DEAR MISS MANNERS: I refuse to accept plastic items at gatherings, and do without if there is not another option. Finger foods on a paper napkin work very well, as gatherings that use plastic tend to be casual. I take paper goods as my contribution, so others have a choice, also.

This is done without getting on a soapbox or offending the host. This planet is drowning in plastic, and each person can make a difference, starting with their personal choices. If one can refuse to eat meat, one should also be able to refuse, tactfully, plastic.

GENTLE READER: Well, yes, but here on the ground (as opposed to up on the soapbox), the way to do that is not to draw attention to why -- or what -- one is refusing. Just as Miss Manners objects to the guest who explains in detail why she hates mushrooms, she believes that a guest with a preference for paper should confine her answer to a polite, enigmatic refusal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We all know that cutting in a line is rude. At grocery stores and banks, polite people are used to lining up nicely. Why then, when we are driving, do some people insist on cutting?

I’m referring to those times when a construction zone is ahead, and we are supposed to move into one lane. Most cars do, but a few will use the still-available free lane to zoom ahead and scoot in front of the polite (gullible?) drivers. As a result, the rest of us end up going even slower.

I have tried something that my husband claims is dangerous. Perhaps it is. But is it also rude?

There are only two lanes going in my direction. I see ahead a long line in one lane, and know that all traffic in the other lane will eventually have to merge. So I move into the free lane. But instead of zipping ahead, I stay slow, moving at the same speed as the rest of the traffic.

I’m not cutting, but I am keeping others from cutting in front of me. When I get to the very front, I then signal to merge in. I may have to wait a car or two, but I’m only back those few cars, instead of the many that would have cut.

Do I merely risk being shot at by an angry and rude driver, or am I also being impolite?

GENTLE READER: We all laugh dismissively when a character in a play or movie makes the most minimal change in appearance -- glasses, a hat or a cape -- and is no longer recognized by the other characters in the drama. But the joke is on us.

A driver can be seen and recognized. Miss Manners says this not to justify rude behavior on the road, but to agree with you how bizarre it is when otherwise polite and sweet-tempered individuals believe they can get away unidentified.

The underlying tenets of manners do not change on the highway, which means that while she agrees that it is rude to cut in line, it is also rude to provoke other drivers. While you could claim that your solution does not do that, we both know what is in your heart.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What has happened to the art of small talk? It is, or used to be, a style of conversation that exchanges small ideas and small questions, enabling people to know each other better. It should make a person more comfortable.

Starting with, “How do you know the host?” is a good idea. Asking “Do you work near here?” is less intrusive than “What do you do?” and lets the person tell as much as they want. If I have met the person before, I might ask, “Are you still working at ____?” In turn, the person would ask a question such as, “Are you still involved with your hobby?”

I was at a child’s birthday party where there were more adults than children. It was a small gathering, and I have known all the guests several years. I asked each person questions about their work, their family, hobbies, etc.

Everyone seemed comfortable giving me updates on their lives, but not one person asked me a single question. Not one person, not one question, though we did share stories related to the questions I asked. They all know I am involved with volunteering and what my hobbies are. They know me enough to ask me about my life. Except for two other adults, everyone there was a generation or two younger than me.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Am I being selfish? Am I expecting too much of the younger generation?

GENTLE READER: People who only talk about themselves are a bore in any generation. But as you had the next generation readily at hand, Miss Manners would have switched to engaging the children. This assumes they were young enough to learn that their elders may have interesting stories to tell -- and requires that you be interesting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a trained singer with many years of experience singing at weddings, as well as general performance. About a year ago, I helped someone who worked at my daughter’s school, who was in a bind because her singer had dropped out three weeks before the wedding. I offered to sing for her wedding, which she offered to pay me for, since I had to travel two hours.

I was invited to the reception, as well. I gave a card, but not a cash gift, and I feel that I offended by not doing so.

I am now singing for a much closer friend, who has invited me to the reception, as well. I plan to sing for free as a gift to her (and her parents), but since I am going to the reception, should I not also give a gift? I don’t want to end up feeling guilty again.

GENTLE READER: Putting aside the point that presents are not, strictly speaking, required, even of wedding guests (they are supposed to want to give), Miss Manners asks you to look into your soul -- if not your performance agreement -- to determine in what capacity you are attending.

Friends and family give presents; paid performers do not. Unfortunately, one can, as in your first example, be both, in which case a present is a kind gesture. She is, however, unconvinced by the argument that waiving your usual fee can serve as the gift: Nonprofessional friends may participate in the wedding as well, and their gift is no less valuable. Which is why many performers avoid singing at friends’ weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: To treat my chronic pain, my doctor has prescribed massage therapy once a week. The doctor’s office contains all the treatment rooms necessary, including a massage room.

On the bookshelf in this room is a small sign reading, “Tips accepted gratefully, but not required.”

Am I missing something here? When I was raised, back in the Pleistocene era, one did not tip medical personnel. Has this changed?

GENTLE READERS: What has changed is that solvent people now feel no shame about begging.

Miss Manners abhors the tipping system for many reasons, but acknowledges that it is necessary to supplement workers who do not otherwise earn the wages they deserve. Doctors are not normally perceived as suffering financially without extra largesse from their patients. Self-respecting practitioners do not solicit handouts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it is appropriate to record how much money each of your guests give you at your wedding, like a financial ledger.

Personally, I find this extremely tacky. Too much focus is placed on the monetary value, as opposed to the personal value behind the giver’s sacrifice.

This turned into a major blowout with my in-laws, when I said that it shouldn’t matter: $50 might seem like 50 cents to some, and vice versa; therefore, the actual dollar figure should be inconsequential.

Their answer was twofold: First, you need to record the amount each guest gave you so that YOU know how much to give when invited to THEIR kids’ weddings. And second, that Aunt So-and-So “deserves to have you know and remember” that she gave so many thousands, even if Aunt Somebody Else gave considerably less.

Please let me know if my heart is right in thinking that this puts terrible emphasis on the shallowest feature of gift-giving.

GENTLE READERS: Are you really wondering if it is vulgar of your relatives to keep track of your guests’ donor levels so that you can dole out thanks proportionately and plan to retaliate against those with moderate contributions?

Miss Manners begs you to resist this mean and greedy way of treating people to whom you are supposedly close. But no doubt, explaining this to your in-laws would be a waste of time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We want to visit some old friends, but we don’t want to inconvenience them at all. They are quite elderly, and she, in particular, is very formal. Although we have stayed at their home before, it was several years ago.

How do we invite ourselves to visit them? How far ahead of time should we call or write?

GENTLE READER: Long enough to give them time to plan, but not so long as to make it implausible if they say it is an inconvenient time.

But Miss Manners does not like that part about inviting yourselves. What you should do is to say that you hope to travel to see them, and let them add the part about staying. Or not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)