Kelly McGraw, 37, of Portsmouth, England, and her husband, James, 40, have enjoyed playing pranks on each other throughout their 24-year marriage. But before Christmas, as James was plotting a way to get back at Kelly for a "dodgy" haircut she'd given him, he came up with a gloriously permanent idea: He had his thigh tattooed with a less-than-flattering photo of Kelly, asleep on a plane with her mouth gaping open, as James mocked her behind her head. "I'm one up at the moment," James told the Sun, "but I'm also scared because I don't know what she's now planning." Kelly was unforgiving: "I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. ... We do mess about anyway, but this is on another level. ... He needs to watch his back." [The Sun, 12/25/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- A romney ewe living on a farm near Auckland, New Zealand, is getting some relief from an unusual problem, thanks to a clever veterinarian and a brassiere meant for humans. Rose the sheep had suffered damage to her udders when she produced a high volume of milk during her pregnancy with triplets. "When this happens," Dr. Sarah Clews told Stuff, "the udder can hang so low that it can be traumatized on the ground." The condition can sometimes be a cause for euthanasia, but Dr. Clews thought a bra might help lift the udders and allow them to heal. Rose's owners eventually located a 24J maternity bra big enough to do the job, and it worked -- after two or three weeks of wearing the bra, Rose's udders recovered enough that surgery was no longer needed. [Stuff, 12/27/2019]

-- Justin and Nissa-Lynn Parson of McKinney, Texas, were all in when their son Cayden, 12, asked for a magnifying glass for Christmas. "We thought, 'Oh, he wants to magnify something'" to read, Nissa-Lynn told KDFW. Instead, Cayden and his brother, Ashton, used the glass to light a newspaper on fire on the family's front porch, which soon spread to the yard, eventually destroying the lawn and some of the family's Christmas lights. "We ran inside and started screaming," Cayden said. The family doused the fire with "pitchers of water, blankets smothering it, sprinklers turned on, hose turned on," Nissa-Lynn recounted, adding that now Cayden "will definitely have yard work to do once spring comes." [KDFW, 12/29/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

In Jefferson County, Colorado, would-be car thief Todd Sheldon, 36, has finally admitted it's just not the vocation for him, according to police. Fox News reported Sheldon had tried over recent weeks to steal multiple vehicles, according to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office, but each time he was caught in the act -- first by a homeowner, then by sheriff's deputies minutes later "just down the street," shocking the deputies by telling them, "I'm trying to steal this truck." He was taken into custody and bonded out, but a week later, deputies responding to a report of someone trying to break into a car again found Sheldon. "I really suck at this," Sheldon allegedly told an officer. Sheldon remained in jail as of Dec. 27. [Fox News, 12/30/2019]

Bah, Humbug!

Poppy Leigh, 13, of Manchester, England, hoped wrapping her waist-length hair around an empty plastic water bottle and decorating it with lights like a Christmas tree atop her head would bring good cheer to her mates and teachers at Manchester Health Academy on Dec. 20. Instead, school authorities told her she had to either take the decorations off or go home. Her mom, Christie, wasn't happy about it: "It's just a bit of fun and Christmas cheer," she told Metro News. But Principal Kevin Green huffed: "The Academy has the highest of expectations around uniform and teaching and learning, and ... whilst it was a remarkably creative hairstyle, it was, unfortunately, inappropriate for school." [Metro News, 12/20/2019]

Oops!

-- As she enjoyed an Aldi mince pie in early December, caterer Angela McGill, 52, of Glasgow, Scotland, thought one bite seemed particularly "rough and really hard -- I thought it was a tough piece of pastry!" she told Metro News. Instead, McGill soon realized she had swallowed her partial dentures with two false teeth. Hospital X-rays confirmed the dentures were caught halfway down her throat, but the staff advised her pulling them out would only cause more harm. It took 72 hours for the plate to pass. "It was ever so funny!" she said. "And I was really enjoying the mince pie, too." [Metro News, 12/8/2019]

-- Sandra Smith, 59, of St. Petersburg, Florida, was cited for careless driving on Dec. 29, after crashing her 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass into a mausoleum at the Memorial Park Funeral Home and Cemetery, damaging the facades of three above-ground graves, WFLA reported. Florida Highway Patrol troopers said Smith was driving in a grass lot at the cemetery when she "failed to avoid a mausoleum on the property." Her passenger, 63-year-old Betty Strickland, went to the hospital with critical injuries. [WFLA, 12/30/2019]

Precocious

The newest tattoo artist in the Haji Lane area of Singapore is Lilith Siow, 12. She learned the art from her father, Joseph, who has operated a tattoo business for 20 years, reported Asia One on Dec. 30. In the past year, Lilith has tattooed at least a dozen customers, although she admitted that she was nervous at first, taking 90 minutes to complete her first. "I was afraid at the beginning. ... Once a tattoo sets, it is forever," she said. As her confidence grows, so does her advocacy for the art: She disagrees that people with tattoos are "bad people." [Asia One, 12/30/2019]

Animal Shenanigans

Police in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, were called Dec. 27 to the parking lot of a CVS pharmacy over a "public menace," according to WKYT. The culprit was a "hostile chicken" that "pecked viciously" at the officers and "made some adept use of vehicles for cover" before they were able to corral it in a plastic milk crate, according to the police department's Facebook page. Officers transferred the foul fowl to "someone who can give him more suitable accommodations," then attended to their wounds with "some doughnut therapy." [WKYT, 12/28/2019]

Sour Grapes

Japanese YouTuber Marina Fujiwara has harnessed the pain she feels when she sees couples basking in their love at the holidays and developed a sort of schadenfreudean device: a light that turns on whenever anyone breaks up on social media. Oddity Central reported on Dec. 27 that Fujiwara's device is connected to the internet through a "bridge" and is set to light up whenever a breakup status is posted on Twitter. "I want to celebrate Christmas," she said. "But when you see a couple in the world going on a Christmas date and doing something like that, I am attacked by a huge sense of loneliness." While her machine is not available commercially, Fujiwara says it's easy enough to set one up for yourself. (Check her YouTube channel for directions.) [Oddity Central, 12/27/2019]

Dreams Do Come True

Joan, 89, and her friend Pauline, 84, had their wishes fulfilled in early December after asking administrators at the Glastonbury Court care home in Bury St. Edmunds, England, for an attractive man with a "large chest and big biceps" to visit. Sure enough, a male stripper dressed as a fireman arrived at the home to entertain the ladies, waving his belt around his head as he danced for them. "I wish he could visit us every day!" gushed Joan to the Daily Mail. "He made me feel like I was young again." Joan made her request through the home's wishing tree initiative, which others have used to ask for things like a shopping trip or a day at the beach. "This isn't the typical kind of visitor we have," said home manager Sharlene Van Tonder, "but based on the response, he was one of the most popular." [Daily Mail, 12/12/2019]

Asparagus is healthy and delicious. But for 63-year-old Jemima Packington of Bath, England, the columnar vegetable is much more: Packington is an asparamancer, a person who can foretell the future by tossing the spears into the air and seeing how they land. "When I cast the asparagus, it creates patterns, and it is the patterns I interpret," Packington said. "I am usually about 75 to 90 percent accurate." In fact, out of 13 predictions she made for 2018, 10 of them came true. What's in store for 2019? Packington tells Metro News that England's women's soccer team will win the World Cup; "A Star Is Born" will win an Oscar; and fears over Brexit will be largely unfounded. Oh, and asparagus will see an all-time high in sales. [Metro News, 12/31/2018]

People With Issues

KION TV reported on Jan. 7 that a Salinas, California, family's Ring doorbell camera captured video of a man licking the doorbell for more than three hours. The homeowners were out of town during the encounter, which took place around 5 a.m., but their children were inside. Sylvia Dungan, who was alerted to the activity at her front door on her phone, said, "I thought, boy there's a lot of traffic. ... Who the heck is that?" Salinas police identified the man as Roberto Daniel Arroyo, 33. Arroyo also relieved himself in the front yard and visited a neighbor's house. "You kind of laugh about it afterwards because technically he didn't do anything," Dungan said, although police later charged him with petty theft and prowling. [KION, 1/8/2019]

Blame It on the Meth

Debra Lynn Johnson, 69, of Searles, Minnesota, suffered from heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and mental illnesses, according to the Mankato Free Press, and was a patient at a transitional care center before her husband took her home to have a "death party," he later told authorities. Brown County sheriff's officers responding to a 911 call from Duane Arden Johnson, 58, on Jan. 24 found the words "Death Parde God Hell" spray-painted on the front door. Duane came out of the house naked, yelled that his wife was dead and ran back inside, where officers found him in the bathtub picking "things" from his skin. Debra's body, still warm, was wrapped in a sheet. Duane told police his wife had begged him to take her home to die, so they had staged the party, "rocking out" to Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" and taking methamphetamines. After her death, Duane said he washed and wrapped her "like the Bible told me to do." Police found stolen guns and hundreds of rounds of ammunition in the home, and Duane was charged with felony counts of theft and receiving stolen property. [Mankato Free Press, 1/26/2019]

Inexplicable

-- Sharisha Morrison of Albuquerque, New Mexico, and her neighbors have been the recipients since Jan. 1 of an odd gift: plastic grocery bags with slices of bread and bologna inside, delivered by an unknown man. At first, Morrison told KOB TV, she thought the food deliveries were acts of kindness, until she opened the bag and smelled the contents. "It smelled like urine," she said. Morrison said she can watch the man on her surveillance camera. "He'll just walk up and drop it on the little doorknob and walk away," she said. "I just want it to stop." Police have told her they can't do anything unless they catch him in the act. [KOB TV, 1/29/2019]

-- Zack Pinsent, 25, from Brighton, England, hasn't dressed in modern clothing since he was 14 years old. Instead, he makes and wears clothes that were popular in the 1800s. "At 14, I made the symbolic decision to burn my only pair of jeans in a bonfire. It was a real turning point," Pinsent told Metro News. On a typical day, Pinsent wears a floral waistcoat and knee-high leather riding boots, along with a jacket with tails and a top hat. He explains that his obsession started when his family found a box of his great-grandfather's suits. He now researches, designs and sews clothing for himself and other history buffs, to great response: "I've been all over the world and people are inquisitive and appreciative," he said. [Metro News, 6/27/2019]

Ewwwww!

Silence of the Lambs, indeed. A Manchester, England, woman named Joan has a unique project in mind for a custom clothing designer. Joan, 55, is anticipating having her leg amputated because of peripheral arterial disease, reported the Daily Mail, so she posted on Sewport.com, requesting help to "create something beautiful and useful" -- a handbag, using her own skin. She has budgeted about $3,900 for the project, which she envisions as a "medium-sized handbag with a short strap and a section down the middle that will be made from my skin," she explained in the post. "I know it's a bit odd and gross ... but it's my leg, and I can't bear the thought of it being left to rot somewhere." There are no laws against her keeping the limb, although there is paperwork to fill out. Boris Hodakel, the founder of Sewport.com, reports that no designers have come forward yet to help with Joan's request. [Daily Mail, 2/20/2019]

Dumb and Dumber

Rogers, Arkansas, neighbors Charles Eugene Ferris, 50, and Christopher Hicks, 36, were hanging out on Ferris' back porch on March 31, drinking and enjoying the spring air. Ferris was wearing his bulletproof vest -- because why not? -- and invited Hicks to shoot him with a .22-caliber semi-automatic rifle. KFSM reported the vest blocked the bullet from striking Ferris, but it still hurt and left a red mark on his upper chest. Next, Hicks donned the vest and Ferris "unloaded the clip into Christopher's back," according to the police report, also leaving bruises. That's where it all would have ended had Ferris not gone to the hospital, where staff alerted the Benton County Sheriff's Office. Ferris initially told officers an elaborate story about being shot while protecting "an asset" in a dramatic gunfight, but Ferris' wife spilled the beans about the back-porch challenge. Both men were arrested for suspicion of aggravated assault. [KFSM, 4/2/2019]

The High Price of Vanity

A "vampire facial" is a procedure during which blood is drawn with a needle and then "spun" to separate the plasma, which is then injected into the face. For customers of a spa in Albuquerque, New Mexico, though, the most lasting effects may come after a blood test. The state's Department of Health is urging customers of VIP Spa, which closed in September 2018, to undergo HIV testing after two people were infected following treatment there. Dr. Dean Bair of the Bair Medical Spa said people should always make sure they're going to a licensed facility for such procedures. "This is just the worst example of what can go wrong," he told KOAT. The spa closed after inspectors found its practices could potentially spread blood-borne infections, including hepatitis B and C as well as HIV. [KOAT, 4/30/2019]

Free Speech

TSA agents at Juneau International Airport logged unexpected cargo on April 15 when a "large organic mass" was spotted in a traveler's carry-on bag. TSA spokesperson Lisa Farbstein explained to KTOO that such a flag can indicate the presence of explosives. However, when agents opened the bag, they found a plastic grocery bag full of moose "nuggets." "The passenger told the TSA officers that he collects this and likes to present it 'for politicians and their (bleep) policies,'" Farbstein explained. The passenger was not detained and was allowed to continue on with his bag of moose poop. Later that day, the Anchorage Daily News reported that a man was seen at the state capitol, handing out baggies of moose nuggets in protest of Gov. Mike Dunleavy's proposed budget. [KTOO, 4/26/2019]

It's Come to This

The Pokemon Co. has made Japanese brides' dreams come true with its announcement that it is collaborating with a wedding planner to offer sanctioned ceremonies with its characters in attendance, dressed as a bride and groom. Yes, Pikachu will stand up with you and your betrothed (as long as you go to Japan to tie the knot), and the icing on the cake is Pokemon-themed food items and a Pikachu cake topper. Finally, United Press International reports, for your scrapbook, you'll have a marriage certificate decorated with Pokemon imagery -- surely an item you'll want to preserve in a licensed Pokemon photo frame. [UPI, 5/30/2019]

WJAR reported that an unnamed substitute teacher was fired on Dec. 16 for smoking marijuana in a classroom at North Attleborough High School in North Attleborough, Massachusetts. Peter Haviland, principal at the school, said students reported the incident and the teacher was removed from the school premises. Haviland also said the teacher not only used the drug, but led a discussion in class about marijuana. Campuses in the district are drug-free. Well, they were. [WJAR, 12/17/2019]

Update

Last year during the holiday season, former NASA engineer Mark Rober of Santa Clarita, California, created a glitter bomb exploding package in response to having a package stolen from his front porch. This year, Rober has a new and improved version: When it is touched, the BBC reported on Dec. 17, the box explodes in glitter and emits an unpleasant odor along with a soundtrack of police chatter. As a coup de grace, it also takes a video of the thief and uploads it to the cloud. One of the sponsors for Rober's project is "Home Alone" actor Macaulay Culkin. Rober calls it a labor of love: "I have literally spent the last 10 months designing, building and testing a new and improved design for 2019," he said. [BBC, 12/17/2019]

Family Values

It may not be the oldest fruitcake still (mostly) uneaten, but it could be the most beloved. The Detroit News reported that the Ford family of Tecumseh, Michigan, has been cherishing Fidelia Ford's fruitcake since 1878 -- over five generations. Julie Ruttinger, great-great-granddaughter to Fidelia, inherited the confection from her father, Morgan Ford, who kept it in an antique glass compote dish in his china cabinet until his death in 2013. It doesn't much look, or smell, like a fruitcake anymore ("Smells like old people," Morgan once said), but Ruttinger is determined to keep Fidelia's legacy alive. Each year, Fidelia made a cake that was meant to age until the next Christmas season. But in 1878, she died before her cake could be enjoyed. When Morgan was buried, the family tucked a piece of the cake into his jacket pocket. "He took care of it to the day he left the Earth," Ruttinger said. "We knew it meant a lot to him." [Detroit News, 12/13/2019]

Irony

Two workers with the Chicago Park District were spreading salt on an icy lakefront bike path on Dec. 11 when their pickup truck hit a slick spot and slipped into Lake Michigan, the Associated Press reported. It was halfway into the water before it got stuck on a breakwall. The workers were able to escape the truck and move to the shore uninjured. Park District spokesperson Michelle Lemons reminded Chicago residents that the path slopes toward the water and lake levels are high. "It might not look like it's dangerous, but it could still be a sheet of glass," she said. [Associated Press, 12/11/2019]

No Good Deed

Virginia Saavedra, 37, ran to a home in Sophia, North Carolina, on Dec. 11, telling the resident she had just escaped being kidnapped by a stranger. When the man let her sit in his truck to warm up while he called 911, Saavedra allegedly stole the truck, according to the Randolph County Sheriff's Office. Officers responding to the 911 call spotted the truck and engaged in a 26-mile high-speed chase before trapping the truck. The Associated Press reported Saavedra then rammed a patrol car before trying to flee on foot. She was eventually charged with more than a dozen crimes, including felony assault with a deadly weapon on a government official. [Associated Press, 12/13/2019]

Bright Idea

Around 7:30 a.m. on Dec. 18, an unnamed 17-year-old girl jumped a fence at Fresno Yosemite International Airport in Fresno, California, and climbed into the cockpit of a private airplane parked there. She put the pilot's headset on and was able to start one of the engines of the small plane, but instead of flying away, she steered the plane into a chain-link fence, causing substantial damage to the aircraft, the Fresno Bee reported. Airport officials said she appeared disoriented when officers reached the plane, but no others were endangered in the incident. She was booked into juvenile hall on charges of theft of an aircraft. [Fresno Bee, 12/18/2019]

Government in Action

A sharp-eyed Twitter user spotted an unexpected country on the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Agricultural Tariff Tracker list: Wakanda. The fictional country from the "Black Panther" film made the list of free trade agreement partners. USDA spokesperson Mike Illenberg told NBC News on Dec. 18 the agency had used Wakanda to test the tracking system and had forgotten to remove it from the list. "The Wakanda information should have been removed after testing and has now been taken down." [NBC News, 12/18/2019]

Compelling Explanation

Police in Tooele, Utah, conducting a welfare check on 75-year-old Jeanne Souron-Mathers on Nov. 22, found the woman dead of natural causes in her apartment, but as they searched further, they came upon the body of her husband, Paul Edward Mathers, in a freezer chest. With his body was a notarized letter, signed by Mathers and dated Dec. 2, 2008, stating that his wife didn't kill him. "We believe he had a terminal illness," police Sgt. Jeremy Hansen told Fox13. Paul was last seen alive on Feb. 4, 2009, at a doctor's appointment at the Veterans Affairs hospital. Investigators are probing whether the couple made the plan so that Jeanne would continue to receive her husband's government benefits. A neighbor, Evan Kline, said: "The story ... was her husband walked out on her. ... It was probably the plan for her to keep the money because it was her only source of income." Officials believe she received at least $177,000 in benefits over 10 years. [Fox13, 12/16/2019]

Oops

A driver in Halifax, West Yorkshire, England, caused an "enormous bang," according to witnesses, on Dec. 14 when he lighted a cigarette in his closed car after spraying air freshener. Nearby buildings shook from the impact, and the car's windshield was blown out, along with windows of nearby businesses, the Manchester Evening News reported. The driver sustained only minor injuries. West Yorkshire Police said the situation could have been worse and implored people to open their windows when using aerosol cans and open flames.

Holiday Shenanigans

-- A group of Santas participating in SantaCon -- a bar-hopping tradition in New York City -- brought muscle along with Christmas cheer to a Long Island Railroad train on Dec. 14. According to the New York Daily News, two men were fighting on the train around 6 p.m. when one of them, a 45-year-old, stabbed the other, 22, in the leg. Neither of the men was dressed as Santa, but the Santas on the train subdued the suspect until the train reached Queens. The victim was taken to a hospital, and the MTA arrested the stabber. [NY Daily News, 12/14/2019]

-- Security officers at Vilnius Airport in Lithuania got in the holiday spirit with confiscated items seized during the screening process, reported United Press International on Dec. 12. Apparently having a lot of time on their hands, the officers built a Christmas tree using items such as scissors, knives, lighters and other goods. Lithuanian Airports called the tree an "educational masterpiece" and warned: "If you don't want your personal, yet prohibited, belongings to land on our next year's Christmas tree -- better check out the baggage requirements before you pack for your next flight." [UPI, 12/12/2019]