Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 14-year-old daughter is overweight. We try to have her diet, but I constantly find candy wrappers under her bed anyway. "Casey" tries to wear the same clothes as her friends (belly shirts, short shorts and tighter dresses) and has tantrums and meltdowns when she doesn't look like them. She doesn't take any of the necessary steps to lose weight, and she refuses anyone's help. How can I help my daughter if she can't help herself? -- Weight Loss, Las Vegas

DEAR WEIGHT LOSS: Please make an appointment with your daughter's pediatrician right away. You should speak to the doctor in advance to give a clear picture of your concerns -- including your daughter's current lack of understanding of her body and how to dress appropriately. Your daughter needs mental health support that hopefully will help her to be able to see herself accurately and embrace a healthier lifestyle. She also needs practical nutritional advice on how to eat to lower her caloric intake. A nutritionist would be a great addition to your team, someone who can teach your daughter how to eat to care for her unique self. The psychologist can help her see herself for who she is, learn to love herself and learn to dress the body in which she lives.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter and I just had the "college talk." She told me that she wanted to go to an expensive private university, and I told her we simply do not have the funds. She's applied herself more and more to track and field, and she hopes to get a scholarship to this school. If the price is reasonable, we will pay for this. However, I think she needs to keep her options open, though she has a one-track mind to this university. How can I change her mind about state schools? -- Too Expensive, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TOO EXPENSIVE: Encourage your daughter to go for her dream as she also lines up several backups. Be straightforward with her about exactly how much money you believe you can contribute to her annual college fund. Help her to create a budget based on all expenses, including books, food, transportation home, etc. Compare the two.

Help your daughter search for scholarships. There are plenty more than the athletic option. Many students get multiple scholarships that help to pay for their college lives. Finally, press your daughter to apply to several more schools that are within your budget parameters. Look hard at the options so that you can identify schools that offer her areas of interest at the lower price. Do not allow her to put all her eggs in one proverbial basket. Require that she explore her options so that no matter what happens, she is covered.

If she suggests that you are not supporting her dream, assure her that you hope that her dream will come true when she wants it to, but that it is your responsibility as her parent to ensure that she has a backup plan.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends is extremely interested in photography. She is taking a class and wants to do a photo shoot with me. I am in the middle of moving, and she told me that she doesn't mind and would love to shoot me in my childhood bedroom. What she didn't pick up on is that I DO mind the timing of this photo shoot.

She has a deadline, but I need to pack up my parents' house. She already told me she'd be angry if I canceled on her because of her final grade. -- To Cancel?, Cincinnati

DEAR TO CANCEL?: I have learned that it is essential that you stand up for yourself, even if that means that your friends aren't happy sometimes. You can do so while still expressing support for your friend. Tell her that you appreciate her interest in photography and would be happy to accommodate her at another time, but that you will not be available to do the photo shoot within her deadline period. The end.

If she continues to pressure you, stop talking about it and turn your attention to the work before you. Your job is to complete the packing of your parents' home, which is a monumental effort. If you honestly feel that you cannot handle the added stress of incorporating a photo shoot into the mix, stand your ground.

I will add, though, that having your family home and bedroom documented before you leave it forever could create beautiful memories. Sorry to throw a wrench into it, but this is worth your serious consideration before you close the door.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am notoriously clumsy, and I spilled tea on a customer I was serving -- and myself -- in my cafe. I try to have great relationships with my customers, but this woman immediately went up in arms and demanded I pay her for every piece of clothing I got the tea on. I told her that I would pay for dry cleaning, and she threatened to sue me before giving me her contact information and storming out. Am I responsible for purchasing new clothing? Should I just ignore this threat? -- Clumsy Costs, Madison, Wisconsin

DEAR CLUMSY COSTS: Speak to your manager immediately about the situation. You should not be on your own in this. Typically, a restaurant is responsible for the dry cleaning bill for any clothing that is affected by a spill that was the establishment's fault. It is far less common for the facility to buy someone new clothes. What this customer needs is likely to speak to someone in authority who can calm her down and assure her that this accident was unintentional. Your manager can offer her a free meal or some other additional perk.

For you, stop calling yourself clumsy. If you expect to continue to work in the service industry, specifically in food service, you must claim better behavior and then work toward activating it. Otherwise, you will deserve being sued for your ineptness.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a midwife who is frequently on call. Just this Thanksgiving, I could be only 20 minutes away from my client. I know this comes with the territory, so I went to my neighbor's house to celebrate the holiday.

My boyfriend, who lives a state over, was not as understanding. He told me that everyone else has a day off, while I retorted that life doesn't wait around for the holidays. How can I get him to understand the unique stresses of my job? He's upset we didn't celebrate our first holiday together. -- Delivering Babies and Bad News, Denver

DEAR DELIVERING BABIES AND BAD NEWS: Plenty of people have nontraditional jobs that require unusual hours. Because you have that type of schedule, it is incumbent on you to align your family and friends with your reality. Your new boyfriend wanted to see you and was frustrated that it couldn't happen. This is natural. What you needed to do was to explain -- calmly -- what the terms of your employment are. It is important for you to resist the temptation to get defensive or holier-than-thou about your work.

Do your best to remember that your loved ones, especially your beau, simply want to spend quality time with you. Do not get upset. Instead, create opportunities for meaningful encounters. Next time, invite your beau to a quiet dinner or lunch for two near your worksite. Vow to come visit as soon as the baby is born. Figure out creative solutions that bring you two close together without compromising your job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After a family get-together, it came to my knowledge that my 6-year-old cousin wears diapers to bed. This shocked me (and grossed me out) because I was completely potty-trained at half her age. I didn't want to bring this up to her mother, who seems to think attachment parenting is the best method, but I think I should. What if she gets made fun of at sleepovers or never gets fully potty-trained? I think I should step in -- her seventh birthday is coming up in a few months. -- No More Diapers, St. Louis

DEAR NO MORE DIAPERS: You cannot prevent whatever teasing may come your cousin's way. You can speak to her mother to check in. Let her know that you discovered that her daughter isn't yet potty-trained and that you wanted to check in to find out if there's something wrong. There is a chance that your cousin is developmentally disabled or has some other challenge. If you ask compassionately, you stand a chance of receiving an honest answer.

Ask your aunt if you can be of help with your cousin making the transition out of diapers. Be careful as you navigate this conversation, but push on. Do your best to learn what's going on with her and to encourage her to get the help her daughter needs in order to gain control of her bladder. A visit to the pediatrician may be needed -- or even to a child psychologist.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)