Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have spent years being mad at my father about things that he did and said to me when I was a child. I grew up in his household, and he was harsh. He was a taskmaster, and he expected everyone in the family to do exactly what he said, or else suffer his glaring eye. I was so mad at him because I felt like he didn’t love me. He was rarely warm or kind.

My father has been dead a long time now. As I look at my own kids and those of friends, I realize that his lessons pushed me to excel. A lot of kids today are complacent and get away with not striving to be their best. My father’s methods worked. I still wish he were kinder, but I see the impact he had on my life, and it turns out it was good. He drove me to be responsible and successful.

My father is long gone. How can I forgive him and teach my children the benefits he gave me? I don’t usually talk about him kindly. -- Perspective

DEAR PERSPECTIVE: It’s great that you finally see some value in your father’s approach to parenting and life. This refreshed understanding should help you to forgive him. Next, you can begin to tell your children about him and the lessons he taught you. Be honest. He was harsh and consistent with his values and rules, and often, that upset you. Tell them. But also explain that because of how strict he was, you have developed a discipline and drive that have served you well. Attempt to teach your children the lessons he instilled in you, but without the hard edge. Point out when they are slacking and what the consequences may be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student, and I share a dorm room with a girl who is pretty nice, but she has boundary issues. My roommate is constantly “borrowing” my stuff. She uses my shampoo. She will wear a sweater that’s hanging in my closet if it matches her outfit better than her own sweater. She will even eat my food if it’s in the refrigerator and she is hungry.

I grew up in a household where people were constantly “borrowing” stuff from me, and I hated it. This person is not related to me, and I’m not having it. How can I get my point across without being rude? -- Hands Off

DEAR HANDS OFF: Sit down with your roommate and have a direct conversation with her. Tell her that you do not like to share your stuff. This includes clothing, food, toiletries, etc. In the future, if she wants to borrow something of yours, tell her she must ask and get your permission. Otherwise, she should assume that the answer is no.

Begin to label the food that you put in the refrigerator. Store your clothing in drawers, if at all possible. Keep your toiletries in a shower caddy in your personal area. Make it hard for her to invade your space. That may help.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m dating a man whose ex-girlfriend cannot seem to leave him alone. She follows him around and even shows up at his home unannounced while I’m there. He’s had to call the police on her a few times. It’s getting to the point where I’m concerned not only for his safety, but for my own. What should I do? -- Crazy Ex

DEAR CRAZY EX: Trust your inner voice. Jealous ex-partners can be dangerous. While your boyfriend cannot control his ex, you may want to put your relationship on pause until she calms down. Talk to him about your concerns. Make a plan together that puts both of your safety first. He may need to visit with the police and learn if they have any recommendations for safety precautions. If she doesn’t know where you live, your home might be a safe space, but if she follows him around, that may be dangerous as well.

Ultimately, you need to decide if this relationship is worth risking your safety. That may sound harsh, but sometimes these situations escalate and turn violent. Is this man worth your life?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got drunk and said some mean things to a friend of mine. She and I have had issues in the past, and generally I bite my tongue, but I had had a few too many, and I let her have it. I know this wasn’t nice. It was actually out of control. The thing is, though, what I said is how I feel even though I had never said it all out loud before.

I feel I owe my friend an apology for blurting it all out like that, but I may also owe her the truth, which is that she does upset me in particular ways that I have never told her before. I think it’s time for a heart-to-heart talk, but I’m scared. I’m also embarrassed that it took a drunken rage to get me to have the courage to say anything. Should I tell her? -- Sober Talk

DEAR SOBER TALK: Being honest with your friend when you are alert and sober is the responsible action to take. Start with an apology for spewing all of those thoughts on the day that you did. Acknowledge that being drunk is not a viable excuse for bad behavior. You know better, and you truly are sorry.

Then add the fact that you are also sorry that you never had the courage or could choose the moment to tell her what bothers you about her. Admit that your drunken talk, while vitriolic, did represent your true thoughts. Point out what bothers you about your friend's behavior and how she makes you feel. If you can see any resolution to whatever has surfaced, recommend that. Also give her a chance to talk. Once you clear the air, decide together -- if possible -- how to move forward. This moment of truth could mark the end of your friendship or a fresh start.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister is newly engaged to a man that she has been in a relationship with for several years now. They seem very happy for the most part. For my sister’s birthday, we all went out to dinner and had an activity-packed day with a bunch of their other friends. I couldn’t help but notice that one of her fiance’s female friends was being maybe a little too friendly with him. It was subtle, but I’m observant and picked up on it right away. My sister didn’t seem to notice. I’m protective of my sister, and I’m quick to call out anyone or anything that I think could potentially hurt her. I think she should keep an eye on that woman. Should I say something? -- Too Friendly

DEAR TOO FRIENDLY: You should tell your sister objectively what you observed. Rather than worrying about this woman, I recommend that your sister bring it up to her fiance directly. Ask him what their history is: Did they ever date? Does he know that she seems to be attracted to him? Can he put her behavior in check?

It is not unusual for someone in a friend group to have a long-term crush on a member of the group. Her interest does not mean that his feelings are reciprocal. As long as the two in the relationship are on the same page about friends and boundaries, they should be fine. Yes, some friends may have to be let go when you get married, but some can simply be put in their place.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a hair weave for the first time. I love how it looks, but I realize that it makes for awkwardness in the bedroom. I haven’t had a boyfriend for years. Recently, I started dating someone. We were kissing, and he put his hands in my hair. I tensed up a lot. I knew he would instantly feel the tracks in my hair. I stopped kissing and started sputtering as I tried to explain about my hair. That totally killed the moment.

Afterward, I shyly told him that I had never had a weave before and didn’t know how he would react to it. He said he didn’t realize my hair wasn’t real, but he didn’t care. That was a relief, but it still feels a little awkward now. How can I get past my insecurity? I really like my new hairstyle but feel like it’s a hindrance in the bedroom. -- Hair Weave

DEAR HAIR WEAVE: You are part of a very large club, so to speak, of women who have hair weaves, lace-front wigs, traditional wigs and other hair enhancements. Take a deep breath and know that thousands of women have sorted this out successfully.

You have options. You can make your hair off-limits by saying so and gently moving your lover’s hands away from your head when they start traveling there. You can allow him to put his fingers in your hair and discover what’s there. You can make peace with the fact that you have chosen to wear your hair in a particular way that requires a little bit of help beyond Mother Nature. Your guy is going to have to be OK with that, or he’s not your guy.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)