DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been in a committed relationship for over seven years, but recently, my partner's attitude toward my disability has shifted. As someone who uses a wheelchair due to a spinal injury, I've always appreciated my partner's support. However, lately, they've started making decisions for me without consulting me, assuming I can't handle certain tasks independently. For instance, they'll rearrange plans, assuming venues aren't wheelchair accessible, or speak for me in conversations about my needs. These actions make me feel sidelined and undermine my independence.
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I want us to be equals in our relationship, but I'm hesitant to address this with my partner because they tend to overthink and might misunderstand my intentions. What approach should I use to communicate my feelings to my partner without being misunderstood? -- Wanting Autonomy Back
DEAR WANTING AUTONOMY BACK: It is time for a heart-to-heart chat with your partner. Gently express your observation that they have been making decisions for you due to your disability. While you appreciate their thoughtfulness, you do not want to lose your agency to make decisions on your own. Thank them for loving you and thinking about you, and ask that they give you the chance to weigh in with your thoughts about whatever the situation may be. Explain that for your well-being, it is important for you to feel as independent as possible, so you want to participate in the decision-making regarding your needs.
To be sensitive to your partner’s feelings, you can state that you know they are taking extra efforts to be sure that you will be comfortable in any given situation, and you appreciate that. Still, it is important that you be allowed to speak for yourself and make your own decisions.