageous, ugly behavior again, and hopefully she is at peace.

I had a visitor on the day the court paperwork arrived, and, curious about what I could possibly be receiving from an out-of-town attorney, I excused myself for a moment and opened it. Through this visitor, my other friends learned that my sister had passed away.

My attitude has been neutral when I've seen these friends: I've explained that my sister and I were not close, that I was fine, and changed the subject. The amateur psychologist of the group has decided that I am not OK, that I am being tortured by complicated grief and that she must draw the pain out of my subconscious so that I can heal.

There is no pain, other than the memories of the harm my sister did to those I love, and I want to leave that in the past where it belongs. How does one tell a truly caring and well-meaning friend to butt out?

GENTLE READER: Trying to convince your amateur friend that you feel no pain will not discourage her, so it is time to make her the sole custodian of a secret: "Thank you for your concern. I took your advice to heart and am speaking to someone about it."

Her natural assumption -- that you are referring to a medical professional, rather than the cat -- will give you another advantage. You can then, like rich defendants in high-profile criminal cases, pretend that doctor-patient (or, in their case, lawyer-client) confidentiality prohibits you from speaking about it further.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, a longtime friend sent me a private message through social media that just said, "Don had a massive heart attack and passed away."

I instantly thought it was a mutual friend I had been close with for over 20 years, but whom I'd been out of touch with for a couple years due to my move to another country. I was so upset and in tears at the news, I had to leave work early that day.

When I got home, I frantically reached out to other mutual friends only to find out that "my" Don was alive and well. Come to find out, the friend who sent me the message was referring to her ex-husband, whom she had been divorced from for many years and who rarely came up in conversation.

Still recovering from my grief and shock, I posted that it is VERY important to clarify who you are referring to when sharing bad news. I did not mention my friend, but she immediately "unfriended" me with a comment that I had "called her out" and embarrassed her, that she was struggling with her own grief and that I was selfish to post something like this "for attention."

I emailed her numerous times and apologized if I had offended her. It has been almost three years, and I still reach out to her occasionally with an olive branch by email or phone. But there is no response; it seems she has decided my offense was unforgivable, and I am now grieving the end of a 20-year friendship over a social media post.

I don't think I did anything horrible, given the circumstances, but what are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your original post was a public service, Miss Manners understands. She also understands why your friend did not see it that way. Nor, come to think of it, did you, since you felt called upon to make years' worth of apologies.

The real question is: Was it so bad that you cannot be forgiven? Miss Manners is inclined to agree that your friend is overreacting -- assuming, of course, that the apology was for the post and not merely for your friend being offended by it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend has the odd habit of bursting into not-so-quiet song while browsing through stores, sitting in restaurants or riding in the car. Her voice is OK, but it's both awkward and distracting, especially when one simply wants to listen to ambient music in her presence without unsolicited harmonies. I don't want to offend her, but find myself increasingly annoyed.

GENTLE READER: The best thing about singing is that it is not meant to be interrupted. You might pretend your friend said something you could not hear, and ask her to repeat it. Miss Manners trusts that the annoyance of having to stop to clear up your confusion will dampen her enthusiasm for another verse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)