Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was talking to a female friend of mine today after I played D&D with this other woman, and she made a comment along the lines of “Thanks for playing, you guys! Hope you don’t murder or rape me now that I know you!”

I thought this was just some weird and mildly inappropriate comment after a D&D game but I asked my friend if she was ever afraid that I, her boyfriend or any other man close to her would just snap and savagely murder her for no reason.

She responded by saying it’s a thought she has occasionally, less fear of being killed and more just fear of being attacked by those close to her. She thought it was a little irrational but only a little.

I know that women are most likely to be hurt or injured by men they know. Which makes me think if every interaction I have with female friends or partners carries an undertone of impending or threatened violence. I ABSOLUTELY do not want to be sending that message. Is this something I have any control over? Is this just how things are? How do I make the women in my life more comfortable around me and not worried I’ll snap and go apes--t on them?

Trying To Be The Safe One

DEAR TRYING TO BE THE SAFE ONE: I agree that it’s kind of a weird comment, but it sounds more like a bad joke than a real concern. It doesn’t sound like something that really needs to be taken seriously, especially in context. However, I will say that “dudes being f--kin’ freaks to women in their gaming group” is so common that it’s almost a trope. Lots of women in the TTRPG space have stories of guys �– and it’s pretty much always men – getting weird and creepy and pushing boundaries, in game and at the table, as players and as GMs. It’s one of the reasons why shows like Critical Role and Dimension 20 are a breath of fresh air, especially for a lot of their female fans.

Now, stepping away from the table and into the real world… yeah, women have reason to be cautions at times, even with guys they know. I’ve answered too many letters from women – and have others in the pipe – who were betrayed by guys they thought they could trust, in various ways. It’s absolutely awful that it’s a thing that many women have to keep in the back of their mind, and yet.

The extent to which women feel that caution or worry is obviously going to vary from person to person, as is who they do or don’t trust and to what degree. And as we’ve seen, there’re folks who other people would have sworn up and down are great and we then find out just how f--ked up things could get with them. That’s not something that you, both the generic you and you specifically, TTTBTSO, can control for.

What you can control is how you behave. Part of the way that you show that you’re safe and trustworthy is to be safe and trustworthy. Some of it is obvious, but some of it is simply recognizing that people are going to have different tolerances for different types of jokes and behaviors and to take that into consideration. One person’s wacky hijinks can be another person’s “this will make my skin crawl off my entire body” and yet another person’s “this is too close to some s--t that will make me have to leave or start screaming”.

There’re a lot of behaviors that can be innocent or well-intentioned from the person doing them, but can come off as scary or intimidating or just squicky to the person on the receiving end. Not letting go of a joke when it’s making the person squirm in a really-not-enjoying-it way, insistently talking about topics that veer too close to things that they don’t feel cool discussing unexpected yelling or angry outbursts, even standing in someone’s personal space when you don’t need to and they can’t get away, can all be triggers for folks. And like I said: it can vary from person to person.

One of the best things you can do to show that you’re trustworthy is very simple: listen when someone says “hey, this is making me uncomfortable” and change your behavior accordingly, even if you think that what you’re doing is perfectly fine. You may be cool with it, other people might be cool when it’s done to them, but this person, specifically, isn’t. You don’t need to do much besides just knocking it off without complaint or pushback. You say “oh, s--t, my bad,” you stop doing the thing that makes them uncomfortable, and you let the matter drop. Be mindful of people’s comfort and security, and help create an environment where people can feel equally comfortable and secure – where people can say when something is out of pocket without worrying that they’re going to be shut down for it, and where s--tty behavior isn’t tolerated.

In fact, let’s talk about one of the ways people can do that, using D&D and other RPGs as an example. One of the recent trends in the TTRPG space is “Session Zero”, where – among other things – GMs and players will talk about what is or isn’t cool in the game, what behavior is out of order – even if it’s “in character” – and what the players are or aren’t interested in experiencing or having as part of the story they’re collaborating on.

A lot of players, for example, may not want to deal with plotlines that involve sexual assault – whether of their characters or of NPCs. Others may not want to roleplay stories that where they might have to deal with direct threats their PCs’ families or loved ones (as opposed to “We need to stop Venger from freeing Tyranthraxus from his prison or the world will be destroyed.”) They may discuss whether or not they’re down with role-playing romance with other PCs or between PCs and NPCs, and under what circumstances.

There’re people in the TTRPG community who think that’s too “cute” or that takes away from the GM’s control or that this is somehow turning RPGs into excessively “safe” playgrounds. Leaving aside questions like “why do you think it’s important that an NPC be allowed to rape a PC or vice versa”, it also misses that the point of playing an RPG is to have fun with your friends, not to play Grimdark Trauma Simulator. If that’s the game that everyone wants to play, great… but it’s better knowing that going in, rather than having it drop on you out of the clear blue sky.

Having that Session Zero and laying out the ground rules of what is and isn’t out of bounds and what players can expect helps build an experience that everyone in the group is going to feel comfortable in and enjoy – something that’s harder to do when they can’t be sure that they won’t have “SURPRISE, THE DRAGON HOLDS YOU DOWN AND NOW ROLL TO PREVENT PREGNANCY” sprung on them.  ��(I wish that was something I made up off the top of my head and not something that happened to a friend of mine.)  

Yes, I know that’s not the same as ensuring that your female friends will know that you’re never going to throw them up against a wall or smack them across the face if “they get out of line”, but it is about demonstrating that you want a space where everyone feels comfortable and secure, which tends to speak more towards what they might expect from you than if you said “don’t worry, I’ll never raise my hand to you in anger.”

In fact, speaking of that, a thing I do want to bring up – since you seem to be having a rather strong reaction to this – is what not to do: don’t make this about you and your feelings of wanting to be known and acknowledged as One Of The Good Ones. Much as with people who insist on #NotAllMen, there’re dudes who will make a fuss about They’re Not Being A Creeper – often unprompted – and insist on other women reassuring them that no, no, they’re fine and not creepy at all. It functionally takes what should be a good thing – not wanting to make other people uncomfortable – but them making it all about themselves, while demanding that the person who they would never be creepy towards bend over backwards to manage the man’s feelings for them.

As one of my friends put it recently: “I do not want men to open with ‘I’d never hurt you btw’ when I’m sitting and thinking about cool manga.”��Now I realize that “demonstrate that you’re safe and trustworthy through your actions” isn’t necessarily the advice you were looking for, so I want to leave you with this: if you want to know how to behave in ways that make people feel safe around you? Ask yourself: What would Steve Rogers do?

Good luck.   

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I recently decided to make things official with a girl I first dated in the fall of 2023 but ended things with because it didn’t seem like we were right for each other. We had a lot in common as people, so we stayed in touch, but we both dated other people until almost exactly a year later, when coincidentally we both broke up with the people we were with. We met up again, things clicked and five months later we decided we should be exclusive.

The problem is that she will not let go of the fact that, in her mind, I ditched her for the woman I was dating for that year – even though she dated multiple other guys between then and when we got back in contact. She also obsesses over her idea that this woman was so much “hotter” than her, which isn’t even true. I’ve had many, many conversations with her and explained everything honestly. But it just won’t stop. I never know when I’m going to say or do something that in her mind will trigger an outburst about an ex who at this point has been out of the picture for half a year and who I definitely don’t miss or ever directly talk about. She’s even gone to therapy for the issue but it doesn’t seem to have helped her.

She’s a great person for me and our interactions are usually fantastic – except this problem keeps cropping up. What’s my move?

We Were On A Break

DEAR WE WERE ON A BREAK: You know, I get a lot of letters from people with what I call “the Sir Mix-A-Lot problem”  – “everything about our relationship is great…” and then someone calls 1-900-Mix-A-Lot because there’s a big ol’ BUT heading straight for them.

Most of the time, I hear from women who have these relationships, so it’s a little perversely refreshing to have it coming from a man.

I’ll be honest, WWOAB, I wish you mentioned what the circumstances of your breakup were beyond “we didn’t seem right for each other” – whether the breakup was mutual or not, who initiated it and so on. This isn’t going to be relevant to who’s in the right or who’s justified here, so much as how it may give a little insight to where your girlfriend’s head is at.

It’s certainly possible that, if you were the one who initiated the conversation and were also the one to date someone else first after you two broke up, that she feels slighted or that the speed with which you met this person is sus. It also sounds like this was the only person you dated between breaking up and getting back together, while she at least went on dates with other guys in the interim.  From that perspective, I could see how your being with one person for the span of a year seems like a more “serious” connection (in as much as a short-term relationship like that can be serious), while she didn’t find something comparable. She may feel threatened because you had a “stronger” connection with someone, or that there’s some inherent imbalance in what happened during your time apart. Hell, maybe she feels like this is somehow unfair, like you should have had to struggle to find someone but didn’t, while she was supposed to find the hot hot hook-up for her relationship rumspringa.

The only person who really knows what’s going on in her head is your girlfriend, so she’s the only one who can really explain what the issue is here. So you’re going to have to ask her what the deal is… assuming she knows or can put it into words. What ultimately matters isn’t what her grievance is and more how she’s handling it. Specifically, how this has become a weapon that she keeps using against you. This isn’t a rational issue. This is entirely about her and her feelings, her insecurities, and her sense of grievance over the relationship. It’s very much a her problem, but she’s trying to make it a you problem.

Much like taking back a partner who cheated, if she isn’t willing to forgive (in as much as there is anything to forgive) and move on, then she needs to say so and to walk away. It is fundamentally unfair of her to keep making this an issue with you when there seems to be no real way to resolve it. No amount of disclaiming the relationship with this other woman seems to satisfy her, no amount of reassurance is apparently enough to convince her that no, you don’t want to be with this other person. She seems to think more about your ex in the span since you’ve gotten back together than you did the entire time you were with her.

It especially doesn’t help that you’re basically stuck tip-toing through a minefield, never knowing when – not if, when – you’re going to stumble over yet another landmine that you have no reasonable or realistic way of knowing is even there. This sort of behavior is relationship poison; it’s impossible to have a secure and stable connection when some stray word, gesture or, I dunno, facial expression is going to set her off. This is a toxic dynamic under the best of circumstances, and it veers too far to an abusive tactic for my comfort, if I’m going to be honest. I don’t think she’s intending it to be a way of controlling you or keeping you off balance, but it sure as hell is having that effect.

Like I said: at the end of the day, this is a her problem, not a you problem, and she’s the one who’s making it the problem. If this is going to be a constant stone in her shoe, then she’s going to have to be the one to deal with it. Especially since apparently there’s nothing you can do, short of collecting the Infinity Stones and Thanos-snapping that timeline out of existence.

If talking to her therapist isn’t helping, then either she needs a different therapist or she needs to take a different approach. Maybe she’s not admitting to herself where this insecurity is coming from. I dunno. But you need to put down a boundary and say “Look, I’ve said all I’ve had to say on this. We’ve talked this to death and nothing’s changed and there doesn’t seem to be any way for me to reassure you, so I’m done talking about it. You need to find some way to deal with this because it never ends, it’s driving a wedge between us, and if you can’t find some way to move past it, we’re going to have to end this.”

And then you’re going to have to stick to that. You can’t lay down an ultimatum like that if you’re just bluffing; otherwise, all you’ve done is let her know that all your boundaries are just strongly worded suggestions.

Yeah, I know this sounds harsh. But sometimes folks need to get a bucket of cold water splashed in their face to make them realize what they’re about to do. If she’s not going to find some way of getting over something that didn’t involve her, wasn’t about her, happened after you two were no longer dating and has been over for nearly as long as it had gone on? Then there’s no point in continuing this relationship.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently read your article on knowing what you want from relationships and I feel like I have a related problem that I could use your input on. Put simply, I (32 M) have a track record of leaving relationships at the wrong time. Most of the time, I end up staying in relationships for longer than I should, often when I probably should have left weeks or months ago. But at the same time, when I’m aware of this, I end up jumping ship when things are actually ok.  I probably should have stayed and made it work, but by the time I realize it, she’s already moved on to someone else and doesn’t want to give me a second chance. Sometimes I’m overlooking what are obvious red flags in retrospect and other times I think that things are ok but not great and THAT is a problem and I only realize that I was really happy after they’re gone. 

I realize that it’s me, I’m the problem, and I keep responding to whatever my last relationship was like instead of the one that I’m in. But I swear that every time I think I’m making the rational, informed choice. I’m not breaking up with people for weird little ticks or defects and I’m pretty sure I’m not staying in them because I’m afraid to be alone. Though my friends would say that maybe I am because I don’t stay single for very long unless I want to. 

I don’t know, Doc.  My friends are getting sick of me constantly asking them to take the temperature of my relationships and I’d like to feel a little more secure in my choices, but I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. Do you have any tips for actually being sure whether I should listen to my gut, or if I should ignore it?

One Foot Out The Door

DEAR ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR: OFOTD, I’m going to be real with you. Usually, I’ve got a good nose for fake letters, but this is one where I am legitimately unsure if you’re being serious with me or if you’re just feeding me ideas you came up with after binging Seinfeld episodes on Netflix.

I mean, God knows I know some people whose relationships have more drama than the Globe Theater but once the obvious answer is a George Costanza-esque “listen to whatever your instincts say and then do the opposite”, I end up wondering how someone like that manages to find people to date for longer than two weeks.

But OK, skepticism over, let’s actually address this, because fake or not, there’s actually something important here. One of the things I tell people all the time is to pay attention to their Spidey-sense; if your Spidey-sense is tingling and telling you that something’s wrong, that’s usually a sign. But trusting your gut or intuition or whatever you want to call it is predicated on whether your gut is actually trustworthy. And there are a lot of times when it actually isn’t.

People with avoidant or anxious attachment styles, for example, tend to run from relationships that are actually good and healthy because they have a hard time being vulnerable, trusting their partner or getting comfortable with emotional intimacy. People who are some form of neurodivergent and who have the rejection-sensitive dysphoria combo platter are often hyper-vigilant and on the look-out for signs that they’re about to get rejected; their Spidey-sense is keyed so absurdly high that almost anything trips it and they live in a regular panic that they’re about to be dumped.

And then there’re times when folks will stay in a relationship long past its expiration date – or when the parade of red flags has marched by again – because they’re afraid of being single or alone or starting over, or because they think that’s just how relationships are. And even if they do know, they may not have the guts to actually pull the trigger themselves to end it and are hoping that either things will get bad enough to force the issue, or the other person will do it for them.

I mean, God knows back in my bad old days, I stayed in a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship for years past when I should have left. Even when I realized that no, I needed to bounce, I still couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it, until life interceded and forced my hand on the matter.

(For the record, I strongly recommend against this approach.)

You don’t mention whether you’re in therapy or not, so I would suggest that maybe you should talk to a counselor, possibly with an eye towards understanding your attachment style. But it’s also possible that this is really a case of never actually interrogating the relationship that you’re in at the time and trying to figure out whether it’s working for them or not. Sometimes it’s a matter of being “go with the flow” to an absurd degree. Other times, it’s a case of being a “golden retriever” who’s all in immediately with minimal consideration and not willing to really look at whether this person is a good fit for you or not. But other times, it can be a case of not wanting to look too closely because you know there’s something not working, but you don’t want to actually know. After all, if you don’t know there’s something wrong, it’s not actually wrong… right?

So, in the name of working on calibrating your Spidey-sense and actually giving yourself a baseline to work from, I have some questions that you should ask yourself when you’re not sure whether it’s time to go, whether there’re some issues that maybe you and your sweetie could work on together, or whether the anxiety weasels in your brain are making s--t up out of nothing.

To start with: do you feel like you have a solid handle on what this relationship actually is? Are you sure that’s what your partner thinks it is? Do you think this is a relationship that’s leading to a long-term commitment or is it short term, whether by design or by necessity? I’ve seen people in relationships who have very different ideas about the nature of their relationship, where one thinks that they’ve been committed and monogamous since date three and the other thinks it’s completely casual because they’ve never had the DTR talk… or they’ve been dodging the DTR talk like Elon trying to avoid his various baby-mamas.

There’s also a lot of overlap with people who don’t want to ask or draw attention to the nature of their relationships because they know deep down that they aren’t going to like the answer. A lot of people in “situationships” are in them because they know if they try to put their foot down and say “what’s it going to be?”, that’s going to be the end of the relationship and they don’t want to face that. So they don’t… and then usually get dumped anyway when the other person’s done having fun and games.

The next question you want to ask is: how do you feel about the ratio of effort to reward? Does it feel like the level of effort you’re putting in is being matched by your partner? Is what you’re giving being balanced by what you get to a degree that you feel satisfied and that your partner feels satisfied? A seeming imbalance isn’t necessarily a bad thing; a relationship where you can’t believe what you’re getting compared to what you’re giving, where you feel unbelievably lucky to be with them and you’re punching above your weight-class can be a very good one. Especially if that feeling is mutual.

(By the same token, if they feel the same – that you’re incredibly lucky that they are with you – that’s a bad sign, and a good reason to get the f--k out so fast you pass into the Speed Force and retroactively erase the relationship from existence.)

How is your communication? Do you feel like you’re heard and understood by your partner? Do you feel like you understand your partner when they communicate with you? Or does it seem like the two of you are speaking different languages, talking past each other and spending more time trying to clarify what you said or saying “that’s not what I meant?”

How do you feel when you’re with them? Do you feel like you’re valued and respected, like your needs are being met? For that matter, how do you feel when you’re not with them or after you’ve left for a bit? Do you feel relieved when you know you’re not going to see them for a few days? This is different from appreciating some “me” time or needing your space. Knowing and enjoying your time apart is not the same thing as that feeling of relief, like a meeting you dreaded has been canceled.

At the same time, do you feel like you can be your true and authentic self with them, or do you feel like there’re aspects of yourself that you have to hide away or pretend that they don’t exist? I don’t mean flaws that you’re trying to work on or parts of yourself that you don’t like, but feeling like you have to pretend like you don’t have certain needs or wants or interests because your partner thinks they’re dumb, pointless or immature? Do they insist that you give up things that bring you joy, comfort or stability because they think you shouldn’t want them or have them or that grown-ass adults “don’t do that”?

Next question: every relationship has problems, but do you feel like the problems in your relationship are occasional and specific, or are they recurring and part of a pattern? Do old issues get resolved, or do they stick around while new ones get added to the pile?

Last and possibly most important question: are you still in this relationship because you want to be, because you’re afraid of being alone again, or because it’s easier to go with inertia than it is to actually risk change or having to start over?

You may notice that these aren’t binary or “yes/no” questions. Relationships can be complex and nuanced, like the people in them, and a strict “you want this many yes’ vs. this many nos’” isn’t always helpful. By digging into these questions – and the questions that those answers may bring up – you can start getting a better handle on whether this is a relationship that’s going well, one that might need a tune-up and maintenance check, or one where it’s time to bail. Preferably before it all goes haywire, messily and all over the place.

Good luck.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com