DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband’s estrangement from his own children breaks my heart nearly as much as it breaks his. His ex-wife has done a fabulous job of poisoning his children against him. She is a hateful person who made damn sure she raised hateful children.

The last time my husband saw his kids was not long before we got married and they moved almost all the way across the country to be closer to her family in New Jersey. So that means it’s been four years with nothing more than a handful of emails and texts ‒‒ oh, and bills for orthodontists and community college, along with shrieking reminders if his support payments are so much as a day late because of it being a holiday or a weekend when they are supposed to be released.

My two sons have fully embraced my husband as their new dad, which makes me happy. But for all the time and patience and support he shares with them he has not been able to give himself over to them emotionally, if that makes sense?

I sort of understand why, and I have spoken to the boys about why their stepdad keeps an emotional distance. They are great kids and old enough to at least tell me they understand too.

Am I asking too much from my husband to expect him to see my two boys as his as well? I’ve heard from so many people how much he loved being with his own kids and how devastated he was when they were pulled so far from him and stopped communicating with him. --- A GOOD DAD WITH BAGGAGE

DEAR A GOOD DAD WITH BAGGAGE: Your husband is in a tough spot, and putting additional pressure on him isn’t likely to make the situation better.

For one thing, even though he isn’t demonstrative of his feelings for your sons, they may be stronger than you perceive.

Another possibility is he thinks it would mean he’s being unfaithful to his own children ‒ regardless of how poorly they treat him ‒ if he gives the same kind of love to yours.

He could also be putting himself in a protective mode, having already been painfully shoved aside by his estranged children.

I believe the best thing to do is to let things happen in their own time. Four years can look like a long enough period to allow for the sort of bonding you’re hoping for, but perhaps it isn’t for your husband.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Growing up I spent most of the summers and school breaks at my grandparents’ house. There was a boatload of kids my and my brother’s age to play with and we ended up making good friends of several of them.

My grandfather was a collector, you could say. He liked to work on all sorts of different projects and went through a series of different hobbies. All that meant he always had odds and ends of things around the house and sometimes in the driveway and on the front and back porches. Some of that stuff was still there when he died last year just six months after my grandmother.

Even though the house went to my mom and her siblings, none of them live locally. I, however, do, and since I have kept in touch with some of the old neighborhood kids and their families, guess who is getting tapped to do something about the stuff my grandfather left behind?

My wife and I have gone over there a few times and done what we can to get things looking better outside, including staying on top of cutting the grass and getting rid of the weeks. But some of the bigger stuff, like a small motorboat and an old Ford pickup are still in the driveway. The exterior of the house itself is showing some wear and tear as well.

I know my mom and her siblings plan to put the place up for sale in the fall. In the meantime, I keep getting calls and texts from my old friends who still live in the neighborhood complaining about what hasn’t been taken care of yet.

Beyond what my wife and I have done, I don’t have any power in this whole set-up. I have told everyone that and about the upcoming sale.

Before that happens my mom and everyone else are supposed to come and get a few things and then the rest is going to either be sold at an estate sale or be taken away by a company that does that sort of thing.

What more do people want out of me? I don’t want old friendships to go bad, but their bugging me for what I have no power over is beginning to get to me. --- NOT MY MESS

DEAR NOT MY MESS: I don’t blame you for being annoyed at finding yourself in the middle of this situation.

Since it sounds as if there’s a plan in place for your grandparents’ house, all you can reasonably do is what you’ve been doing by letting people know what’s in the works.

One thing that might help is if you could nail down a more specific timeline for when things are supposed to happen. At the same time, inform your mother and her siblings what you’ve shared with the neighbors thus far, and that you’d like to let the neighbors know they should contact those family members directly involved in the planning for further details, not you.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband has been sharp-edged as long as I have known him, and I have known him for nearly 40 years.

Our son learned at a young age that his father is not the easiest guy to put up with, but also that underneath it all, he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound.

My daughter-in-law grew up in what couldn’t be a more different family. Her parents are quiet, soft-spoken, and the sort who, even with a family of six kids, apparently never yelled or lost their temper. (Although I find that hard to believe!)

The last time we all got together, her family and ours, my husband made a comment about how soft our son and daughter-in-law were being on their toddler. She has no limits, and I agree she gets away with many things our kids never would have so much as tried.

My daughter-in-law got very offended, and she and my husband got into a row about how children should be raised. He basically told her she was doing it all wrong, that children need limits and discipline, and she called him a nasty old man who terrorized his own son when he was growing up.

I tried to make some sort of peace, but the visit ended with us leaving their house and my daughter-in-law saying we were not to be anywhere near her daughter because she was afraid my husband would yell at her or worse if she did anything any normal toddler would do.

I know my husband would never hurt his granddaughter, and I have been her most regular babysitter. Now I am barred from doing what I love in caring for her and what I know gave our son and his wife a break they, like any young parents, require.

Do you think it is fair that I am being punished because my husband spoke his mind? --- I DID NOTHING WRONG

DEAR I DID NOTHING WRONG: You mentioned your daughter-in-law’s reaction to your husband’s comment, but not how your son responded.

While you believe he long ago figured his father has a soft interior wrapped up in a rough exterior, your daughter-in-law’s statement makes me think it’s possible your son doesn’t see your husband in the same light as you do, and therefore shares his wife’s opinion.

I think you, your son, and daughter-in-law need to have an open discussion about the ban on your babysitting. It might not change anyone’s opinion about your husband, but perhaps you’ll have the opportunity to make your case for being allowed to be around and care for your granddaughter.

Hopefully, they’ll welcome your return to babysitting for them, even if it needs to be just you for at least the time being.