Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an accent nerd, especially about accents from Great Britain and its current and former colonies. I like to guess where people are from once I’ve heard them speak (not necessarily to me).

In order to find out if my guess is correct, I have to start up a conversation with them. I usually start off by asking them if I am correct -- but not quite so bluntly. And then that usually leads to further conversation.

Is it rude to start a conversation with a stranger by asking which country they are from? I genuinely want to know their background, not just to find out if my guess was correct.

GENTLE READER: Here is an important general rule to apply to many such little ploys, including your own:

Never make guesses about people. Never, ever.

Do not guess where they are from, do not guess whether they are pregnant, do not guess how old they are -- just do not guess. And do not take this as permission to ask outright, instead. In any case, you should not be eavesdropping.

It may be true that if you guess right, you could start a conversation. But even a correct guess could imply that the person doesn’t really belong here.

There are less intrusive ways to get to know people, but you have led Miss Manners to believe that friendship, or even acquaintanceship, is not your objective; rather, it is playing your little guessing game. Please stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are often invited to fundraisers by a couple in our circle of friends. They purchase a table or a package of tickets, which pays for our admission. Still, as these are fundraisers, the expectation lurks that we contribute monetarily.

I have begged off attending functions for organizations my conscience cannot support, but what about events for noncontroversial groups? In those cases, I simply would prefer not to pay money to socialize with friends I see all the time anyway.

This couple also attends dinners in all of our homes but never reciprocates, other than to invite us to these fundraisers. I don’t think these are truly "hosted" events, since a contribution is expected.

My husband doesn’t like it when I beg off by saying we have plans, as he thinks that’s lying. I consider it a harmless white lie, and I don’t know any other way to get out of the situation without hurt feelings.

An evening of mediocre food and drink and raise-the-paddle is not what we consider fun. Is there a more polite way to get ourselves off the invite list?

GENTLE READER: At last, we get to the real problem. It’s not so much about contributing to the charity or having a conflicting engagement; it’s that these events bore you.

So: Should you have to go, for the sake of the others involved?

If your husband honestly enjoys them, the answer is: probably. Well, occasionally. Miss Manners suspects that he is no more enthralled than you, but is concerned about your friends, who presumably do enjoy these things. Furthermore, it is their way of reciprocating your invitations.

She suggests saying how kind they are to include you at such events, but that you would prefer to see them on much less formal occasions, when you will have more of a chance to enjoy their company.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 30s and childless, not by choice. I prefer to have a small circle of friends, but I have found it difficult to find other childless friends; statistically, most people my age have children -- especially in church settings, where I spend a lot of my time.

It often leaves me feeling like I don’t fit in, as I cannot relate to the conversations revolving around pregnancy and childrearing.

One close friend, who is aware of how I feel, and with whom I converse nearly every day, often shares stories with me that I cannot relate to. I often find it hard to cope with this, as they bring up a lot of grief and feelings of being the odd one out. She just shared her excitement over a conversation she had with two other friends (whom I do not know) about the similarities in how they raised their now-adult children and some of the relational results of their various parenting choices.

I don’t want to squash my friend’s excitement, nor do I want to discourage her from sharing the things that are important to her; however, I find her lack of tact related to subject choice to be unintentionally hurtful.

How do I politely tell her that I care about what is important to her, but that I feel hurt and unseen when she talks about how she relates to other mothers, or goes into detail about how she parented? I don’t want to discount her very important work of being a mother, but I also don’t want to suffer in silence.

GENTLE READER: Certainly, it is inconsiderate to talk incessantly about something your conversational partner is sensitive toward or has not experienced. But it is also difficult to confine oneself only to subject matter that is shared.

So while Miss Manners has sympathy for your situation, she also warns you not to fall into the habit of only seeking out likeminded companionship.

She also notices that the example you use of your friend’s insensitivity is not as damning as you seem to think. Your friend was not speaking about current parenting experiences, but of the results of past parenting. Surely, as a child of parents yourself, you can relate.

But if you still need to emphasize the difference, you could always preface it by saying, “Well, I can’t speak to it from the parenting end, but as a child of the authoritative parenting method, I can tell you that ...”

In any case, it would be a shame if you cut yourself off from others’ human experiences because you have been deprived of some of your own. Rather than suffer in silence, see if you can find deeper connections. You may be surprised by the rewards.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whether at home, in a restaurant, or someone else’s home, how does one handle food that has slipped off one’s plate onto the table?

GENTLE READER: With a quick flick off of the table and onto the side of your plate, where it should remain until the plate is cleared.

But if no one saw and you deem the table clean enough, Miss Manners will not chide you for discreetly pushing it back with the rest of the food and eating it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I entertain frequently. We get a lot of joy out of hosting longtime friends and family for holidays and special occasions. We are attentive to the vibe and move things along at a pace that matches it. Everyone always tells us we host lovely evenings and that they can’t wait for the next one.

The problem is with one of our longtime friends, who always tries to dictate when we will do what during the evening. A recent example: We were hosting a dinner party and everyone was saying they were so full after the three-course dinner that they couldn’t even think of dessert yet. So we decided to delay it by about 30 minutes and play a card game so everyone had a chance to digest a little bit before dessert.

Around the 20-minute mark, I excused myself for a moment to put the coffee on and returned to the game. After the next hand (less than three minutes later), this guest announced to everyone that this would be the last hand and it was time for dessert.

I interjected that I had just set the coffee to brew and we would wait until it was done. We played another few hands and then it was time.

This was not the first time this particular guest has announced, at a party they were not hosting, that it was time for something. I find it a bit insulting, if I’m honest, and would like a way to tactfully speak with my friend about this behavior.

They are a treasured friend, and I don’t wish to exclude them from future gatherings. But I also do not want them to continue taking part of the hosting duties from the hosts, which leaves other guests confused and me a bit sore.

GENTLE READER: There is a longstanding theater etiquette rule that states: There is only one director. Writers, producers and actors with feedback must filter their notes through said director so as not to confuse the performers onstage.

Miss Manners suggests you apply this rule to your dinner parties. Tell your friend that you appreciate the input, but if they would take you aside to give it, that would be less confusing for the other guests. And -- you may omit saying -- stay out of the kitchen, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ate at a fine dining restaurant on a cruise ship and ordered a rack of lamb. I cut as much meat as I could off of the bone, but there was still a tasty morsel or two on the bone.

May I discreetly take that bite from the bone, or is that too rude? I do mean discreetly, not gnawing at it like an animal.

GENTLE READER: If you can guarantee Miss Manners that you can do it quickly and without getting caught, fine. But she thinks that unlikely without the aforementioned animal gnawing.

So the official answer is no, with apologies to those tasty morsels.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)