Although they are of humble origin and their era of glory is well past, nowadays they will show up only at fancy dinners. Furthermore, they arrive only in time for dessert, make many people feel uneasy and fail to make themselves useful.

Fingerbowls: How do they manage, like people of similar characteristics, to hang on socially long after one might think their time had passed?

Miss Manners admits to a sneaking fondness for the old things and the useless ritual that they require. When fingerbowls are presented on their little doilies, with the dessert fork and spoon on their respective sides of the underlying plate, she welcomes the pause while diners remember to place the bowl and doily to their left and the silver to the sides of the remaining plate in expectation of being offered dessert.

Unless more basic rituals have been violated during the meal, nobody at a formal dinner should need a finger-wash at this point, so the warm water with its pretty petal or two generally remains untouched, as does the doily, which was originally there to be used as a towel. But goodness knows we can all do with a pleasant pause before plowing into dessert.

However, Miss Manners suspects that if fingerbowls don't stop scaring people and figure out how to make themselves useful once again, even these remaining nights of theirs are numbered. They could be spending the rest of their lives in the cupboard, sulking.

It is lonely in there. The old-timers who didn't chip or slink off to the flea market faced their loss of grandeur bravely and devised ways to make themselves acceptable in modern times. Even the table cigarette urns managed to reinvent themselves, for heaven's sake. Once they realized that they would never again be required at grand feasts to offer puffs between courses, they pulled themselves together and asked what a small silver cup had to offer under the new circumstances.

They got jobs holding potpourri or violets. Some managed to earn back a place at the table, where they can occasionally be found holding chocolate sticks, perhaps reunited with their old partners, the tiny silver ashtrays, who found employment holding nuts.

Fingerbowls could be used for cold soups and desserts, but a false pride keeps them clinging to their old job, even though its purpose is long gone. The custom dates from times when refined people not only ate with their fingers but from shared helpings. You wanted to make awfully sure that your dinner partners washed their hands, under those circumstances, and the best proof was witnessing it being done.

From this humble, not to say suspiciously utilitarian, necessity grew the grand ritual of the ewer and the sewer. The ewer was the basin or pitcher containing scented water for a grand ceremonial of cleaning used fingers, and the person privileged to pour this all over important people was also called the ewer, or ewerer. (The sewer was the mealtime chief of staff, and Miss Manners threw him in here just for good measure.)

Whether people are now washing their hands before coming to the table, Miss Manners cannot say, as she does not care to inspect. They at least mostly leave the table no worse than they arrived.

Occasionally, however, finger food, such as corn-on-the-cob and asparagus, are served at informal meals. This is where fingerbowls could make themselves useful again, not only for mopping up, but for making the ritual again familiar and thus removing the panic from formal occasions.

Or, like others with archaic skills, they could resort to working in the fast food industry, where, despite the pitiful efforts of "towelettes," they are badly needed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know you frown on "Thanks in advance," but what's wrong with using it informally in an e-mail?

It's commonly understood in e-mail to be a polite way to end a request for information. Everyone does it, and it saves cluttering up the Internet with thanks after receiving the information.

GENTLE READER: As an etiquette argument, "Everyone does it" is more popular with teen-agers than with Miss Manners. She keeps hoping for a higher standard.

The reason that "thanks in advance" is a poor form of politeness is that it is pre-emptive. In theory, at least, the person of whom you make a request is free to decide whether or not to comply. To encourage a favorable response, rather than to assume one, you are supposed to say how much you would appreciate it.

It does not strike Miss Manners as a great burden to add thanks afterward to your e-mailed acknowledgment of receiving what you requested. However, if you have scruples about cluttering the Internet, there is always paper.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning a wedding, and my husband-to-be would like his "Best Man" to be a woman. I have read that this is perfectly acceptable, however, I can not seem to find what we would call her in the program. Best Woman? Best Person? These just do not sound quite right! Help!

GENTLE READER: Best friend, and please put your hair back. You are going to need it to pin your veil on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question relates to how a professional should deal with clients who do not have good manners. I am an attorney. Since 1998, I have represented a company in a litigation matter that is still ongoing. At times, I have had almost daily dealings with Ms. X., my client contact; at other times, we can go for several weeks without contact.

Recently, I read that this same client was sued in a matter unrelated to the litigation I am handling for it, but in an area where I have extensive experience for other clients. I called Ms. X and left a detailed voice mail asking her to call me, at her convenience, so that we could discuss the matter. The next day, I followed up with an e-mail in which I listed my qualifications in this area and the qualifications of other members of my firm to assist the client in this new matter.

I also asked her to let me know, one way or the other, whether this was something she would be interested in discussing with me. After three more days, I followed up with a phone call and left a message with Ms. X.'s secretary asking Ms. X to call me about the new litigation.

A couple of weeks later, I called Ms. X to discuss a matter in the case I am handling. When we had finished discussing that matter, she quickly said, "Oh, on that other matter, sorry I never got back to you, I've just been swamped."

In response, all I said was, "Have you been too busy to retain counsel?" She then told me that she had retained other counsel.

One of my partners told me that my response was inappropriate, that I should have said something like, "Oh that's OK" in response to her statement that she was very busy. I obviously disagree, since I do not think it was OK.

Granted, all of my calls were part of an effort to persuade Ms. X to hire me to handle the new litigation, but I still think it is rude to ignore professional phone calls, and that she should have returned my call even if it was simply to thank me for my interest and then inform me that the company had already retained other counsel. Moreover, I do not consider her uttering the word "sorry" to be an apology, so I don't think I was under any compulsion to accept this non-heartfelt apology.

Was I wrong? And, although I do not think it matters, Ms. X has never informed me that she was displeased with how I have handled the ongoing litigation. (My position is that, even if she was displeased, she still should have had the common courtesy to return my phone calls.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners trusts that you are one of those rare lawyers who immediately returns all telephone calls and would never dream of keeping a client waiting.

But, are you also so meticulous in responding to solicitations to purchase something?

In such cases, the understanding is that the target responds if interested. If you use an existing social or business relationship to embarrass the person into giving your offer special consideration, you have to allow for the fact that the person will, in fact, be embarrassed.

Sometimes such a person is embarrassed into saying yes when the answer would otherwise have been no; other times, as is the case here, the target simply hides. Your continuing to pursue the matter when the client was obviously not interested sounds to Miss Manners remarkably like hounding.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am out strolling with my adopted 21-month-old son, I am periodically stopped by strangers who comment on how beautiful he is. My instinct is to thank them, simply because my son is not yet in a position to do likewise. At the same time, the "thank you" rings a little hollow in my ear since I am in no way responsible for his looks.

Perhaps I am mistaken here, but it seems to me that when we compliment a child's looks, we are also paying an implicit compliment to the biological parents who made those looks possible. An adoptive parent can have no share in such a commendation.

Is it appropriate, then, to say thank you? Or, should I behave in the manner of a disinterested bystander? "By golly, you're right!" seems even less appropriate than "thank you."

GENTLE READER: You will soon be responsible for your son's looks, in that as soon as he is able to understand what you are saying, he will look mighty embarrassed.

Weighing offhand compliments to make scrupulously sure that the credit goes where it is due is a tedious enough practice in itself, bound to alert people who are trying to be nice that it is not worth the effort.

It is more offensive when you consider foregoing ordinary maternal pride to maintain the point that your son is adopted. Strangers whose compliments do not provoke the customary response will simply conclude that you are rude, but your son will understand that you are distancing yourself from him.

For heaven's sake, just say "thank you." If someone happens to remark that you are looking good, do you feel obliged to defer to your ancestors?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one is arriving slightly late to a performance and is admitted during the overture, and then has to travel to seats in the center of a row, is it less rude to whisper apologies to each person one passes, which takes longer and makes more noise, or simply to move as quickly as possible to minimize the disruption and hope that one's body language conveys apology?

Also, because I was admitted at the rear doors and after the lights went down, I was granted my own light-wielding usher, who held his free arm out to me. I felt that I did, indeed, have some need for a guiding arm, so I took it -- whereupon he dropped my arm as if it were a wet codfish and seemed badly startled. Did I presume, or did he err?

I am, of course, aware that ideally one should not be late to the ballet. That is my new main goal in life.

GENTLE READER: And a noble goal it is, too. Should you falter, Miss Manners would suggest watching from the back of the theater until the overture is finished, as there is often a pause for latecomers.

This is for the sake not only of other patrons and your oddly flustered usher, but your own. As you should not whisper during the music and you should face away from those seated when passing them, Miss Manners cannot imagine what it would take to convey your apologies through body language in the dark. Ballet itself is a simple skill in comparison.

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