Enric Girona recently donated his prototype pet commode to the town of El Vendrell, Spain, hoping to spark worldwide interest. Conscientious owners would train their dogs on the station -- a hole in the ground with a flush handle -- which is connected to the sewer system, as is the drain grid next to it (for tinkling). The platform, which appears to occupy about 20 square feet of surface, is self- cleaning (although not too clean, said Girona, because dogs are more easily lured with a lingering scent). Spain is already one of the world's toughest on lazy owners who fail to scoop up after their pets, with fines in El Vendrell as high as the equivalent of $1,000, and in Madrid and Barcelona, $2,000. [The Guardian (London), 7-2-2014]

-- The New York customer service company United Health Programs of America provoked a federal lawsuit in June by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over its employee esprit-de-corps policy of requiring workers to pray to God on the job and to say "I love you" to their managers. According to the EEOC, the feel-good, work-harder campaign was suggested by an aunt of United's owner and named for an obscure "truth and compassion" movement called "Onionhead." [Reuters, 6-11-2014]

-- After two third-graders wet their pants on May 15 at Mill Plain Elementary School in Vancouver, Wash., they blamed teachers for too-strictly enforcing their classroom's "rewards" system, in which good behavior earns students points redeemable for, among other prizes, restroom breaks. A teachers union investigation concluded that the girls were never "denied" toilet access (but the girls' mothers pointed out that using restroom breaks as a "reward" might be confusing to 8-year-olds). [Columbian (Vancouver), 5-22-2014]

-- The Japanese snack company Calbee recently staged a promotion around popular singer Nana Mizuki, giving away 10 backstage passes to her Aug. 3 concert in Yokohama to the purchasers of 10 lucky bags of secretly marked potato chips. Her perhaps-hugest fan, Kazuki Fukumoto, 25, was so determined to win one that by the time he was arrested for littering in May, he had bought and dumped 89 cartons of potato chip packages, weighing over 400 pounds, that were found at six locations around the cities of Kobe and Akashi. Police estimate he had spent the equivalent of about $3,000. [Mainichi News via Kotaku.com, 6-10-2014]

-- Took It Way Too Far: Britain's news website Metro.co.uk, combing Facebook pages, located a full photo array from prominent 23-year-old German body art enthusiast Joel Miggler, whose various piercings and implants are impressive enough, but whose centerpieces are the portholes in each cheek that expose the insides of his mouth. (With customized plugs, he can seal the portholes when soup is on the menu.) The holes are currently 36mm wide, but he was said to be actively cheek-stretching, aiming for 40mm. Miggler assures fans that his mother likes "most" of his modifications and that the worst aspect so far is merely that he is forced to take smaller bites when eating. (News of the Weird has reported on researchers creating portholes in cows' stomachs, but still ...) [Metro, 5-21-2014]

(1) Until the New York governor and legislature addressed the problem recently, it was legal in the state for narcissistic animal owners to force their dogs and cats to endure permanent, decorative tattoos and piercings. At press time, Gov. Andrew Cuomo was poised to sign legislation abolishing the tattooing. (2) Kayla Oxenham, 23, was arrested in Port Charlotte, Florida, in June and charged with using a stick to burn "brands" into the skin of her two children, ages 5 and 7. Among her explanations to police: so she could identify them as being hers and because she "forgot how much she loved fire." [NPR, 6-19-2014] [WZVN-TV (Fort Myers), 6-18-2014]

-- A Davenport, Iowa, jury convicted terminal-cancer patient Benton Mackenzie, 48, in July on four marijuana-growing felonies, even though his purpose was to harvest cannabis oil to treat his bloody lesions and the grapefruit-sized tumor on his buttocks. The judge had barred Mackenzie and his lawyer from even mentioning the illness in court -- because of a 2005 Iowa precedent (even though the Iowa legislature has subsequently allowed medical marijuana to treat seizures). Mackenzie's wife, his 73-year-old parents, his son and a friend were also charged with assisting Mackenzie's "operation" (though Mackenzie was almost surely the only "customer"). Mackenzie, who testified and was, of course, sworn to tell "the whole truth," said he was "flabbergasted" to learn that "the whole truth" excludes anything about his illness. [Des Moines Register, 7-10-2014; Quad City Times, 5-30-2014]

-- Municipal engineers in the town of Melton Mowbray, England, were called out in June to fix a lingering sewer overrun caused by, they discovered, "hundreds" of tennis balls that had apparently each been flushed down toilets. Said the project manager, "We expect (blockages from) fats and baby wipes, but...." [BBC News, 7-3-2014]

-- A 60-year-old man with a blood clot has recovered, but no thanks to the driver for the South Western Ambulance Service who was ferrying him on a long trip to the emergency room of Derriford Hospital in Plymouth, England, on April 6. The patient's family later reported that the driver had stopped en route to pick up two hitchhikers -- one a young woman in a "skimpy skirt" -- and take them to an on-the-way town. The patient, in pain with his toes starting to blacken, eventually had his blood flow restored and did not lose the leg. He reported that the two riders were friendly and wanted to chat about his condition (though he was in no mood). [Western Morning News, 6-12-2014]

-- The American Red Cross boasts of being "transparent and accountable" for the way it spends donations from compassionate people moved to help those in need. However, when the public policy watchdog ProPublica asked for some details on how the Red Cross used funds donated for 2012 Hurricane Sandy victims in New York, the organization begged off, claiming that details beyond broad generalities were "trade secrets" that it was entitled to protect, lest its "competitors" copy or exploit the techniques it uses to help people. (The Red Cross did release more detailed accounts to the attorney general of New York, but under an agreement of confidentiality.) [ProPublica.org, 6-26-2014]

When last we encountered Briton David Truscott (2011), he was being jailed again as a serial trespasser with an unquenchable desire to sneak onto farms and pleasure himself while rolling around, nude, in manure pits -- especially the farm of Clive Roth near Redruth, England. Truscott apparently emerged from prison unrepentant and was back in trouble in May with another manure pit incident, but this time accompanied by threats to harm Roth and his family and to burn down his farm buildings. (During the most recent incarceration, Truscott had received mental health treatment that allowed him actually to act out in a manure pit, and officials believe he took a turn for the worse when that treatment was curtailed.) [Exeter Express and Echo (Sowton, England), 5-30-2014]

Recurring Theme: Police in Delray Beach, Florida, barely broke a sweat in July arresting Perry Martin, 55, two days after he burglarized cars, since the crime was caught on the resident's security camera, and the perp was wearing his company work shirt. An officer showed the video to the I Got Wood LLC flooring company's owner, who quickly identified Martin. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 7-3-2014]

The October (2009) "Miss Asia" beauty pageant in Hong Kong mostly followed a traditional script, but special bonus competitions were added, according to a report in The Straits Times. Contestants appeared behind boards with only certain body parts exposed so that judges could comment publicly without knowing which woman they were evaluating. Breast- and waist-judging turned out well for each of the three finalists, but the winner emerged only after the judges had harsh words for the hair of the other two. Wang Zhi Fei and Wang Chen learned the hard way about, respectively, their "lots of dandruff and oily scalp" and significant "signs of hair loss." [The New Paper-The Straits Times (Singapore), 11-12-09]

Thanks This Week to Kev of arbroath.blogspot.com, and Perry Levin, and Thanks to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Bob McCabe, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Sandy Pearlman, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Peter Smagorinsky, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).

Prominent theoretical chemist David Glowacki was ejected from a classical music concert at England's Bristol Old Vic in June for disrupting a performance of Handel's "Messiah" by attempting to crowd-surf in front of the stage. Dr. Glowacki, an expert in non-equilibrium molecular reaction dynamics and who is presently a visiting scientist at Stanford University, was attending a special "informal" performance at which audience members were encouraged to stand and cheer loudly instead of showing the usual demure appreciation. He said afterward that he could not control himself when the performance moved to the "Hallelujah Chorus." [Irish Independent, 6-20-2014]

-- A formal-dress rental store in Fukui, Japan, with a side business making keepsake portraits of client brides, was surprised at the number of men who began requesting a similar service -- to be outfitted just like the women, in wedding gowns and other frills. In fact, just as women expect full makeup and hairstyling for their portraits, so, too, do the men. The store, Marry Mariee, charges the equivalent of about $400 ($600 on weekends). Said the manager, "We want to provide opportunities for people to enjoy showing their real selves, whether they are men or women." [Kyodo News via Bangkok Post, 4-25-2014]

-- Paid time off of work for women experiencing brutal menstrual periods is not yet guaranteed in U.S. law, but it is a staple of workplace rights in Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and Indonesia, according to a May report by The Atlantic (although in Indonesia, women report that some employers require on-the-scene "proof" of condition; Japan's policy has been in place for over 60 years). However, concluded The Atlantic, the policies are based less on rights of workers than on "the scientifically dubious notion" that stressing females during menses will result in difficult future childbirths. [The Atlantic, 5-16-2014]

-- Parental fear of having raised girls and boys who will never marry, plus China's boy-heavy gender imbalance, have provoked the government to fund a series of matchmaking conventions to create opportunities and incentives for matrimony. However, because of widespread disinterest by singles, many of the attendees at the recent Shanghai Matchmaking Expo were parents touting their kids' credentials to other unmarrieds. A dispatch from Vice.com reported "notice boards" full of cards (resembling baseball trading cards) and makeshift posters attached to umbrellas, reciting age, education and salary. Success of the expos was hard to predict, wrote Vice, because (as is so often the case with social mixers) many singles passed the time in silence, and many desirable candidates were no-shows. [Vice.com, 6-5-2014]

-- Perspective: San Francisco's activist Board of Supervisors, among the boldest in the country to rid their cities of obnoxious goods and services, added disposable plastic water bottles to the list in March (to join circumcision, plastic shopping bags and nutrition- challenged "Happy Meals" that contain toys). The water bottle vote was unanimous (covering distribution on city-controlled property), compared to the cliff-hanging 2012 vote (6-5), in which the board finally decided to ban unclothed people from the streets (mostly men, of course), where until then some freely wandered downtown sidewalks stark naked. [San Jose Mercury News, 3-5-2014]

-- Jordan Haskins, 24, is Michigan Republicans' best hope for the open state House seat in Saginaw in November, but he is burdened by a teenage past of being "young and stupid," he told the Saginaw News in June. Haskins has been in prisons in two states (and is still on parole) stemming from trespassing and breaking-and-entering charges yearly from 2006 to 2011 -- most involving vehicles he used for sex (by himself). (He admits to "cranking," in which he would remove spark plug wires and try to start the car, pleasuring himself while watching the sparks and listening to the noise.) "I was in a messed-up state of mind, mentally and emotionally," he said, but now is proud of the man he has become. "You may not respect my policies (or) my ideas, but you at least have to respect me as a person." [Saginaw News, 6-27-2014]

-- Inexplicable: Congressional candidate Tim Murray handily lost June's primary election (82 percent to 5 percent) in Oklahoma's 3rd District to incumbent U.S. Rep. Frank Lucas, but he did not give up. In a rambling letter to KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City, Murray accused "Lucas" of being a body-double for Lucas, since it is "widely known" that the "real" Frank Lucas was executed by order of the World Court in southern Ukraine in January 2011. Lucas, asked for a comment, told the station, "It does come as kind of a shock to read that (I'm) not (me)." [KFOR-TV, 6-26-2014]

-- The county Association of Governments in Phoenix notified Diane "DD" Barker recently that she could continue to address association meetings as a community activist, but was to cease introducing her remarks by performing cartwheels, as she apparently has done several times in the past. Barker, a 65-year-old former Ohio State University cheerleader, said she seeks to demonstrate the value of exercise and public transportation, but agreed to hold off on the cartwheels. [KPHO-TV (Phoenix), 6-18-2014]

-- Officials at a town meeting in Oxford, Massachusetts, on May 7 were considering whether the municipality should take back its water system from the current owner, Aquarion, when suddenly a fire alarm sounded, resulting in a delay that eventually worked to Aquarion's benefit. Later that month, Oxford police charged William Malloy Jr., 57, with pulling the false alarm. Malloy is a lobbyist for Aquarion, and a Worcester Telegram & Gazette report of the meeting suggests that causing the meeting to run into the early hours of May 8 helped Aquarion garner the necessary votes to prevent the buyback. [Worcester Telegram & Gazette, 5-29-2014]

The leader of Romania's Orthodox church was shown in June on the church's website performing a traditional blessing of a newly inaugurated facility, in this case the church-owned Trinitas Radio and Television studios. The rooms are big and the walls are tall, and Patriarch Daniel is pictured applying holy oil to the facilities with a long-armed commercial paint roller. [BBC News, 6-17-2014]

In a May deposition on a priest-child sex abuse lawsuit against the Catholic Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, then-auxiliary bishop Robert Carlson said he was "not sure" in 1984 whether he "knew it was a crime or not" for an adult to engage in sex with a child. (Carlson added, reassuringly, "I understand today it's a crime." Carlson today is the archbishop of St. Louis.) Lawyers for the plaintiffs quickly questioned Carlson's candor, pointing to other 1984-era documents in which Carlson referred to the statute of limitations for legal protection (suggesting he at least suspected that adult-child sex was illegal). [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 6-10-2014]

Recently charged with indecent exposure: (1) Fredrick Davis, 49, reported at Toronto's Agincourt Library in June allegedly using one hand to masturbate while pointedly holding a cucumber in the other. (2) Lonnie Hutton, 49, allegedly pulled down his pants at the Boro Bar and Grill in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, in May and "attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM." (3) Dr. Jeffrey Frank, 53, a prominent University of Chicago neurologist, was arrested recently (for the fourth time on similar charges) when he allegedly pleasured himself while standing at a hotel room window. (4) David Foskette, 24, allegedly was masturbating while driving in view of other motorists (though he claimed merely that he was scratching his itchy "manzilian" wax job). [Toronto Sun, 6-4-2014] [WATE-TV (Knoxville), 5-19-2014] [Chicago Tribune, 5-21-2014] [KCPQ-TV (Seattle), 5-23-2014]

(1) In yet another bizarre animal beauty contest, in June, the tiny serama chicken pageant was celebrated on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Seramas (which are thought by natives to have aphrodisiac powers) have richly colored plumage and a bearing -- protruding, heart-shaped chest, wings hanging to the ground -- more resembling a goose-stepping soldier than a bird, reported Agence France-Presse. (2) The most recent public toilet explosion (caused by pressure buildup) leveled a commode in the courthouse in Stillwater County, Montana, in June. The deputy county treasurer, Norma Brewer, who had just finished her business, was not injured, but now has another page for her memoirs. [Agence France-Presse via Asiaone.com (Singapore), 6-21-2014] [Billings Gazette, 6-25-2014]

Thanks This Week to Alex Boese, Denise Sanabria, Lance Ellisor, Tracy Westen, John Keller, and Steve Dunn, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo has a huge, 350-student "viticulture and enology" program, preparing its majors for an industry critical to the state's economy (and with a venerable international cachet) -- but puritanical state law continues to hobble it. Many in Cal Poly's four-year wine-making program must arrange for a fifth year -- after they turn 21 -- because, otherwise, faculty and administrators could be felons for "furnishing alcohol to a minor" when they assign students to taste their own class creations. The current California legislative session is considering allowing underage wine-making students to sip and spit. [San Luis Obispo Tribune, 6-20-2014] [Arizona Capitol Times, 6-2-2014] [Arizona Republic, 6-17-2014]

-- On dairy farms across the country, cows bizarrely queue up, without prodding, to milk themselves by submitting to $250,000 robots that have recently become the salvation of the industry. According to an April New York Times report, this advance appears to be "win-win" (except for migrant laborers watching choice jobs disappear) -- more efficient for the farmer and more pleasant for the cow, which -- constantly pregnant -- usually prefers frequent milking. Amazingly, cows have learned the drill, moseying up to the precise spot to engage the robot's arms for washing and nipple-cupping. The robots also yield copious data tracked from transponders worn around the cow's neck. [New York Times, 4-22-2014]

-- Argentinian agricultural scientists in 2008 created the "methane backpack" to collect the emissions of grazing cows (with a tube from the cow's rumen to the inflatable bag) in order to see how much of the world's greenhouse-gas problem was created by livestock. Having discovered that figure (it's 25-30 percent), the country's National Institute of Agricultural Technology announced recently that it will start storing the collected methane to convert it to energy. In a "proof of concept" hypothesis, it estimates that about 300 liters of methane could power a refrigerator for 24 hours. [Fast Company, 4-15-2014]

-- Bioengineers who work with Dictyostelium slime molds held the "Dicty World Race" in Boston in May for a $5,000 prize and intellectual adulation in August at the Annual International Dictyostelium Conference in Potsdam, Germany. The molds oozed down the 800-micrometer (0.0315 inches) track, lured to the finish line by ordinary bacteria that the molds normally enjoy. A team from the Netherlands beat out 19 others for the coveted prize. (Among the other "games" scientists play, mentioned in the same Nature.com story is the "Prisoners' Smellemma," in which players mix obscure samples in a test tube and smell the result to guess what their opponent used.) [Nature.com, 5-7-2014]

-- Artist Diemut Strebe offered his 3-D-printed re-creation of the famous ear of Vincent van Gogh for display in June and July in a museum in Karlsruhe, Germany -- having built it partially with genes from a great-great-grand-nephew of van Gogh -- and in the same shape, based on computer imaging technology. (Van Gogh reputedly cut off the ear himself, in 1888, during a psychotic episode.) Visitors can also speak into the ear and listen to sounds it receives. [Wall Street Journal, 6-4-2014]

-- Researchers from the Polish Academy of Sciences, writing recently in the journal Zoo Biology, reported witnessing 28 acts of fellatio by two orphaned male bears at a sanctuary in Kuterevo, Croatia -- the first-ever report of bear fellatio and the payoff from 116 hours of scientific observation over a six-year period. In each case, the researchers wrote, the older male was the receiver, and the researchers speculated that the episodes were less sexual in nature than a reflection of the bears' "early deprivation of maternal suckling." [LiveScience.com, 6-17-2014]

(1) A black-and-white housecat, Lenny, was turned back to a shelter near Rochester, New York, in April, only two days after adoption because the new owner could not tolerate Lenny's flatulence. (A braver second adopter, even though "warned," has taken Lenny in successfully.) (2) When three parrots were stolen from a home in Saxilby, England, in June, the owner provided police with their descriptions, even though all three are African greys, quite talkative and look very much alike. One of the three, however, has asthma and is easily recognized by his chronic cough. (3) Miles Jelfs of Bristol, England, was seeking financial help in April to cover surgery for his hard-luck tortoise, Cedric, whose prolapsed penis (likely from a mating mishap) constantly drags on the ground, partially erect. [Democrat & Chronicle (Rochester), 4-9-2014] [BBC News, 6-8-2014] [Daily Mail (London), 4-18-2014]

Paul Stenstrom, 62, lived comfortably in his Palm Harbor, Florida, home from 2002-2014 without paying a penny of his $1,836 monthly mortgage bill, exploiting federal bankruptcy law that forces foreclosing creditors to back off once a debtor files for protection. Stenstrom and his wife filed 18 separate petitions in that 12-year period, according to an April Tampa Bay Times report, until a judge recently cut them off. The Stenstroms were spotted recently preparing to relocate -- but Stenstrom said he was considering buying the Palm Harbor house back (since the price has dropped because of the foreclosure). [Tampa Bay Times, 4-12-2014]

-- Several "professional organizers" in New York City told a New York Post reporter in May that this summer is far busier than in years past for clients who need help packing their kids' trunks for summer camp. One consultant, who charges $250 an hour, said it is as if moms fear that the slightest change from home life will stress out their little darlings. Some mothers' attention to details include packing the same luxury bedding the campers sleep on at home, along with their special soap and candles and even separate plastic boxes to provide the cuties more storage space. [New York Post, 5-23-2014]

-- First-World Sales Launches: (1) Daneson (an Ontario "purveyor of fine toothpicks") recently introduced $35.99 "Artisanal Toothpicks" (that's per dozen, in "Single Malt" and other exotic flavors) for the discriminating dental raker. The lemon-flavored picks are a bargain at only $19.99, yet are made from the same "finest quality Northern White Birch," "prepared according to exacting recipes." (2) The Skin By Molly salon in Brooklyn (and by now, perhaps, competitors) offers "facials" for the derriere (occasioned by a recent social-media fascination with "bum selfies.") Molly's is the "Shiney Hiney Facial" ($65 for a 30-minute treatment), important because, she says, "Acne can flare up anywhere." [Gothamist, 5-22-2014] [Huffington Post UK, 5-23-2014]

(1) A "stocky" man in his 30s wearing a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap was sought in New York City in June after holding up five banks in the space of about three and a half hours but earning a total of only $449 (still, an average of $128 an hour). (Actually, $399 came from one Chase branch and $50 from another; three banks had shooed him away empty-handed.) (2) Notorious San Diego tagger Francisco Canseco, 18, was present in a downtown courtroom in June for a hearing on 31 misdemeanor paint-vandalism charges and apparently could not contain his boredom. While waiting (as officials discovered only the next day), Canseco managed to tag numerous chairs in the courtroom, along with benches in the hallway. (Vandalism of a courthouse is a felony.) [New York Daily News, 6-17-2014] [San Diego Union-Tribune, 6-17-2014]

It turns out (contrary to a report in News of the Weird on April 20th) that Dayton, Ohio, transit driver Rickey Wagoner was not saved by the religious book in his pocket that absorbed a bullet from an attack by "three black teenagers." After a thorough investigation, the Dayton police chief told reporters in June that Wagoner's allegations were "unfounded" and "fabricated." The chief reported that Wagoner was under financial stress at the time but declined to speculate further, though he did reassure the community that no such attackers were being sought. [Dayton Daily News, 6-20-2014]

Plant City (Florida) High School near Tampa announced that its 2014 valedictorian, Ms. Dhara Patel, had graduated with a grade-point average of 10.03. She not only vanquished the students who had fought for the formerly coveted 4.0, but she aced her heavy load of the ultra-competitive "advanced placement" courses for extra credit. [WTVT (Tampa), 5-13-2014]

Thanks This Week to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisers.