DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently moved after many years at the same residence, and my friends who were helping -- and even the paid mover -- kept saying things like, "You already have one umbrella; why do you need more?"

I moved quickly to get out of a terrible relationship, and had to deal with comments and ridicule about the items I decided to keep. (I had hired the mover because of my extensive container garden -- a quick but poor decision. He had received five-star ratings from other customers, but how, God only knows.)

I love the friends who helped, but seriously: Keep your mouth shut if you do not have something nice to say.

GENTLE READER: Surely there is a difference between movers you have hired and friends who have offered to help move your household. Professionals should not be critiquing your belongings -- only moving them, or advising you on how to do so -- and you may quietly ask them to get on with the job.

But when you set generous friends loose among your private things, they are not going to be entirely impersonal. You don't have to defend your choices, but neither should you tell them to mind their own business. If they did, they wouldn't be there.

So if they observe that you are taxed with having too many umbrellas, you can just smile and say, "I'm expecting rain."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A small group of friends got together for lunch at a local ethnic restaurant. The meal was complete, and I was going to require a doggie bag.

Before I was given the opportunity to advise our waiter, another member of the group flagged down a different member of the waitstaff and proceeded to instruct him on how to take care of my leftovers, right down to what kind of container should be used.

This conversation was conducted in a language that I do not speak. All of the staff speak English quite well.

I was reprimanded by my partner for making it clear that I did not appreciate the intrusion. Was I out of line?

GENTLE READER: Whew. At first Miss Manners was worried that your dining companion had pinched your leftovers.

As it is, she doesn't quite see why you are upset. You seem to have decided that your friend was motivated by a bossy desire to run your life, which Miss Manners would, of course, condemn.

But she has a different suspicion: Your friend is proud of being able to speak a foreign language, and rarely gets a chance to try it on native speakers. Can't you find it in your heart to consider this endearing?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just read that it is bad manners to lift one's menu totally off the table.

I am in a quandary: I suffer from nearsightedness, so at times, I need to hold my menu a bit farther from my eyes than the tabletop allows.

GENTLE READER: Surely this bizarre directive was intended for children who think it funny to fold their menus over their heads like hats. While wondering who came up with this unauthorized instruction, Miss Manners can assure you that it does not apply to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a correct way for a customer to act at the checkout counter?

I usually stay silent, except to answer and return pleasantries if the cashier offers them. I occasionally glance at the total and assist in bagging if the cashier is alone. I have had similarly quiet cashiers; often, the only exchange during the whole process is "Have a nice day" and "Thanks, you too."

I work in retail myself, and I despise the empty cheeriness and how draining it can be during a long shift. So I figure that giving the cashier a quiet respite is not unwelcome.

I also glance around rather than watch their work, because no one wants to feel like they're being observed or judged. Additionally, I am an introvert and quite shy, so quiet checkouts benefit me, as well. Is this impolite?

GENTLE READER: Brief chattiness between customer and clerk can be charming or intrusive, depending on the people and what is said. Many regular customers enjoy being recognized with a few friendly words where they shop.

Unfortunately, some businesses have discovered this, and mandated forced conversation. It is obvious when this is scripted or required of strangers. Current cliches such as "What are you planning for the rest of the day?" are nosy and annoying.

So Miss Manners agrees that your confining yourself to minimally polite remarks may be as much of a relief to the cashier as it is to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever OK to use poor etiquette intentionally?

When my sister married someone who already had a child, I went out of my way to include the child at holidays and remember her birthday. I sent her many gifts, but never once got a thank-you or even an acknowledgment that she had received them.

Now that she's an adult, I have sent her wedding shower gifts (I live very far away and didn't attend the event), and still never received a thank-you. I have now received an invitation to her wedding, even though I had told my sister not to invite me as I knew I could not attend. Space is limited, so I suspected the bride would rather invite someone she actually knows, anyway.

Out of obligation, I went to the website for the wedding registry, and there was not a single gift that cost less than $350. I decided that I was not spending that much money on a person who hasn't ever bothered to acknowledge or thank me for any gift I have ever given her. In fact, I decided I was not sending a gift at all.

I know it is impolite, but I don't care anymore. Is this behavior of mine justifiable?

GENTLE READER: While she will never countenance poor etiquette (also known as rudeness), Miss Manners can relieve you of buying yet another present for your niece, who is evidently not grateful to receive them.

You will be astonished to hear that, contrary to almost universal belief, a wedding invitation is not a bill. Presents are voluntary, although it is thought that if you care enough about the couple to attend the wedding, you will want to send them a remembrance.

Understandably, you do not. So don't.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here is an issue for our times: I was in a coffee bar recently, and a person sitting a few feet away from me was listening to some sort of recorded content on his mobile phone without the benefit of headphones. It was annoying, particularly on top of the shop's programmed music and other face-to-face conversations taking place.

After a while, I asked, in a very polite and civil manner, "Sir, do you happen to have earbuds or headphones that you could use?" He bristled slightly and said that he didn't realize the sound was annoying, then simply shut the device off, for which I thanked him.

Is what I did within the bounds of reasonable and polite behavior? While I would never question someone's right to engage in a face-to-face conversation or telephone call in this situation, my feeling is that playing anything loud enough for someone else to hear amounts to forcing your choice on others, and is therefore inconsiderate. I would appreciate your thoughts on the issue.

GENTLE READER: Certainly this is rude. Bristle as this young man might, you did nothing wrong by politely and reasonably asking him to use headphones in a public place. In fact, Miss Manners assures you, you likely saved him from a ruder patron's much more indignant objections.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My closest friend has been helping a healthy 92-year-old man clear possessions from his house over the course of a year, beginning after the great loss of his wife. He has given my friend a number of personal items.

Over this time, my friend has mentioned me as a very dear friend, and the man he is helping is inclined to share a piece of jewelry with me. It is a vintage designer piece -- a choker, I believe. I am happy to receive it as a loving response to his loss.

I will likely see photos of the jewelry before actually receiving it -- or even meeting him. Should I acknowledge and thank him before receiving the piece of jewelry? And I would imagine I should formally thank him again after receiving and wearing it.

I believe there is no protocol for the preemptive acknowledgment of a gift. It will be at least three months before I receive it, after he has placed it in my friend's hands to deliver to me. I am a most sincere and constant writer of formal thank-you notes, so you might understand my dilemma.

GENTLE READER: No one ever complained about too many thank-you letters. Well, only if they were bemoaning their own deficiencies in writing them, of course. And fortunately, you do not complain about that.

Miss Manners therefore thinks it would be charming for you to write a letter to your friend's friend, introducing yourself and telling him how honored you are to be the recipient of a piece of his departed wife's jewelry. Then, when you finally receive the gift, you could write another (shorter) letter, acknowledging receipt and saying that it is even more beautiful in person.

There is no reason not to give this kind gentleman some good reading material in exchange for his generosity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)