DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the past few decades, restaurants have become much less relaxing and enjoyable. The noise level in many high-end dining establishments has become painful and obnoxious.

Sometimes I have been unable to converse with the person at the table with me because I cannot hear him, and he is unable to hear me. I have a vocal cord abnormality that prevents me from talking loudly to compete with the unnerving background noise. Although I always request a “quiet table,” I don’t often get one, because they don’t seem to exist anymore.

My friends who have traveled to France recently report that in that country, restaurants are quiet, even when young children are dining with their parents -- except for the voices of tourists.

I think that many restaurateurs prefer a high decibel level in their establishments in order to create the illusion of energy, and to turn tables over quickly by having people like me leave fast.

Frequently the noise level is elevated by the “background” music, which is louder than I prefer, so that diners have to talk above the level of the music. Once, when I requested that a waitperson turn down the music, he said he was not authorized to do so!

Sometimes the noise is due to the construction of the restaurants themselves, with no soft walls, ceilings or floor coverings to absorb the sound of excruciating, screechy conversation. Sometimes, however, the noise is from a handful of inappropriate people who are screaming at their table.

I am not privy to the blood alcohol level of those people, but they ruin my dining experience and make me want to get carryout and entertain at my quiet home. Few high-end restaurants offer carryout service, however. How do you recommend that I handle this problem?

GENTLE READER: By patronizing restaurants that will tell you on request that they have a reasonable decibel level. There are such places, and although they are admittedly rare, you don’t have to go abroad to find them. But you may have to ask to go elsewhere to escape loud drunks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, bridal showers were theme-based. Now, they send a list of where the bride is registered. I thought this was reserved for the wedding gift.

When I choose a shower gift from this list, I pick a less expensive one, if possible, and later choose a pricier wedding gift. Some of the shower gifts are very expensive. Could these be combination shower/wedding gifts? I feel rather cheap at this point. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Stop feeling cheap. Registries aim to do that by taking away your judgment -- not only about what you want to buy, but also about how much you intend to spend. Those on the receiving end are not the most impartial judges of your abilities.

Miss Manners is aware that registries have enabled many brides to collect double wedding presents from the same people. However, you are not required to enable this practice. A shower is by nature an informal event, requiring only small presents -- preferably of the giver’s own choosing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine will soon be moving to Europe. She is unhappily anticipating all kinds of disparaging questions about American politics, having had these unpleasant exchanges when she lived in Europe before.

The questions typically run along the lines of “How can Americans vote for that candidate?” or “How can they support such a policy?” -- delivered in such a way as to imply that Americans are stupid or naive.

We were hoping you could suggest a way to respond to unkind opinions masquerading as curiosity, which would neither indicate that she agrees with the opinions nor open the subject to an unpleasant disagreement about politics.

GENTLE READER: Your relative should be studying the politics of the country in which she will be living. This is not only a responsible thing to do, but it will doubtless provide ample material for a more general discussion of controversial voters and politicians, on whom no country seems to have a monopoly.

This should turn the conversation into what Miss Manners would consider a not-unpleasant examination of political problems. But that requires others to speak realistically about their own issues. If they do not, but insist on bashing America, no American should accept that, any more than the bashers would accept insults to their country.

Politeness does not require accepting insults. To admonish them without creating a scene, she should say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. We Americans have our problems and our differences, as do all countries, but I’m proud of being an American.” A stiff delivery should at least lead them to backpedal and apologize.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was out with friends at a local brewery, and we engaged in a block-building parlor game. The game was progressing quite feverishly when another group next to our table started filming us on their phones.

We attempted to pretend they were not filming, but by the end of the game, 3 out of 4 of them were pointing their phones at us and commenting as they filmed. They engaged us in a brief conversation after our game was completed, and then we offered the game to them.

How do you politely ask someone not to film you, and how did these people not know it made us feel uncomfortable? We are in our 40s, and this group looked younger. Do younger people feel more comfortable being filmed?

I, like most of my friends, prefer anonymity, and felt it was a violation of my privacy. But I could not find the words to ask them not to film us -- especially while they were filming us. Nobody wants to go viral for being incendiary these days.

GENTLE READER: If that is what stops people from rude explosions, then public exposure is not all bad.

It puzzles Miss Manners that nastiness is the first defense that comes to people’s minds when the alternative is so simple. It is entirely possible that these people think everyone is flattered to be filmed.

The polite way to tell them to stop is to say, “Please stop filming us.” Should they persist, you should stop playing your game and either complain to management or simply move away.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever acceptable to ask your host if you may bring additional guests? Though this has happened in a variety of circumstances, the most common occurrence seems to be at children’s birthday parties: Parents I hardly know will ask me outright if they can bring their other children, when only the name of the child in my son’s class was on the invitation.

My husband and I are in disagreement on this topic. He thinks it isn’t a big deal; I feel that the invitee should reply with regrets, be honest about the reason (“I’m afraid I can’t find a sitter for Josh’s little brother,”) and wait for the host to offer. If no offer is forthcoming and it truly is a hardship, simply do not attend. What are your thoughts on this phenomenon?

GENTLE READER: That you are correct. Once that one little brother barges his way in, who knows how many more will follow -- and suddenly there is not enough supervision, and the clown is charging twice as much.

Miss Manners recommends that you emphasize the former argument, however -- even though the latter may well be your true grievance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor invited us over for a nightcap by text. She quickly discovered the text was sent to the wrong person, and reneged. We feel a little put out. How do we react when seeing her in the neighborhood?

GENTLE READER: By mistaking her for someone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a very close friend whose father has abused him, both physically and emotionally, for his entire life. Their relationship was strained at best, distant at worse, but the friend never cut off contact completely with his father.

I’ve been privy to a fairly detailed description of the abuse and, suffice to say, I am not remotely sorry my friend’s father has passed away, though I am sorry about the complicated feelings my friend must be having. Mostly, I wish he had been born to a man worthy of being his father.

I want to express my condolences to my friend, but the standard tropes seem insufficient, given the situation. How do you acknowledge loss when it’s the loss of a monster? I had planned on sending my friend a gift of some sort in lieu of sending flowers to the funeral, as I truly believe that his father’s departure from this world makes it a better place.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not demand that you lie about the merits of the deceased, but nor does it suggest that you celebrate it with presents. That seems a bit indecorous.

Instead, Miss Manners suggests that you express the sentiments to your friend that are simple and true: That you are sorry for his loss and hope to be available to him for any support he requires. You should, of course, omit the word “monster” or anything equally negative in your correspondence. Death has a way of ingratiating even the most monstrous toward their families ... once the offenders are safely passed on.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)