DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's husband has the habit of answering our telephone when visiting us, sometimes to regrettable effect. Once he answered immediately prior to my husband's surprise birthday party, before I had a chance to hush the excited guest, and my husband, on the other end of the line, was sadly tipped off to the surprise.

Last night, he answered while I was outside chatting with my friend. He mentioned that "some idiot" had called with the wrong number. It turns out he was rather rude to our housepainter, whose first language is not English. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do later to this lovely man.

What exactly is the rule on answering the phone in another's house? I realize one should never be rude, but what are the guidelines? And how do I discourage him from doing this again?

GENTLE READER: The rule is that all a guest may do about a ringing telephone is to call out to the host, "Do you want me to get that?" or to say "I left this number, so that might be for me," and let the host decide who should answer.

The guidelines are that the host is indeed banned from being rude, but not from self-protection.

May Miss Manners safely assume that you have already tried the obvious? Such as saying "I appreciate your wanting to help, but please don't answer the telephone -- I prefer to let it ring" (or "the answering machine will take it")?

If that hasn't worked, you know this is not someone who was being inadvertently rude under the mistaken notion that he was doing you a favor. You should take measures to stop him before he thinks of doing you a favor by opening your mail.

The next step is from etiquette's unlikely friend, technology. Turn off the ringer. Set the answering machine to answer on one ring. Unplug the telephone. Whatever it takes.

Yes, of course, Miss Manners realizes that your busybody guest will discover this and point it out to you. That gives you another opportunity to explain that this is because you prefer handling your calls yourself after your guests have gone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! What do I say to people when they say to me, often in a very loud voice, "My, have you lost a lot of weight!" Actually, I am at an all time high, weight-wise. I am stunned by people who feel they can comment on my personal appearance in an obviously false manner. I would never comment in a way to highlight their faults. I was surprised to find that friends had the same problem and were also struck by how hurtful it was.

GENTLE READER: "Thank you, you're so kind to worry about me, but I'm fine." The trick here is to refuse to say anything more about a subject that is not their concern ("you're so kind to worry about me" being polite-speak for "mind-your-own-business"). Even Miss Manners was tempted to suggest adding, "as a matter of fact, I've been maintaining my weight nicely," until she realized that that, too, could be considered an opening.

Instead, you should be closing off ignorant evaluations with the chilling hint that weight is a more complicated matter than indicated by the assumption that thin is always better.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter's wedding five months ago was very small, and only family was invited except for a couple whom we have known for 31 years, who are considered "family." These people have always been there for us, and we have been there for them.

At the wedding, my friends got drunk, and Mrs. X lay on the floor twice and received lots attention from the other guests (many of whom were physicians). Her husband was loud and mean to me and to some guests. They had a very negative effect on the wedding.

My daughter and her husband are very hurt, and my daughter has difficulty when speaking to them. Another reason for her negative feelings is they never acknowledged her marriage with a gift or a card. I, on the other hand, am treating them as though nothing happened.

Last week, Mr. and Mrs. X had a party to celebrate her daughters' graduation from medical school. Only family and selected friends were invited. His children (from a previous marriage) and I were not invited. Mrs. X told me his children are hurt. I am not mad, but I am hurt. I need an unbiased opinion -- do I continue treating them as though these things have not occurred?

GENTLE READER: In the hope that they will continue to be "there" for you? Why? Does your floor seem empty without her? Are your family celebrations dull without his loudly abusing you and the other guests?

Miss Manners just wants to make sure she understands the problem. Much as she appreciates loyalty to old friends, she is having a difficult time believing that you hope to get back into their good graces, such as they are.

If these are ordinarily considerate, well-behaved, affectionate friends who have suddenly spun out of control, surely you should be alarmed about them, rather than miffed to be left out of their shenanigans. If this is just the way they have always been, and you truly are hurt that they are distancing themselves from you -- well, that's what's giving Miss Manners trouble.

No matter. Although these people know something about social crimes, it is only a misdemeanor to fail to include friends at a family party. But it does mean that they are distancing themselves, and you would do well to accept this by stepping back as well. This is best done quietly, neither challenging them with perfidy, nor dancing in the streets because they have released you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I operate a daycare out of my home. I am having a problem with a parent who doesn't seem to want to leave when picking up her son. At times this parent will stay for an hour trying to talk to me.

How do I tell this mom that I do not want to be her friend? I do not like to get too personal with the parents of the kids that I provide care for. This parent calls me just to talk on a regular basis. If I tell her I can't talk right then, she just calls me later. Please help me with this problem.

GENTLE READER: The threshold that is supposed to separate the workplace from private space has become seriously eroded everywhere, and here you are trying to maintain it in your home, where you welcome your clients' children. Miss Manners offers you her sympathy and her admiration.

The solution is to revert to professional behavior. Toward parents, who will sometimes need legitimate access, that means establishing calling hours and sticking to them: "I take calls from parents from 8:30 to 9, but you can always e-mail me about your concerns." Toward children, it means continuing instruction until they are out the door: "Brandon, it's time to go home with your mother now, and I'll see you in the morning."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend's father is a physician, and I have always addressed him as "Mister" since it comes naturally to me. I am 18 years old, and have been dating my boyfriend for three years, and he always makes a point of correcting me in front of his father, saying that I should call him "Doctor." Is it rude or bad manners for me to call him "Mister" when he is a physician?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners certainly considers it rude of you repeatedly to ignore your beau's wishes, and presumably those of his father, on the grounds that it is more important for you to do what "comes naturally." Especially when your natural inclination in this case is to be incorrect. As a matter of fact, medical doctors are properly addressed as "doctor," even socially.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Back when I was preparing to marry, toward the end of the Second Punic War, a bridal shower was a gathering at which the future bride's girlfriends "showered" her with small, utilitarian gifts that fit into the budgets of students or young working women: pot holders, dish towels, assorted little kitchen gadgets and the like. For a real splurge, several guests might chip in for an inexpensive negligee. Serious house wares, such as electrical appliances, place settings of china or silver, casserole dishes, wooden salad sets or silver candlesticks were considered wedding presents.

Now that several of my friends' daughters are getting married, I have been invited to a series of showers organized not by young, impecunious friends of the bride but by groups of prosperous, middle-aged friends or relatives of the young couple's parents. The guests are overwhelmingly women of my own age, some of whom have made special trips from out of town to attend. The refreshments are catered. And the gifts are of the category I remember receiving for my wedding, many of them selected from the registry of the bride's preferences.

The main entertainment is a game of bingo played while the guest of honor opens her gifts. The squares on the cards contain not numbers but the names of various gifts. As the bride opens each package, the guests cover the appropriate square.

I have felt a great deal of pressure to join my friends in celebrating their daughters' forthcoming weddings and therefore have attended. Because the gifts are opened publicly, I have felt compelled to bring something that I consider to be at the lower end of the wedding present range. Then, when the wedding invitation arrives, I have felt compelled to give another gift of equal or greater cost.

This has put me in a sour mood and has made me wonder whether it is really necessary to give two substantial gifts for a single marriage. On the one hand, I have been invited to two celebratory social events, and I do wish the young people well. On the other hand, none of these youngsters is economically deprived, and I feel shaken down at these events. What do you advise?

GENTLE READER: The fact that Miss Manners feels exactly as you do about the over-blown shower does not justify accepting an invitation and refusing to comply with its terms. On the other hand, no one in her right mind should be subjected to playing Gimme Bingo.

Surely there is a less arduous way you can show your good will for the young people. A letter expressing your good wishes would do that, but in cases where you are especially close, you could invite the bride to lunch and give her a chance to tell you all those wedding details she is unable to get anyone besides her mother to listen to.

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