Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a midwife who is frequently on call. Just this Thanksgiving, I could be only 20 minutes away from my client. I know this comes with the territory, so I went to my neighbor's house to celebrate the holiday.

My boyfriend, who lives a state over, was not as understanding. He told me that everyone else has a day off, while I retorted that life doesn't wait around for the holidays. How can I get him to understand the unique stresses of my job? He's upset we didn't celebrate our first holiday together. -- Delivering Babies and Bad News, Denver

DEAR DELIVERING BABIES AND BAD NEWS: Plenty of people have nontraditional jobs that require unusual hours. Because you have that type of schedule, it is incumbent on you to align your family and friends with your reality. Your new boyfriend wanted to see you and was frustrated that it couldn't happen. This is natural. What you needed to do was to explain -- calmly -- what the terms of your employment are. It is important for you to resist the temptation to get defensive or holier-than-thou about your work.

Do your best to remember that your loved ones, especially your beau, simply want to spend quality time with you. Do not get upset. Instead, create opportunities for meaningful encounters. Next time, invite your beau to a quiet dinner or lunch for two near your worksite. Vow to come visit as soon as the baby is born. Figure out creative solutions that bring you two close together without compromising your job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After a family get-together, it came to my knowledge that my 6-year-old cousin wears diapers to bed. This shocked me (and grossed me out) because I was completely potty-trained at half her age. I didn't want to bring this up to her mother, who seems to think attachment parenting is the best method, but I think I should. What if she gets made fun of at sleepovers or never gets fully potty-trained? I think I should step in -- her seventh birthday is coming up in a few months. -- No More Diapers, St. Louis

DEAR NO MORE DIAPERS: You cannot prevent whatever teasing may come your cousin's way. You can speak to her mother to check in. Let her know that you discovered that her daughter isn't yet potty-trained and that you wanted to check in to find out if there's something wrong. There is a chance that your cousin is developmentally disabled or has some other challenge. If you ask compassionately, you stand a chance of receiving an honest answer.

Ask your aunt if you can be of help with your cousin making the transition out of diapers. Be careful as you navigate this conversation, but push on. Do your best to learn what's going on with her and to encourage her to get the help her daughter needs in order to gain control of her bladder. A visit to the pediatrician may be needed -- or even to a child psychologist.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the typical rotation of hosting holidays? I have been trying to get the weight of hosting off my shoulders, but I can't seem to find a child, sibling or grandparent to take the burden. Should this be passed up or down through generations? -- No More Hosting, Detroit

DEAR NO MORE HOSTING: I'm not aware of a "typical" rotation of hosting holidays that's part of the American lexicon. What I do know is that it usually starts with the matriarch of the family, and then when she either passes or gets too old to handle the responsibility, one of her siblings or children takes the baton.

These days, families that live near one another sometimes agree to rotate the responsibility from house to house each year and each holiday, so that it is not a burden on anyone. In some families -- especially those that have lost the matriarch but have no one willing or able to step in -- families decide to go to a restaurant for the holiday meal -- as a family. Or they order in. I know that may seem sacrilegious for some, but it works in certain instances. Ultimately, if the duty has fallen on you and you are no longer up to the task, you must initiate new ideas and enforce what makes sense for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother needs too much help from me and my siblings and refuses to get a caregiver. I am under a lot of stress and cannot keep worrying about her and taking her calls about needing assistance with her home. My siblings and I pay her rent (happily), and I think we should send over a caregiver to help her. She can learn to like it! -- Caregiver Surprise, Boston

DEAR CAREGIVER SURPRISE: It's not best to spring a caregiver on your mother, even as you have decisions to make. Does she already use an alert system in case she falls? If not, start by introducing that idea. Some families install motion-sensor cameras in their parents' homes so that it can be easy to monitor them from a distance.

In terms of a human helper, do your research. Find someone who seems compatible with your mother, and then bring the person with you one day when you go to visit. Introduce the person and say what she or he does. Ask your mother to try to see if the person can be of help. Plan this at a time when you need to go out for awhile. Ask the helper to stay and engage your mother during the period that you are gone. Even if your mother balks at first, there's a good chance she will give the person a try if you physically leave her or him there when you go.

You may need to point out to your mother times when it would have been safer for her to have help. Ask her to try out the person for a week. Revisit the notion after that time period to see if she has changed her mind.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live with my mother and stepfather. They are both extremely religious and abstain from alcohol. When I went away for a weekend, my mom went into my room and found empty wine bottles under my bed. I admit that when I come home from work, I like to drink a glass of wine while watching a show before going to bed. She has told my entire family I am an alcoholic because I drink alone.

I am over the legal drinking age and have consumed five bottles of wine since August -- that is only 25 servings of wine. Am I right to be angry with my mother? She embarrassed me in front of the whole family. -- She's Confused, Salt Lake City

DEAR SHE'S CONFUSED: The bottom line for you is that if you want to drink alcohol at home, you need to live in your own home -- not that of your parents. You know that they shun alcohol. They probably think it is a sin and have articulated that they believe you drink too much.

Your alcohol consumption is something for you to evaluate, potentially with the help of your doctor. But as far as family mores and household expectations, you have definitely crossed a line that your parents consider a violation. Suck up the embarrassment part. Apologize to your parents for drinking in their home. While you live there, don't trip on the premises. Seriously consider your next steps as far as independence. Chances are, there are many things you would prefer to do, but your hands are tied until you have your own place.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband impulse-purchased a hot tub this weekend. Obviously, this was not the smartest decision he's ever made. To add to this mess, we can't return the hot tub (it was on sale), and we don't have anybody to sell it to. I think we should just cut our losses and scrap the tub, while my husband thinks we may as well hook it up. The water bill will be through the roof! What should we do with this huge aboveground hot tub? -- Boiling Hot, Atlanta

DEAR BOILING HOT: Before you chuck the tub, do the research to find out how much it actually will cost to utilize it. Call your water company to determine the average cost of using a hot tub. They will know, as others in your neighborhood or nearby likely use one. Figure out all costs, along with the reality of why your husband wanted it in the first place. A properly tended hot tub could serve as a romantic spark in your marriage if you treat it as such.

Pour some cold water on your face -- literally if need be -- and sit down to talk to your husband. Learn his motivation and make an effort to like his new toy. It may become something very special that you enjoy together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)