Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was always under the belief that your first baby shower should also be your only one. But I have now been invited to a third baby shower for my niece, whose oldest child is still very young.

I could understand if there was some space between the kids, since new equipment would be needed, or if this third baby was a different gender. But they are all boys, and her oldest is just 2. This feels like a gift grab.

What do you think? Should I buy another gift and go to the shower? Or is it OK to send my regards, knowing I will still show up with a gift when the baby is born?

GENTLE READER: Showers are gift grabs. That is their sole purpose. But Miss Manners agrees that second and third ones are excessive.

Unfortunately, if you do go, a present is expected. If you do not want to be pressured into shopping from a registry, witnessing endless present-opening and playing unseemly party games, then showing up with a gift after the baby arrives is fine.

Either way, it seems, these parents will get their loot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoy the company of another couple we've known for years. I've had them over for dinner many times.

I eat only plant-based (vegan) foods; however, I make both vegan and meat-based dishes for everyone else. I don't ask them to bring anything, as they are our guests.

A few years ago, we invited them to meet us for dinner at a restaurant, which we planned to pay for. A day before the planned dinner, they called and wanted to invite us to their house rather than eating out. I asked if I could bring anything, and their answer was no.

When dinner at their house was served, it was stew with multiple kinds of meat and no vegetables. Even the salad had bacon in it. The wife said, "I don't think you eat meat, but I hope you can eat this."

Miss Manners, they have known for years that I don't eat animal products. I picked through the meal as best I could without complaint. Since the pandemic, we haven't gotten together with them.

What are your thoughts on hosts who don't provide any meatless dishes for a longtime friend? As a vegan, I have always made dishes with meat for my guests.

GENTLE READER: That your friends are either thoughtless, inconsiderate or perhaps just forgetful. The latter seems unlikely after all these years, but if you can believe that that is all it is, the friendship might be saved -- if you think it worthwhile.

Miss Manners suggests that next time, you could politely say in advance, "Oh, I can't remember if I told you, but I'm afraid I don't eat meat of any kind. I am happy to bring something, however, if it's hard to separate it for your other guests." And if she once again serves you bacon salad, you will know that the ruse is up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a best friend of 27 years, and I'm getting very annoyed with her. Every time I invite her to dinner or to an event, she expects me to pay for everything. She has gone as far as asking me for a loan, for groceries, etc.

Being the nice person I am, I will loan her the money and buy her groceries, if I am able. The problem is that she will not repay me. When I confront her, she gets very angry and tells me she is in no position financially to pay me back.

She has a really good job and makes really good money. I am a single mother with only my income, which is not a lot. There was one time that I asked her for gas money, and she went ballistic. She said she doesn't help anybody financially, then stopped talking to me.

She moved in with her sister, only pays $300 in rent and is financially supporting her 27-year-old son -- she pays his rent, car payment, insurance, food, etc.

I have stopped helping her altogether and will not give in anymore. I don't want to lose 27 years of friendship, but I don't want to be her friend if all she's going to do is ask for money. Please help!

GENTLE READER: If friendship were defined by longevity (rather than, say, warmth, kindness or shared interests), we would all have more friends -- without being any better off.

Miss Manners mentions this because none of the acts you describe suggest this is a person with whom you should wish to maintain a relationship for 27 days, much less 27 years.

If she is mistaken, and this person has other endearing qualities, then the repeated requests for money should be refused firmly, directly and without rancor: "I'm sorry. I cannot lend you money for your groceries."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter deemed my response to an incessantly chattering office cleaner rude.

"D." is a younger person who cleans our office. They routinely eat lunch at the same time I do. I have listened to this individual chatter nonstop for half an hour, detailing to three different people the salad they ate last week, or the woes they have with a reprehensible roommate. I've seen this person continue blathering even after a victim walked away from the nonstop, inane chit-chat.

The other day, D. asked me how I was, and I responded, "Fine, thanks." I didn't reciprocate the question, because I needed to get back to work. My daughter believes I should have asked how D. was, then extracted myself with an apology and a "I need to get back to work."

Which one of us has the more mannered response?

GENTLE READER: Let's call them Polite Response B and Polite Response A. Although Miss Manners finds no fault starting with B, it becomes even more blameless when A has already been tried by you -- and abused by D.'s nattering on about C, E, F and G.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a recently married young woman who suffers from an inflammatory bowel disease. Because of my disease, I take medication prescribed by my doctor, and I do my best to eat a healthy diet. Lately, I have started following a vegetarian diet.

My mother-in-law brings up my disease in conversation whenever we see each other, and tries to convince me that I should be consuming a ketogenic diet because, in her view, vegetarian diets are inherently unhealthy. She also tries to convince me to replace my medications with lemon and ginger.

I find this line of discussion quite unpleasant -- partially because I find her insistence that she knows better than my doctor and me disrespectful, but also because I do not think it is appropriate to try to meddle with the treatment plan of a person with a chronic illness.

Can I, gracefully but firmly, ask my mother-in-law to keep her opinions on my health status to herself? Or will I have to simply smile and nod my way through these conversations with her?

GENTLE READER: If you thought you could, without unpleasant consequences, ask your mother-in-law to keep her opinions to herself, Miss Manners suspects you would already have done so.

But do not underestimate the power of smiling and nodding. If your mother-in-law realizes you are not going to fight back -- and are also not going to change your habits -- she will tire of giving advice. That way, you will not have to answer for having insulted her for what she will protest was only a motherly concern for your well-being.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an academic promotion for which I had requested letters of support from faculty both internal and external to my institution. All faculty replied affirmatively, and I would like to thank them.

However, the nature of the process is such that the letters are kept confidential from the candidate; I do not even know if all of the requests were honored (and would not want to imply that I had any improper knowledge).

I'd like to write to each of the faculty, along the lines of, "I'm honored to report my promotion to professor, and wanted to express my sincere appreciation for your willingness to support my application."

Does Miss Manners have any suggestions for a more elegant or appropriate approach?

GENTLE READER: While she finds no fault with the text of your letter, Miss Manners does offer some advice. Had you sent thank-you letters immediately following acceptance of your request for support, they would have served the double purpose of reminding anyone who had not yet sent the recommendation to do so.

You might then have been able to write a second letter with the happy news of your promotion -- more work but, as you are in a field that involves both networking and writing, not a burdensome one. It would also have reinforced the fact that you would have been grateful for their support even had you not received the promotion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)