DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is upset with me for not buying him the shoes he wanted. Last Mother's Day, he got me a $20 salad bowl. Normally, I'd appreciate any gift, but then I saw what he bought for his mom, sister and cousin: The items ranged from $450 to $500 and were thoughtfully chosen. I'm usually generous and love making my loved ones happy, but this time, I was hurt that my gift was not only the cheapest, but also an impersonal household item. When I asked him about it, he said I should be grateful because it's something useful for the house. On Father's Day, I got him a nice $25 towel. When he complained and said he wanted the dress shoes he'd been eyeing, I told him, "That towel was nice and only cost $25. You should be grateful." Am I being overly petty or was it a fair response? -- Petty Housewife
Advertisement
DEAR PETTY HOUSEWIFE: Your “pettiness” may be the leverage you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. The gifts exchanged between you two and between him and his family are emblematic of something bigger. Why would your husband spend lavishly on his family and pinch pennies on you? Is he mad about something? What has happened in your relationship that has shut him down emotionally? That’s what you need to talk about. Press him to explain what he was thinking and why he chose to be so cold to you. Tell him that you want to know what’s going on, whatever it is. Add that you gave him the towel because your feelings were hurt. You wanted him to know how his gift made you feel.
Pivot to asking for what you want. If you desire more closeness in your marriage, say as much, and suggest what that might look like.