DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have taken note of repeat inquiries about how to deal with not being invited to a wedding -- presumably, though not always in so many words, without being a jerk in return.
Advertisement
I would like to point out that weddings have gotten exceedingly expensive and that couples simply cannot afford to invite everyone to the reception. In many cases, it is still the bride’s family who pays, and they may have to take on extensive debt to do so.
Why do we expect them to explain their circumstances or choices to us? Why should anyone take personal offense or press for a reason they were not included, much less devalue the relationship? Why not just let it go?
GENTLE READER: By all means, that grudge should be let go. There are many reasons that people do not throw weddings large enough to invite everyone they know.
But Miss Manners does not care for the reason that you cite. It means that the wedding arrangements are considered more important than the guest list.
The customary basics of a wedding -- the ceremony, a cake and something with which to toast the couple -- are not expensive. But a huge industry has convinced people that they also need exotic locations, elaborate meals, live bands and disc jockeys, along with such silly extras as wedding favors for the guests, as if at a child’s birthday party.
Fine, if that is what they want. It is when they want that more than the presence of people they care about -- or whom they know care about them enough to want to attend -- that Miss Manners finds their values disturbing.
That said, people should accept the fact that not everyone is invited to everything. But it would help if hosts did not flaunt pictures of the invited crowds in full view of those who were not. (And yes, Miss Manners knows that they will consider their online postings to be an essential part of weddings.)