Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm new at my job, and I'm trying to get to know my colleagues. I've noticed that the director of my program doesn't greet me. So I asked around and learned from other new staff that he's the same way with them. He does speak to the veteran employees.

Because he doesn't greet us, it's hard for me to go to him with concerns. I've noticed in general that he's a bad communicator. He waits until the last minute to tell us important updates. My goal is to establish a positive relationship with him, but I don't know how to do that. It feels as if he doesn't care about getting to know the new people. In the wake of recent firings, it makes me nervous. -- Want to Bond, Harlem, N.Y.

DEAR WANT TO BOND: Your job is to forge a bond with your director. That means you need to be assertive. Greet him when you see him. If you have questions or concerns, have the courage to speak up and let him know. If possible, speak to him about things that are going well, too, so that he doesn't look upon you as a naysayer.

Assume the positive, and act as if you are a valuable part of the team. Your attitude will help you to impress him with your skills, personality and presence.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to your invitation to readers to share insights, I've been divorced for 20 years. I was blindsided by my husband's affair and the resulting divorce. I wanted none of it, but as you state, it takes the efforts of both spouses to repair a broken marriage.

Here is one of the interesting things I learned: For centuries, it was considered a man's right to have as many women as he wanted. As long as he supported his wife and children to some degree and functioned with his family in public, society simply looked the other way. The "women's liberation" movement of the 1970s empowered women to say, "I'm not living this way. Choose your outside interests or choose me and the children."

All three of my adult children are married. I hope my daughter has learned that she can be a loving wife who is supportive yet strong and will never be a doormat. I hope my two sons have learned to be loving husbands who cherish and protect their wives and children.

If given the same set of circumstances again, I would not hesitate to stand up for me and my children. -- Divorced and Content, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR DIVORCED AND CONTENT: I appreciate your letter. It is so important for women -- and men -- to learn to stand in their own strength and to notice when their lives require course corrections. Sometimes those corrections can occur within a marriage if both partners choose to treat each other differently -- with greater love and respect. Sometimes the course correction requires that relationships change by ending.

Especially when children are involved, it is important to live in such a way that you honor yourself. Your children will emulate your behavior, for better or for worse. I believe the job of parents is to teach their children how to live with honor, integrity and goodness. You can't just say it. You have to live it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: To my surprise, I found out my church will not have its annual New Year's celebration this year. I was a bit taken aback by the sudden announcement. Now I'm scrambling to figure out how I'm going to bring in the new year. As you know, going out on New Year's Eve in New York City can be one of the most expensive nights of your life. Can you offer some cost-effective ways I can spend New Year's Eve without breaking the bank? -- Happy New Year, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR HAPPY NEW YEAR: It is true that many people go out to fancy parties on New Year's Eve. The reality in New York City is that you can find activities at any price point. You just have to look around.

But I think it would be more to your taste to craft your own activity. If you are accustomed to bringing in the new year in prayer, don't give up on that.

Do you have a group of friends at your church? If so, you may want to gather a few church members for a party at someone's home. Or visit another church that is having a special event. In that way, you can bring in the new year in fellowship and without breaking the bank.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a part-time job with a theater company, and the annual holiday party is this week. My manager has told me I will be the bartender for the evening. I am uncomfortable with the request, because I'm active in my church and I feel like there would be a conflict of interest with my personal beliefs.

I'm not sure what I should do. I'm torn, because it's the holiday season and I need the extra money. -- Reluctant Bartender, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR RELUCTANT BARTENDER: You should never do something that goes against your core beliefs. So it's time to evaluate what they are.

Does your church teach that you cannot serve or drink alcohol? Do you believe it is immoral to do either? Also, did you know when you took the job that you might have to serve alcohol?

If you knew, then the bigger issue is that you took the job without considering what would happen when the day came that you had to serve. If you didn't know, it makes sense that you now have concerns.

Go to your boss and explain your problem. Ask if there is any other role that you could fulfill at the company that might be more comfortable for you.

Ultimately, if the boss needs you to do that job and you don't want to, you may have to quit. Are you ready to make that decision?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently separated from my wife, and we have an 11-year-old son. My estranged wife lives in the same school district, and our son splits his time between our two houses.

I have worked hard to get my son on the road to the honor roll. As of late, he has been staying with his mother, and there's been a slip in his school grades. I asked my soon-to-be ex why our son's grades had slipped while he was at her house. Her response was, "I don't stress him about his homework." I almost lost it when I heard her say those words.

I don't want to reduce my son's visits to see his mother, but I am concerned that she does not share the same sense of urgency regarding our son's education. How should I address this matter with her without losing my cool? -- Father Knows Best, Newark, N.J.

DEAR FATHER KNOWS BEST: Ask the guidance counselor at school if he or she can meet jointly with you and your wife to discuss your son's education. Talking with a neutral arbiter may help both of you to hear what your son needs and how you can support him.

Tell the counselor in advance what's happening in your family and ask for guidance in keeping your son on track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 24 years old and live at home with my parents. I'm working and would like to save money, but I would also like my own space and some privacy. My hours are really different from my parents', and I get home while they are sleeping. It's hard to wind down when their room is across from mine. I feel like I'm waking them up.

Our house has a basement that was converted into an apartment, and I asked my father if I could move down there. At first he agreed, saying I could move down there after he finished renovating the bathroom. Soon after the bathroom was done, he changed his mind, stating that he would rather have the space for visitors.

How do I convince my father that I should move into that space? I currently don't pay rent, but I do contribute to the household chores and food budget. -- Longing for Privacy, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR LONGING FOR PRIVACY: Your greatest chance for leverage comes if you treat your living arrangement as a formal relationship.

Start by thanking your father for letting you live in the family home as an adult. Remind him of your schedule and that it can sometimes be awkward for you because you don't want to disturb them. Also point out that you crave a bit of privacy. With that, offer to pay rent for your accommodations. Suggest to your father that you have a one-year lease on the basement for an agreed-upon rent. Offer to continue to contribute to the household. Ask him to try it out.