Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am taking part in my work's secret Santa gift exchange. I thought the drawings would be slightly rigged so I would at least know who I was buying a gift for, but I have never spoken to my gift recipient, "Jeff." What could I possibly get him? We were advised against getting generic gifts and really getting to know the person. -- Too Much Effort, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TOO MUCH EFFORT: It sounds like your company's management team wants the staff to get to know one another. This is a creative, if time-consuming, way. You need to become a sleuth of sorts. Figure out who Jeff is. Walk by his desk and do a cursory overview of what he has in his personal area to get ideas for his interests. Look him up in the company directory to learn about his job and any details that might be available. Research him on social media as you continue your search. You don't want to give away that you are the secret Santa, so you have to be careful how much you talk to Jeff. If you want to engage him at all, you may want to speak to several people in his area so that it will remain vague as to exactly who you are and who you are investigating.

Then, get something simple that speaks to who this man is. Like, if you see a particular candy or gum on his desk get him more of that. If you notice a book, get him a book in that genre. Kids' photos? A fun picture frame that's kid-friendly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family immigrated to the United States from Poland, and we still celebrate Christmas s we did back home, at night on the 24th. After remarriages, this year is our first celebrating American Christmas. We don't know what to expect except what we've seen in movies and holiday commercials. There is no easy way to learn the culture except for experiencing it, but I feel like a fish out of water. Does everyone really run downstairs in their pajamas and start opening presents? Do we all watch each other open gifts? -- How to Be American, Boston

DEAR HOW TO BE AMERICAN: There are some things that most families do, but honestly you should speak to the new step-families to learn about their traditions. Give them an opportunity to tell you about what they think is important in their families. Often, these things change when children grow up, so it's smart to check in.

One common activity, especially with young children, is to leave milk and cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. Children go to bed early, then wake up very early, so parents tend to make rules about when everyone will go to see what Santa left under the tree. Opening presents is commonly a group activity, in pajamas, where family members take turns opening gifts so they can see what everyone gets. Regardless of a family's budget, the goal is to have something for everyone, especially the children.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend called me a bad mother because I don't constantly supervise my children. As they get older (they're 8 and 11), I like to give them small freedoms, like walking down the block to the convenience store for snacks and to occasionally get me a coffee. Am I a bad mother? When I was growing up, my curfew would be the streetlights coming on. -- A Little Freedom, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR A LITTLE FREEDOM: As a parent, you have to decide when your children are ready to accept increasing amounts of independence. I have had a similar experience. My daughter was the first girl in her class to go to school by herself, without a parent or baby sitter. Only she and one other girl, to our knowledge, walked or bused home from school by age 12. For me, that seemed normal, even though many parents considered it too young for their children.

What I had to do was what was right for my family. The same is true for you. Make sure you put safeguards in place. Give your children cellphones that include GPS trackers. Teach them the route to and from their destination. Have them travel together to have safety in numbers. Listen to yourself, not your friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hosted Thanksgiving for my family this year. Part of my family left dinner early to prepare for Black Friday shopping. I was livid. How could you value materialistic things over family time? We don't get together often, but I was told the savings were just "too good." I am disappointed. Do these shoppers deserve an invitation to Christmas? It's about family, not the presents. -- Not on My Watch, Fort Lauderdale, Florida

DEAR NOT ON MY WATCH: The lure of Black Friday is real for many people. While the deals are often good, I do find it to be gimmicky, and I hate that many sales start on Thanksgiving Day. Cutting into family time is not a good idea, in my book.

Rather than uninvite the offending family members, let them know how disappointed you were in their behavior. Remind them of how rarely you get together as a family and that you hope that next year they will put family first. Point out that they can shop the next day, just not in the middle of your family's Thanksgiving celebration.

To ensure that they will be active participants at Christmas, warmly invite them to join the festivities and let them know the agenda. This is important for everyone, especially young adults who may want to dash off to see friends or participate in other activities toward the end of the day. You should not try to monitor their time excessively, or you will create animosity. It is OK to let them know that you hope they will choose family first for the core time of the family engagement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 14-year-old daughter is overweight. We try to have her diet, but I constantly find candy wrappers under her bed anyway. "Casey" tries to wear the same clothes as her friends (belly shirts, short shorts and tighter dresses) and has tantrums and meltdowns when she doesn't look like them. She doesn't take any of the necessary steps to lose weight, and she refuses anyone's help. How can I help my daughter if she can't help herself? -- Weight Loss, Las Vegas

DEAR WEIGHT LOSS: Please make an appointment with your daughter's pediatrician right away. You should speak to the doctor in advance to give a clear picture of your concerns -- including your daughter's current lack of understanding of her body and how to dress appropriately. Your daughter needs mental health support that hopefully will help her to be able to see herself accurately and embrace a healthier lifestyle. She also needs practical nutritional advice on how to eat to lower her caloric intake. A nutritionist would be a great addition to your team, someone who can teach your daughter how to eat to care for her unique self. The psychologist can help her see herself for who she is, learn to love herself and learn to dress the body in which she lives.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter and I just had the "college talk." She told me that she wanted to go to an expensive private university, and I told her we simply do not have the funds. She's applied herself more and more to track and field, and she hopes to get a scholarship to this school. If the price is reasonable, we will pay for this. However, I think she needs to keep her options open, though she has a one-track mind to this university. How can I change her mind about state schools? -- Too Expensive, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TOO EXPENSIVE: Encourage your daughter to go for her dream as she also lines up several backups. Be straightforward with her about exactly how much money you believe you can contribute to her annual college fund. Help her to create a budget based on all expenses, including books, food, transportation home, etc. Compare the two.

Help your daughter search for scholarships. There are plenty more than the athletic option. Many students get multiple scholarships that help to pay for their college lives. Finally, press your daughter to apply to several more schools that are within your budget parameters. Look hard at the options so that you can identify schools that offer her areas of interest at the lower price. Do not allow her to put all her eggs in one proverbial basket. Require that she explore her options so that no matter what happens, she is covered.

If she suggests that you are not supporting her dream, assure her that you hope that her dream will come true when she wants it to, but that it is your responsibility as her parent to ensure that she has a backup plan.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)