DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is it that people see it as mandatory to send a thank-you for a gift? It seems like people give gifts with the sole purpose of being appreciated. This seems contrary to the whole idea of giving a gift.

To explain further, let me tell you how I give gifts. I have a large family that is pretty far-flung. Some years I’m in touch with certain members; other years I’m in touch with others. When the holidays come around and I am shopping for gifts, I look for things that remind me of them and of conversations we've had.

Gifts, to me, are not a chore and not an obligation. If I get a thank-you card, it is nice, but I do not see any obligation on their part to send me one. I got my reward already.

Why are thank-you cards so brutal and draconian?

GENTLE READER: What’s that? People are sending brutal, draconian thank-you cards?

Well, that would be wicked. But Miss Manners guesses that you mean that you consider the requirement to send them to be brutal and draconian.

Usually, that is the claim of people who are on the receiving end of presents. It is unusual for a generous giver, as you seem to be, to make that argument. But you have in common with them the idea that the act of giving should be a sufficient reward.

Don’t you want to know that your present was a success? Or even just that it was actually received? Would it not be rewarding to hear that the recipients of your thoughtfulness were pleased?

It’s called feedback.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother told me, long ago, why table knives are placed with the cutting edge towards the plate, but I have forgotten. Would you be so kind as to remind me, as my mother is no longer available?

GENTLE READER: It was to avoid the knives being used to attack fellow diners -- or at least to lessen that possibility. Really.

In cruder times, if you can imagine such a thing, people brought their hunting knives to the table, with which to tear into the animals they'd hunted (now cooked).

But as they were no more immune than we to strongly held differences of opinion, diners were sometimes known to express their contempt for the beliefs of others.

But blood on the table can ruin a dinner party. So it was decreed that the cutting edges of knives should be turned towards their owners, thus symbolizing their peaceful intent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, in all my etiquette books, there is no reference on the time interval between receiving a wedding/baby shower gift and sending a thank-you note. Is there a too soon/too late window?

GENTLE READER: That is because there is not supposed to be an interval. Too early is before the present is received, and too late is any interval afterward -- although not while the donor is still standing there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It’s frigid cold here these days, but that didn’t stop a huge turnout for a very popular food truck. The lines were pretty long, both to order and to pick up, but people passed the 15-20 minutes chatting with each other and joking about the cold.

An elderly man (late 70s, maybe?) pulled up in his car with (I assume) his wife in the passenger seat. The gentleman got out and stood in line, using a cane, while his wife waited in the car. He had on a jacket and wore gloves, but a strong wind was blowing.

I was in the food-pickup line, and noticed that he looked uncomfortable. Ahead of him in line was a woman wearing a very cozy-looking fur coat. I approached her and whispered that the gentleman behind her looked like he was struggling, and that it would be nice if she offered to hold his place in line. That way, he could return to the car until it was his turn to order.

She looked blankly at me and said, “What man?” I indicated the gentleman behind her. She glanced back and said “Oh,” nothing more.

Embarrassed, I mumbled, “It was just a thought, to help the old guy out” and slinked back to my place in the pickup line. She never made a move to assist the man, but my order came out quickly and I hurried away.

Miss Manners, was I out of line to make that suggestion? Had I been in the order line, I would certainly have made the offer. But the look of disdain on the face of that woman was colder than the blasting winter wind. Did I do the wrong thing?

GENTLE READER: It is awkward to suggest that someone else engage in an act of kindness on one’s behalf. While your intentions were good, this woman was not likely to have been paying attention to your position at pickup, and was probably wondering why you did not offer to stand in line for this man yourself.

Miss Manners suggests that if the situation comes up again, you alert the food truck workers and enlist their help. Or ask the wife in the car to keep your food warm while you go help her husband.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a dinner at my CEO’s home, along with members of the board. Is it still appropriate to arrive with flowers or wine for the host? I don’t know if the CEO drinks wine.

Would I be seen as “brown-nosing” if no one else brings anything? I am 57 and kinda old-school.

GENTLE READER: Flowers are the most gracious option. Miss Manners assures you that they will be taken as they were intended: as a thank-you for hosting a dinner party, not a bribe for future promotions.

Old-school or not, you will have to show up with a lot more than flowers if you want to brown-nose your way into a better job.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents invited my family over for New Year’s Day to celebrate. As I like to cook, I prepared two entrees to be reheated when we got there. I put in time and effort to prepare a meal they would enjoy. My parents were going to make some pasta and also picked up bread.

Upon our arrival at their house, my mother took out some leftovers to heat up. The leftovers were from a restaurant where they'd eaten the night before, on New Year’s Eve. Not only that, she offered her leftovers for everyone to sample.

I was slightly offended, as I had just prepared all of this food for them. My mother’s argument was that her leftovers would not hold till the next day. My mother still does not think she was wrong in this; I feel that it was rude.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps this is how she defines “family style”?

Yes, this was inconsiderate, but if it was a dinner for just the family, formal rules are a bit more relaxed. At least she offered samples. And if that was all the rest of the group was getting of her dinner, they still had room for yours.

Rather than harbor anger, Miss Manners suggests that you might take this as gentle teasing. The next time you invite your mother over, tell her, "I will be making duck a l’orange -- unless, of course, you want to bring over any leftover fries you have lying around."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave Christmas dinner to two separate neighbors on Christmas Day. It's been a week, and they have not returned the plates. I’m very annoyed at their lack of concern. Do I have a right to be upset?

GENTLE READER: Did you ask for them back? Of course your neighbors should have thought to return them on their own, but if ye do not ask, ye may not receive.

Miss Manners suggests that instead of silently seething, you send them a note asking when would be a convenient time for you to pick up your plates. This is neither impolite nor terribly difficult. You do, after all, know where they live.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like some advice on who should handle an anniversary gift return.

My husband and I received a gift that had been ordered online by our relatives (who live blocks from us). Unfortunately, the item was damaged and needed to be returned. We repackaged the item into the box and planned on giving it back to the family so they could print the return label and drop off the package at a post office or shipping store. But instead, they asked us to do it.

When asked why, they said they “didn’t know how to return an item.” We took care of it, but shouldn't it have been their responsibility?

GENTLE READER: Was it gracious of them? No. But you were already out and about.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)