Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a physician, so I am used to people addressing me as "Dr. Jones." That includes both patients and non-physician staff in the hospital where I work. Even out in public, if I run into someone from the hospital, it is common for them to address me as "Dr. Jones."

However, when I go to a medical office as a patient, whether it is my primary care physician, the dentist, the optometrist or another specialist, they invariably address me by my first name. It is my impression that I am nonetheless expected to address them as “Dr. Smith,” whether in person or in subsequent correspondence.

What is the etiquette for a patient who is a physician addressing the doctor providing care? Is it acceptable for me to use their first name, or should I always address them as “Dr. Smith”?

GENTLE READER: Did you just now notice this inequity? Or have you always addressed your patients with titles and surnames, since you expect them to use yours?

Because that is the rule. Respect should be reciprocal.

It rarely is, in these situations. Doctors tell Miss Manners that they should be so addressed because they earned the right to that title, and that they use patients’ first names to be friendly and put them at ease.

But patients are also entitled to honorifics, just by virtue of being adult human beings. Furthermore, they do not consult doctors because they are looking to make friends.

So these are formal situations, in which patients are in need of dignity and professional distance. As Miss Manners has pointed out, when people are friends, they either both have their clothes on or neither of them do.

You could use the ploy of responding in kind, using your physician's given name. Or, slightly more tactfully, you could ask, “Shall we call each other 'doctor,' or do you prefer to use first names?”

But this would only establish that you, too, are on that august level they assume. You could make both points by pleasantly saying, “I don’t call my patients by their first names -- it seems fairer and more dignified to call them 'Mr.' or 'Ms.' Or 'Doctor,' as the case may be.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a “best” or “correct” way to seat couples at a dinner party using place cards? My husband and I enjoy speaking with other people, and we split couples up when we host. However, our friends seat couples together.

Should one ask couples in advance whether they’d prefer to be seated together or separately? It seems a shame not to ask, since we would have liked to have been asked, but it puts guests on the spot for an answer.

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to be seated together? Or, asked another way, if you and your spouse want to have dinner together, why are you accepting an invitation to a dinner party?

It is the duty of guests to socialize with the hosts and other guests. The rule is to separate couples so that they can do so. They should not be asked, because no one wants to declare a preference for being apart. If there is a compelling reason (“My wife broke her arm and can’t manage the fork”), the guest should declare it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On my daughter’s wedding day, the weather was perfect, as was the venue and all preparations. A few hours before the ceremony, the groom was arrested on an active warrant. (That’s an issue for another day.)

We were already at the venue. The bridal party was getting dressed and photos were being taken while the bride was on the phone with an attorney, attempting to have the groom released. Guests were already arriving since it was more than an hour's drive for all of them.

Since we were hopeful that the groom would be released, and since the guests were already there and we couldn’t cancel, we decided to proceed with the cocktail hour and reception, hoping to hold the ceremony once the groom arrived.

The groom was not released. The wedding ceremony never took place.

I told my daughter to return all monetary gifts. She feels they should be kept since the couple “will be getting married eventually.”

I am torn. Yes, we did have a wonderful party, although we were not in a very celebratory mood. But I feel that they are keeping the gifts under false pretenses.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you certainly did entertain your guests. They’re still talking about it.

But of course, you are right that your daughter cannot keep the wedding gifts on the grounds that the guests got their money’s worth. The rule is that presents are returned if the wedding does not take place.

But in sympathy with the would-be bride, Miss Manners (who is weak from politely suppressing a scream of “WHAT DID HE DO?”) is happy to have a way around this.

As your daughter does intend to marry him when possible, she can write charming notes to the guests, apologizing for the mix-up and stating that she looks forward to seeing them when she is able to set a date for the postponed wedding.

However, she must promise that she will invite all the same people to the postponed wedding, and that if she decides to postpone indefinitely, she will return all wedding presents, monetary and otherwise. They should not be spent on bail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was leaving my local grocery store, a young man approached me and asked me to donate to a local high school baseball team. I apologized and told him that I do not carry cash.

I have specific causes that I donate to annually, but I am constantly being stopped at the door or asked to round up at the register. What is a polite way to say no to a donation request?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to apologize or explain. Miss Manners presumes you don’t want the young man to show up at your house, where you keep your cash.

We assume that sensible people contribute to causes they know and care about, rather than simply to anyone who happens to ask. Therefore, you need only say pleasantly, “Thank you, but no.” And to be extra nice, you can add, “I wish you good luck with it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a vegetarian for 15 years. It never fails that once a fellow diner finds out this information, they immediately take it upon themselves to read aloud everything on the menu that I am “allowed” to have.

It’s as if being a vegetarian means I can no longer read. I often don’t divulge my eating preferences because of this.

And it never ends! I can eat with friends I’ve known for decades, and as soon as the menus are placed on the table, I am bombarded with “Oh, look, Giselle, you can have (XYZ).”

Believe me when I say it happens every single time. I want it to stop. What can I say that isn’t rude? (By the way, my husband always says they are just being nice. I say they are being annoying!)

GENTLE READER: “Thank you, yes, I saw that.” And they are being annoying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just over a year ago, myself, a friend and that friend’s cousin "Grace" were asked to be bridesmaids in the wedding of another friend, "Tara." Tara did not have a lot of female friends, so Grace was asked, despite being just an acquaintance. She agreed.

Fast-forward several months and Grace was sending out invites to her own wedding. She had a limited budget and space for her ceremony and reception, so she did not invite Tara.

Tara was upset and thought that she should have been invited in reciprocation, even though she had not made an attempt to build or maintain a relationship with Grace since her own wedding.

While I did not get myself involved in the matter, it got me thinking about what would be proper. Should Grace have invited Tara to her wedding because she was in Tara’s?

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between forging a friendship and casting roles in a wedding. But Miss Manners is beginning to see why it was necessary for Tara to engage in the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While staying at a lovely hotel, each morning before leaving my room, I would place $10 on the writing table for the maid.

When I returned to my room the second day, I noticed that the money was still there. The room looked very nice, so clearly the maid had done her work. I sorted it out with the front desk and the money was left for her in an envelope.

I understand that the same person may not be cleaning each day, so where should I leave the tip to be sure each person collects it?

I’ve always left tip money on the writing desk. My husband suggested that it be left on the bed pillow.

GENTLE READER: This is not so much a question of good manners as good visibility. Miss Manners suggests you place the money wherever you think it will be most easily seen. Or in whatever spot needs the most cleaning.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)