Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is 10 years old, and she is already developing like a teenager. I am torn as to how to deal with this. When I was growing up, my mother made me wear undershirts until I was a teenager. She said that a nice girl shouldn’t wear a bra until she is a teen. My daughter clearly needs to wear a bra. Without one, she is actually drawing more attention to her body than if she had more control of her budding breasts. I feel like I should get her fitted for a bra, but I keep hearing my mother’s voice in my head. How can I reconcile this and support my child? -- Growing Pains

DEAR GROWING PAINS: It is time for you to listen to your own voice. Your instincts are telling you the right thing. Your child needs support for the body she is in, not the one you wish she inhabited. Keeping your mother’s sentiments in mind, you can be sure to get her “appropriate” bras.

There are bras designed for teens, including many without underwire, which you should choose for health reasons as well as presentation reasons. Look for sports bras that provide support without glamorizing. Avoid push-up bras or those marketed as “sexy.” Take her to a store where a knowledgeable salesperson can help you make smart decisions. Be upbeat when you talk to your daughter. She is likely uncomfortable and possibly confused by the changes in her body. The way you respond to her will make all the difference in how she embraces the woman she is becoming.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was scheduled to have lunch with a dear friend I haven’t seen in person for a year when she bowed out, saying that she couldn’t tear herself away from the impeachment hearings in order to meet with me.

I do believe it’s important to stay abreast of current events -- especially something as important as this topic is for our country -- but I feel like my friend is getting absorbed in the drama of the news cycle and all the craziness that is happening these days. In the midst of all of this, I think we should still live our lives and spend time with our loved ones. I was upset that she bailed on me in order to watch this. -- Blinded by Politics

DEAR BLINDED BY POLITICS: It is good that your friend feels it is important to stay on top of current events. It is not good that she is stalling her life in order to do so. This is why technology is important. Many TVs or cable and streaming services allow you to save programs to watch when you are ready. You should recommend this to your friend for next time. Make it clear that your feelings were hurt that she dumped you for this event. Suggest that keeping her plans with you is also important for her life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend has been confiding in me about her sex life with her husband. He has erectile dysfunction, and she is upset about it. He won’t go to the doctor because he is too embarrassed.

My friend is worried about her husband’s health, but sometimes she says she thinks it is happening because he is having an affair and has nothing left for her when he gets home. It is a mess, and I feel so bad for her and for them.

I don’t know what to say to her. When she asks for my advice, I am dumbfounded. I am not a doctor or a therapist. To be fair, usually I pipe up with all kinds of advice for her challenges, but I don’t know what to tell her. She says I’m being selfish because suddenly I’m quiet. How can I get the point across that this is above my pay grade? They need to visit a doctor. -- A Friend’s Problem

DEAR A FRIEND’S PROBLEM: You are doing the right thing by keeping your mouth closed. This is your friend’s problem, not yours, and it is a sensitive one. Do not share your opinion at all, no matter what it is.

You can point your friend to some facts about erectile dysfunction, namely that some serious illnesses are often the culprit. High blood pressure, diabetes, alcoholism, Parkinson’s disease, high cholesterol and obesity are among the underlying causes for this problem.

It is important for your friend’s husband to get a physical. You might say that it is more likely that he has a medical problem than that he is having an affair. She may be able to use that argument to push him to make an appointment.

For more information on this condition, point her to medicalnewstoday.com/articles/5702.php.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My in-laws are Jehovah’s Witnesses. That means that at the holidays, we end up not spending much time together. We don’t want to be insensitive to their values, which require that they not celebrate holidays, but we miss not spending time with them. Lots of family members come to town for about a week, and we struggle with how to include them. As my in-laws are getting older, we want to figure out a way to include them more in family activities. Any ideas? -- Family Ties

DEAR FAMILY TIES: If your family members are together for a week, map out a range of activities that are not holiday specific. While you may organize a special meal for the holiday to which they would not be invited, you can plan a family gathering the next day that is just to get together.

If you believe your in-laws would appreciate gifts that are not tied to a celebration, encourage family members who are coming from out of town to bring tokens of love for them, and those of you in town can make or buy something special for them. Call them “I love you” gifts.

Consider that you can fill your week with many special moments that include your in-laws if you start thinking of the gathering as family time rather than holiday time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a conservative office where most people wear dark suits every day. I have conformed as much as I feel comfortable, but I hate wearing dark clothes all the time. Before this job, I wore bright colors every day. I don’t want to rock the boat too much, but I feel unhappy when I cannot express even a little of my personality through my attire. I want to add pops of color in my blouses, dresses or accessories. Is this too radical? -- Too Dark

DEAR TOO DARK: Looking professional should not require that you completely extract all of your personality from your wardrobe. Yet you still want to be strategic about how you present yourself for the work at hand. Why not do a test? On days when you do not have important meetings, add a bit of color. Go subtle for starters. A brightly colored blouse under a dark jacket can be a good trial. Gauge the reactions you get. If you can balance the conservative nature of your office with a bit of your personality, you may be OK.

You might also think of your office attire as your uniform that you wear for work but that you can take off as soon as you get home. Colorful flowers on your desk might help to keep the sunshine in your environment, even if you aren’t wearing it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: You missed an important point in your response to the mom of the pregnant daughter who is in college. Whether or not the daughter is with the baby's father and whether or not he is willing to help with the baby, he is legally responsible to support the child.

If they decide to keep the baby, they need to take support action against this man and legally establish paternity. This is essential -- not just for the monthly support payment. But if the man becomes disabled or dies, for instance, then the child would also be eligible for Social Security benefits. Other benefits could be available, such as medical and life insurance benefits, veterans benefits and rights to inheritance. Not to mention emotional support from the father. This affects the child for his or her entire life. -- Know Your Rights

DEAR KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: Very good point! The fact is that babies come into this world because of two participants. The father should be responsible whether or not the couple stays together, and even if the parents are young, as in this case when the mother is a college student.

A question that is hotly debated in this country is what to do when you become pregnant and do not have the resources or the desire to care for a child. There are two clear camps regarding reproductive rights. But the area gets much more nuanced when it comes to what happens when a child is born and the parents are not prepared to care for it. My challenge to families is to think through all options and make an informed decision that includes all parties. When you bring a child into this world, you need to take responsibility for caring for it. If it takes legal action to enforce that responsibility, so be it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)