It started out innocently enough. A road-tripping couple stopped in Grosse Tete, Louisiana, on Sept. 18 to let their deaf pup relieve himself. As they stretched their legs, they wandered over to the Tiger Truck Stop petting zoo and an enclosure that's home to Caspar the Camel, and the man started throwing treats inside. But when their dog breached the fence to get at the treats, the woman, ignoring "No Trespassing" signs, followed. As she chased the dog, her husband shoved the camel and swatted him with his hat. That's when Caspar lost his cool, settling his 600-pound camel booty right on top of the woman; she told officers from the Iberville Parish Sheriff's Office that she did the only thing she could do: "I bit his balls to get him off of me." Deputy Louis Hamilton Jr. cited the couple for leash law violations and criminal trespassing, siding with Caspar: "The camel did nothing wrong," Hamilton told The Advocate. "The camel has never been aggressive." A veterinarian treated the camel with antibiotics after the incident. [The Advocate, 9/22/2019]

Can't Possibly Be True

A Trumbull County (Ohio) sheriff's deputy pulled over an Amish buggy on Donley Road early on the morning of Sept. 15 after the officer noticed a few oddities about the vehicle. For one, there were two Amish men inside who were drinking, and on the buggy's roof rode a 12-pack of beer. And, according to Fox 8, the old-fashioned conveyance sported an unlikely modern convenience: a stereo system with large speakers. As soon as the buggy came to a stop, the two men jumped out and escaped into heavy woods near the road. Meanwhile, the horse, trailing the buggy, took off. The officer was able to catch up with the horse and have the buggy towed; the drivers were still at large. The buggy "is a vehicle, it's on the roadway and the ... laws do apply," said Chief Deputy Joe Dragovich. "You're not allowed to drink and drive or operate a buggy." [Fox 8, 9/17/2019]

Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

-- The Tennessee Titans were all fired up for their NFL home opener on Sept. 15 at Nissan Stadium in Nashville. Accordingly, so was some of their pyrotechnic equipment -- which caught fire during player introductions, spreading flames and thick, black smoke near one end zone. According to Bleacher Report, no one was hurt, and flames were extinguished quickly. But the NFL, taking its usual proactive stance, placed a ban on "all flame effects and pyrotechnics used on its playing fields" until an investigation can be completed. [Bleacher Report, 9/20/2019]

-- Police arrived at the home of Vernelle Jackson, 83, in Norway, Maine, on Sept. 17, inquiring about the whereabouts of another unnamed woman in her 80s who had reportedly lived with Jackson. As police excavated the back yard and the story unfolded, Jackson admitted to authorities and WMTW News 8 that she was the one who buried the woman, about 18 months ago. "She begged me when she passed away that she didn't have enough insurance to bury her, and I don't have it. And she said, 'Will you promise me to bury me in your yard so I'll be close?' ... I finally agreed to do it to satisfy her," Jackson explained. "I put her in a tarp. I didn't carry her. I have COPD. I couldn't breathe that good." She was surprised to learn that she would have needed a permit to legally bury her friend in her yard, and she's still unclear whether she's in trouble with the law. The State Medical Examiner's office is working to ID the body and determine the cause of death. [WMTW, 9/18/2019]

Least Competent Criminals

Two football-crazed fans of Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes couldn't quite pull off a heist in Lawrence, Kansas, on Sept. 16. Pulling up to a McDonald's, the two ran inside, grabbed a life-size cardboard cutout of Mahomes and ran out, stuffing the promotional piece into their car. Lawrence Police spokesman Patrick Compton told the Lawrence Journal-World that as they received the call about the theft, they were working a car crash nearby -- in which one of the vehicles just happened to have a Mahomes cutout in the back seat. Officers questioned the suspects and ordered them to appear for alleged theft. Flat Pat was returned to the McDonald's. [Lawrence Journal-World, 9/18/2019]

Bright Idea

Paul Nixon, 51, is sought in Harris County, Texas, on charges of felony aggravated perjury after taking a novel approach to divorce. Nixon filed for divorce in February but forged his wife's signature and the name of a notary on the legal papers, the New York Post reported. A judge declared the divorce final in April -- but the wife didn't find out until May, when she noticed strange spending habits of his. "She started finding things showing that he was spending money on jewelry, so she confronted him and he told her that they were actually divorced," Constable Mark Herman said. "They are still married. The fraudulent divorce papers have been retracted." However, Nixon, who could face 10 years in prison, had so far eluded police. [New York Post, 9/18/2019]

Compelling Explanation

Kristine, 45, and Michael, 43, Barnett of Lafayette, Indiana, adopted a 6-year-old Ukrainian-born girl, Natalia Grace, with dwarfism in 2010. Nine years later, much to their confusion, they are charged with abandoning her. Within their first few weeks as a family, the Barnetts noticed that Natalia seemed to be older than they had been told, with a sophisticated vocabulary, pubic hair and menstrual periods. A doctor ordered bone density tests to check her age, and results suggested she was at least 14. So they began to treat her like a teenager. Then, the Barnetts claim, Natalia began making death threats against them. At a psychiatric hospital where she was treated, she told doctors she was much older and wanted to kill her family. "She was standing over people in the middle of the night. We had to hide all the sharp objects," Kristine Barnett told The Daily Mail. In 2012, they legally changed her age (from 8 to 22) and helped her get benefits so she could continue to receive psychiatric care, and in 2013, with Natalia living independently in an apartment, the Barnetts and their son moved to Canada. Soon after, they lost touch with the girl. But inexplicably, a second set of bone density tests, performed in 2010, surfaced, arguing that Natalia was at that time just 8 years old, and she told police herself in 2014 that she had been "left alone" when her parents moved to Canada. Michael and Kristine Barnett surrendered to the Tippecanoe County Sheriff's Department on Sept. 18 and 19, charged with abandonment of Natalia. [Daily Mail, 9/24/2019]

Wait, What?

Paramedics responded to a home in Detroit on the evening of Sept. 21 where a man was suffering from a heart attack. But as they worked on the victim, another man took a woman into a bedroom in the home and stabbed her. Then he ran out of the house and, according to Fox2, is still on the loose. The woman died at the scene, and the heart attack victim did not survive. Police are still trying to figure out the relationships between the three people. [Fox2, 9/23/2019]

Joshua Jack of Auckland, New Zealand, received an email from his bosses at an ad agency informing him that he was expected at a "redundancy meeting" to discuss his future at the company. Kindly, the New Zealand Herald reported, they suggested he was welcome to bring along a support person, such as a friend or family member. "Sensing the bad news, I decided I'd need the best support person available," Jack wrote on Facebook, "so I spent $200 ($127 U.S.) to hire a clown." As the co-workers discussed Jack's exit, the clown blew up balloons and folded them into animals. He mimed crying when Jack was handed his final paperwork. Jack said his bosses found the humor in the situation, and he has already landed another job. [NZ Herald, 9/13/2019]

News You Can Use

It's springtime in Australia, which means if you're headed outside down under, you'll want to carry a big stick with you. September and October are the height of magpie swooping season, when nesting magpies are known to attack walkers, runners and bike riders in defense of their young. While they're only 12 inches long or so, 7News reported, the black-and-white birds can cause a lot of pain with their sharp beaks. Last year, a toddler was nearly blinded, and this year a man who was attacked as he rode his bike veered off the path and crashed, later dying of head injuries. "They're never trying to hurt anyone or be malicious," ornithologist Gisela Kaplan said. "It's all about risk assessment." [7News, 8/26/2019]

The Dog Did It

Thomas Barnes, 58, got an unpleasant surprise in his bill from DirectTV in August after his dog, Marino, jumped up on Barnes' bed and pressed a remote button that mistakenly ordered pay-per-view from the Hustler channel. Barnes immediately called his service provider and explained the snafu, and he was assured that the charges would be removed. But the X-rated content remained, so after making a second call and getting no satisfaction, Barnes paid his next bill -- minus $70. Then his service was canceled altogether. Finally, Barnes complained to the Federal Communications Commission, which prompted a call from DirectTV, promising a credit on his next bill. "There's a problem when there's a mistake and you expect me to pay for the mistake," Barnes told the Raleigh News and Observer. [Raleigh News and Observer, 9/1/2019]

There's a Rule for Everything

Followers of Emily Post who are floundering with the rules for making toast ... er, getting toasted will want to pick up the new book from her great-great-granddaughter, Lizzie Post. According to The New York Times, "Higher Etiquette: A Guide to the World of Cannabis, From Dispensaries to Dinner Parties" offers tidbits of advice for a variety of situations, to wit: Don't eat all the munchies. Avoid words like "pothead" and "weed," which can have negative connotations. Tip your "budtender" well, as he or she probably makes minimum wage. "Etiquette," Post reminds us, "can be so easy." [New York Times, 7/8/2019]

Awesome!

Gerry Moore's goal with his latest project is "making people smile," and it's working. The Pensacola, Florida, man built a "boat car," a hybrid vehicle that looks like a boat on top but motors along the street on the chassis of a Ford Expedition. Moore's wife, Karen, said her husband completed the project in three days and made sure it was street legal before taking it out on the road. WEAR TV reported on Sept. 10 that the vehicle is a "permanent convertible," but Moore keeps a scuba mask and snorkel on board in case they get caught in the rain. [WEAR, 9/10/2019]

Seems Like a Theme

-- After Hurricane Dorian moved away from the U.S. southeast coast, a couple from Summerville, South Carolina, strolled out to Folly Beach to see what had washed up. Their efforts were rewarded when they stumbled on two cannonballs from the Civil War. "When we first found the one, my girlfriend thought it was a rock," Aaron Lattin said. "But when I started to dig around it, it was very round. ... We came back the next day and we found the larger cannonball tucked away in the brush, and that's when we contacted authorities." WCIV reported that after Hurricane Matthew in 2016, 16 cannonballs were found in that same spot. "The whole Charleston area is exactly where the Civil War began, so to find something causes you to look back and realize what a big part of history that was, it's very exciting," Lattin remarked. [WCIV, 9/10/2019]

-- Jeff Eastham, hired to remove a dead tree on a historic property in Independence, Missouri, in early September, was surprised when a small Civil War cannonball fell out of one of the branches. The property is the site of the Overfelt-Johnston house, which served as a hospital during the first Battle of Independence. Owner Randall Pratt told KMBC that it wasn't the first cannonball they'd found on the property: "When the property was restored in 1980, there was a cannonball that had been shot into the wall, just to the left of the upstairs window," Pratt said. In addition to the newest munition, a half-dozen old chains were found embedded in the tree. Pratt said he would keep the cannonball to display in the historic home. [KMBC, 9/12/2019]

Hair Fetish?

In the overnight hours of Sept. 17, thieves targeting Prime Trading Hair and Wigs in Miami Gardens, Florida, rammed the front door repeatedly and eventually made off with $70,000 to $80,000 worth of wigs, some worth as much as $800 apiece, reported WFOR. Business owner Rakib Hossain said the thieves "knew where the expensive products were, and they knew everything about the stock room." Thankfully, he was insured for his losses. In a strange twist, the burglary at Prime Trading follows a similar incident two weeks earlier, right across the street at Subi Training Inc., where criminals stole up to $100,000 worth of products including many wigs. [WFOR, 9/17/2019]

Chutzpah!

In their booking photos, Aaron Seth Thomas, 31, and Megan Lynn Mondanaro, 35, are both sporting sly little grins, and no wonder: After they were detained near midnight on Sept. 13 for drunk bicycling in Fernandina Beach, Florida, the couple passed the time in the back of the patrol car by stripping down and having sex. Nassau County Sheriff's deputies pulled Thomas, who was fully naked, out of the car, but he escaped, The Florida Times-Union reported. He was later found hiding behind an ice cream store nearby. The two were charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition, threats against public officials, attempted escape, resisting arrest with violence, exposing sexual organs and theft, along with DUI. [Florida Times-Union, 9/16/2019]

Extreme Measures

Twenty-two-year-old Erik Villasenor of Sylmar, California, REALLY didn't want to go to the Los Angeles County Fair on Sept. 15 with his parents. Evidently, his determination was great that he thought it was appropriate to send an email to fair staff around 2:45 p.m. on Sept. 13, with an alarming warning: "Hello, I was told that someone was planning on doing a mass shooting on Sunday at the fairgrounds. I just wanted to inform you guys already." Naturally, Fox News reported, Villasenor's email set off a chain of events involving the police department, FBI and anti-terror liaisons. Villasenor eventually admitted to authorities that it was a hoax and was arrested just a few hours later. [Fox News, 9/16/2019]

Oh, the Stupidity!

Tyler Uher -- whom Ohio University has explicitly confirmed is NOT a student at the institution -- suffered numerous injuries on Sept. 13, after he climbed an electric pole near the Athens, Ohio, campus to the cheers of a raucous crowd below. At the top, Uher, who had been drinking, grabbed a live wire, which sent sparks flying and set his hand on fire, reported the Daily Mail. He then lost his footing and fell to the ground, about 30 feet below. One witness was shaken: "I thought he was dead. There's no explanation for him living." His injuries included three broken leg bones, four breaks in his back, numerous burns and other fractures. Uher's sister, Danielle, started a GoFundMe page to help pay his medical bills, but some weren't having it: Comments included, "What in the name of God were you thinking?" Athens police said that Uher may be charged with criminal mischief. [Daily Mail, 9/16/2019]

Melinda Frye Toney, 44, of Oak Hill, West Virginia, was charged with wanton endangerment on Aug. 22 for brandishing a pistol in the parking lot of the New Life Apostolic Church on May 11. It seems Melinda, wife of Pastor Earl Toney, and Lori Haywood, 29, wife of Youth Pastor David Haywood, had an ongoing conflict, according to a police spokesman. Fayette County Sheriff's Detective Kevin Willis told the Register-Herald of Beckley, West Virginia, that the "straw that broke the camel's back" was an argument over a T-shirt Lori Haywood wore to a church event. The two couples met at the church that day to try to hash out the wives' differences, but, said Willis, "(I)t just made it worse, I think." Melinda Toney left the meeting and went to her car, where she retrieved her firearm. When Pastor Earl moved to stop his wife, the gun discharged. Det. Willis confirmed that Melinda Toney had a concealed weapon permit. [Register-Herald, 8/28/2019]

Serving the Public

The Sharonville, Ohio, police department found a way to turn a resident's misconceptions about marijuana laws in Hamilton County into a teaching moment on Sept. 3. The department posted on its Facebook page a recording of a call received on Aug. 25 from "Mr. Marilyn Manson," who complained that "two Sharonville cops ... stole my f-ing weed last night." The angry man insisted that anything "under 100 grams is cool, right?" but was, in fact, wrong. (It is legal to possess up to 100 grams of marijuana in the city of Cincinnati, but that law does not cover the entire county -- including Sharonville.) The officers who confiscated the weed were arresting the man's wife, whom he identified as Marilyn Manson during the call, when they found the contraband in her purse. In a second call to police, the caller also complained that the officers had taken his carryout order from Red Lobster. "It was a fresh meal of Cajun f-ing pasta!" he ranted. Fox19 reported that a police supervisor later met with the man to clarify the laws about marijuana and explain what had happened to his dinner. [Fox19, 9/7/2019]

Repeat Offender

Police in Wilton, Connecticut, told WVIT they scored a two-fer on Sept. 7, thanks to 64-year-old Ellen Needleman-O'Neill. The woman was arrested that afternoon after a caller alerted police of a driver who hit a parked car in a parking lot. Officers conducted field sobriety tests, which they said Needleman-O'Neill failed, and she was charged with operating a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, along with possession of a controlled substance (for the Tylenol 3 found in her bag). Police released her, but hours later she was seen driving away from a liquor store in her car. Officers stopped her again and found her to still be under the influence, they said. Police also said they learned Needleman-O'Neill didn't have a valid driver's license, hadn't registered her vehicle, and had lost her right to drive after the first offense earlier in the day. She was charged with additional crimes and is scheduled for two court appearances on Sept. 17. [WVIT, 9/9/2019]

Police Report

A Texas motorcyclist with the memorable nickname "Baby Jesus" taunted Blue Mound police on Aug. 10 as they tried to pull him over. Police posted dashcam video of Jesus Sebastian Gomez doing wheelies and standing on his motorcycle while weaving in and out of traffic, eventually getting away from officers. Fox News reported that witnesses viewing the video helped identify the rider, and police issued a statement urging Gomez to turn himself in. "(Y)ou need to come speak with us regarding this incident or we can come to you. (We could have a come to 'Baby Jesus' meeting)," they offered. Gomez surrendered to the Tarrant County Sheriff's Office on Sept. 4 and was charged with evading arrest. [Fox News, 9/6/2019]

What's in a Name?

Rep. Raul Ruiz, 47, a California Democrat representing the 36th Congressional District, may face an unusual opponent in the November 2020 election: GOP candidate Raul Ruiz, 57, a construction contractor. "I want to give the citizens another option," challenger Ruiz told Politico. "I'll say this. I had the name first." [Politico, 9/5/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

Gary Lambe, 54, made the job of the Toronto (Canada) Police Service easier on Aug. 23 when he allegedly made a photocopy of his face during a break-in at a commercial property there. Police said the suspect "ate some food items" and created the picture of his face -- which he left behind. Fox News reported that police eventually arrested Lambe, who was already in custody for an unrelated incident, and charged him with breaking and entering and failing to comply with probation. [Fox News, 9/9/2019]

Most Competent Criminal

Yusuke Taniguchi, 34, a shopping mall clerk in Koto City, Japan, was arrested earlier this year for using his superpower -- a photographic memory -- for apparent evil. According to police, Taniguchi was able to memorize more than 1,300 numbers from credit cards as people used them at his shop register, SoraNews reported. He admitted to investigators that he would remember the name, card number, expiration date and security code, then write the information down as the customer walked away, later using the accounts to make online purchases of items he would then sell. Police, who tracked him to his address by using orders for two expensive handbags, found a notebook with hundreds of accounts listed. [SoraNews, 9/7/2019]

Weird Science

-- In the southern Indian state of Andhra Pradesh, 74-year-old Mangayamma Yaramati gave birth to twin girls on Sept. 5. Yaramati and her 82-year-old husband had wanted children for years, but they had been unable to conceive. "We tried many times and saw numerous doctors," Yaramati said. "So this is the happiest time of my life." The Washington Post reported that Yaramati had already gone through menopause, so a donor's egg was fertilized with her husband's sperm, then implanted in her uterus. Her doctors, who claimed she is the oldest person in the world to give birth, delivered the twins via cesarean section. [Washington Post, 9/6/2019]

-- Residents of Kaysville, Utah, have reported two incidents when a drone has approached them, identified itself as belonging to the Kaysville Police Department and issued directions to them. On Sept. 8, a drone told people walking on the campus of Davis Technical College to evacuate, although it didn't specify why. Earlier, a couple walking their dog were followed by a drone that told them to take their dog inside, Kaysville police officer Alexis Benson told Fox 13. Benson said even if the department owned a drone (which it doesn't), it wouldn't use it to issue evacuations or make commands. She also warned that impersonating the police is a crime. [Fox 13, 9/9/2019]

Wait, What?

New for 2019, Mattel is releasing a Dia de los Muertos Barbie. That's right, Day of the Dead Barbie, celebrating the traditional Mexican holiday honoring ancestors. She arrives wearing a full-length embroidered dress and traditional skull-like face-painting representing the dead. Dia de los Muertos is celebrated from Oct. 31 through Nov. 2, and the doll's designer told ABC7 he wants to expand awareness about the holiday. [ABC7, 9/10/2019]

The Continuing Crisis

The SC-Club, a nightclub in Nantes, France, is celebrating its fifth anniversary with a new attraction -- robot pole dancers. The bots will wear high heels and sport a CCTV camera for a head, along with mannequin parts overlaid on their robot bodies, reported Sky News on Sept. 1. The camera/head is designed to "play with the notion of voyeurism," designer Giles Walker explained. Club owner Laurent Roue assured patrons the robots won't replace his 10 human dancers. [Sky News, 9/1/2019]

Bright Idea

The town of Porthcawl, Wales, is fighting back against the misuse of its public toilets by installing high-tech loos with water jets that will spray users who are smoking or taking drugs -- or having sex. Sky News reported on Aug. 17 that the new stalls will have weight-sensitive floors to make sure only one person is using the facilities at a time, and the walls will be graffiti-resistant. There will also be a time limit to discourage overnight campers. [Sky News, 8/17/2019]