Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a part of a small, close-knit group of girlfriends. We were previously co-workers, but remained very close after we all went on to different jobs. We talk constantly, confide in one another and try to schedule a girls' night at least once a month among our busy schedules. I look forward to seeing these girls every time, and we always end up having a great night out.

But when it comes time for us to select which restaurant we'd like to go to, one of the girls always turns down many recommendations because she "didn't like it there," "wasn't impressed" or "doesn't like that type of food."

Now, my other friends and I are always more than accommodating if someone mentions they are uninterested in eating at a certain place. However, this particular person always ends up ordering the exact same thing at every restaurant we go to, whether it's somewhere she adores or dislikes. (It is a dish served at every restaurant due to the fact it's usually found on the children's menu.)

Are we enabling her by working around her pickier wishes, despite the fact that she doesn't order anything other than one item? The rest of us are a bit more adventurous and would love to try new foods, but we do not want to all go and exclude the one friend. How should we handle this?

GENTLE READER: It is gracious of you not to point out that Darlene always gets the chicken fingers no matter what. Perhaps as a compromise, you can make a schedule where each of you gets to pick the restaurant when it is your turn. That way, Miss Manners suggests, Darlene will have to tolerate the others' more adventurous picks -- but the rest of you will then have to eagerly agree when she enthusiastically suggests "Cluck Cluck's" or "The Golden Rooster."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some friends and I met for a birthday luncheon. The honoree chose the white-tablecloth restaurant that he knew all of us enjoyed.

About halfway through our meal, three men were seated at the table next to ours. One of the men regaled everyone within three tables around us with how wonderful, interesting and hilarious his life is. He definitely was never taught about using an inside voice. Mr. Look-at-Me was getting glares and eye rolls from several tables, but he either didn't notice or didn't care.

What, if anything, could we have done in that situation? Nobody wanted to cause a scene, but he basically changed the tone of our lunch, and apparently that of others seated nearby.

GENTLE READER: "I am not sure that you're aware, but your voice is carrying and we are able to hear all of your personal stories. I'm sure that you want to keep those things private."

And then Miss Manners suggests adding a knowing and conspiratorial look -- that will no doubt send him spiraling, wondering what salacious thing he inadvertently shouted.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single gay man who has been invited to a number of weddings of the children of close friends. While these are friends of long standing, we live in different parts of the country, so I don't know the children well at all.

The wedding rituals, particularly those at many parties after the ceremony, are not things I generally feel comfortable with or enjoy. Is there a way to politely decline without offending my friends?

GENTLE READER: "No, thank you."

Miss Manners shares your distaste for wedding rituals that involve lifting (garments, not chairs), stuffing or donating. A wedding is a dignified affair and its guests should not be coerced into any practices that are unseemly. No explanation -- or need to listen to lengthy justifications of why this particular ritual is considered traditional -- necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend with whom I interact very frequently. He will tell me to meet him at his apartment at a certain time. If I arrive on time, he almost always seems put out, asking why I have arrived so early and complaining that he feels rushed.

When I ask whether I misunderstood or misremembered the appointed time, he checks the clock and acknowledges that he lost track of time and didn't realize it was already that time.

Tiring of his crankiness, I have made a habit of arriving several minutes late. This generally seems to have solved the problem. However, very occasionally, he will notice that I have arrived a few minutes late and ask, in a way that seems to accuse me of wasting his time, why I'm late.

I tried being honest once, saying that it seemed more polite to give him a few extra minutes to prepare. That was a mistake, as he didn't like the implication that he wasn't usually on time (even though he is not!).

Now, I just apologize and promise to mend my ways even though I have no intention of doing so, as being on time is far and away more likely to cause problems than being slightly late.

I have been wondering whether this is the best approach, though. Does Miss Manners have a better solution, short of breaking off the friendship? While my friend is cranky about time, he has many other redeeming features and we have many mutual interests.

GENTLE READER: You seem to be spending loads of unnecessary energy getting around the problem -- by guessing your friend's changing mood and daily schedule -- rather than addressing it head-on.

"When we make plans, please let me know when would be the ideal time to meet. I tend to go by the clock, but am happy to employ another system. I just need to know what it is."

Miss Manners recognizes that this might make your friend take offense. But given your history, that seems inevitable. At least this time you will be expecting it. Which is more than he can say about your arrivals.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, I planned a dinner with seven friends from junior and senior high school (we are all in our 50s now). At the dinner, we decided to make it a monthly thing, with me in charge of planning everything. Most members of the group have attended at least three of the seven get-togethers; however, there are two who only came to the first one. Last month at dinner, we decided to stop inviting those two, so I removed them from our social media group.

Well, needless to say, they are not happy. I know I probably should have let them know that they were being removed before I actually did it, but it's too late for that now. Our first dinner without those two is coming up soon, and I know I will catch some grief once they see the pictures online.

Do you think I was wrong to stop including them? (I'm saying "I" because I will be the one to take the heat from this.)

GENTLE READER: This is so easy to fix that Miss Manners suspects facts not in evidence: All you have to say is, "Completely my fault. I thought because you were not coming, you weren't interested. Of course I'll add you back to the group right this minute."

Did we forget to mention the part of the group discussion that went, "Since none of us can stand either of them, how about we use the excuse that they have not attended to get rid of them?"

Even if this is the case, it is not too late to use the above apology and count on their continued, voluntary non-attendance. It may be less satisfying than telling them that you still have not forgiven them for that incident at the junior high dance, but it will be more polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother died, her funeral was very well-attended. My siblings and I formed a receiving line at the reception so that we could thank every guest for attending.

Many guests wanted to talk at length, which of course held up the people behind them. One guest wanted me to look through old yearbooks with them to find pictures of my mother.

I tried to redirect the lingerers by saying, "Oh, I want to hear all of this in detail. Can I find you when the receiving line is finished?"

My approach was not effective and in some cases, I ended up simply interrupting and thanking the person for attending and then turning to the next person in line.

It felt terribly rude and I still feel bad about it, even though I did follow up with each person later. Is there a better way that I could have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: Such problems occur in every receiving line. The solution is to have in mind other attendees who can be deputized when needed. You could alert one of the (probably) many people who had asked what they could do to help.

In your example of the friend with the yearbooks, take her gently by the hand and walk her over to the cousin who knows how this friend can be, briefly explain that she has some pictures to show, and return to the receiving line. Miss Manners assures you that the right deputy, properly briefed to keep the line moving, will know what to do.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)