Q: For the past week, our 3-year-old daughter says she sees a "scary man" in her room. My husband and I have done everything we know to calm her fears. I've been sleeping with her in a different room for several days now. I know this is a temporary situation, but what do you suggest we do?

Juli: It's pretty common for children between 2 and 4 to experience intense fears. As a child enters the preschool years, her brain develops the ability to think beyond the concrete. In other words, she can imagine things that she can't see, feel or touch. While this new ability opens the door for imaginative play and role playing, it also means that your daughter can imagine things that are scary and potentially harmful.

Most parents in this situation will try to accommodate their children's fears by sleeping with them, or as you tried, switching bedrooms. This strategy often backfires because it reinforces the child's fear. At some level, the accommodation validates that there might be something scary in her room. It also rewards the fearful behavior with extra attention.

While your daughter is able to imagine a scary man in her room, she can also imagine superheroes or angels watching over her. When my boys were scared, I asked them to picture angels watching over them and think about what their names might be. This channeled the power of their imagination into something positive.

Additionally, I recommend transitional objects. These are items, like a special stuffed animal or blanket, that help children feel comforted when they're not with their parents. Consistent bedtime rituals like reading a book, prayer, cuddling or soothing music also help children relax at bedtime.

You're right that this is temporary problem. However, be consistent and confident as you address this because bedtime battles usually persist throughout childhood, just taking different forms.

Q: My husband doesn't think our 4-year-old daughter needs to say "Yes, sir" and "No, ma'am." He never talks that way either, but I was raised in a family where having good manners was very important. What do you think?

Jim: Good manners are certainly important. Public Agenda conducted a survey in which nearly eight in 10 respondents said that lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and six in 10 said the problem is getting worse. Respondents also blamed parents for not instilling courtesy in their children, and popular culture for encouraging rude behavior. Clearly, parents need to impress the importance of courtesy upon their kids. As the father of two rambunctious boys, I know that can sometimes be a challenge!

When it comes to specific phrases such as "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," the lines seem a little less clear. Those terms were obviously a very important part of your own upbringing. I know people from Southern states who still use them extensively, while folks from other parts of the country don't use them at all. Are the non-Southerners rude? No, they just express courtesy in different ways. The underlying principles of "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," for kids at least, seem to be "respect for authority" and "deference to those who are older than you are." I would suggest, though, that it's possible to teach your kids those principles without insisting that they use "ma'am" and "sir" in every instance.

You and your husband might work together to devise a list of the good manners you hope to cultivate in your kids. Then, decide whether those manners need to be tied to specific words or customs, or if they're simply guiding principles for good behavior.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: I recently heard one of your programs about why moms should stay home with their kids. You made me feel like a horrible mom for working when I have a 22-month-old daughter at home. I understood what you were trying to say -- and why my situation is not ideal, but we don't have a choice. I'd love to stay home but our modest income requires that both my husband and I work. I'm lucky that we have affordable day care and a job that provides me with a car. Still, every day I leave my child at home, it kills me. And your program only made me feel more guilty.

Juli: I not only understand your situation, I've been there. When my first son was born, I had to work. Every day I left him with a heavy heart and a lot of guilt. One day, I had the radio on driving to work and, like you, heard a radio broadcast that brought me to tears and piled on the guilt for leaving my son.

Most moms will work at some point during motherhood and deal with the resulting guilt. While we generally encourage moms to be home with their young children, it isn't always possible.

You should only feel guilty if you're doing something wrong. Don't let our radio broadcast, your friends or your neighbors be the barometer of your guilt. That decision is strictly between you and your husband. Only you know all of the factors involved.

If you're longing to be home with your daughter, it is a worthy goal to work toward. Some families have managed to make lifestyle changes to be able to survive on one income. In the meantime, do your best with the time you have with your daughter, making certain that she is in good hands when you can't be there.

Q: My wife is overwhelmed. Our two preschool sons require constant attention, while the housework and other responsibilities pile up. How can I help her?

Jim: You've probably seen studies that calculate what the average mom would make if she were paid for her various roles as housekeeper, day care operator, psychologist and so on. A 2007 study by Salary.com put the figure at $138,095 a year!

My wife, Jean, has been in your wife's shoes. Even though our boys are in school now, between the trips back and forth and the extracurricular activities and the numerous other responsibilities on her plate, she barely has time to catch her breath.

Not to oversimplify the issue, but you might want to start by praising your wife for the contributions she's already making in your home. Be sure to cut her some slack when the house is messy and dinner is late -- she's likely had a busier day than you have! And although it's tough after a long day at the office, you might ask if there are some household duties she'd like you to handle. But be sure to talk it over with her first. In my experience, if you just come home and start doing chores that your wife sees as her responsibility, it's likely your good intentions will be received in a negative light.

When your boys are grown, they won't remember whether the house was clean, but they will remember quality time with their mom during the day (and with you, too, when you're home). Being a mom isn't easy. A six-figure paycheck doesn't even begin to put a price on a mother's value. It's critical that husbands like you and I give them all the love and support we possibly can.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Every year, my husband and I have the same argument about how to spend Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we always go to church and dinner with my family. Then on Christmas day, my husband's family takes up practically the whole day. We're expected to be there in the morning and stay until evening. Now that we have kids, I want us to establish our own family traditions.

Juli: Practically every married couple can relate to your question. Christmas is typically regarded as the most important day of the year. Because of that, it's often symbolic to the people in our lives ... we spend Christmas with those who mean the most to us. That's why deciding how much time to spend with extended family during the holidays becomes such an emotional issue.

I agree that it is important to establish your own Christmas traditions. However, there is nothing wrong with part of those traditions including your families. Every couple handles the details differently, but here are some basic principles to help you navigate through:

First, while honoring both your and your husband's families, set some boundaries. For example, you may decide that you will only go to your in-laws' house for lunch instead of for the entire day. Or you might decide to alternate years, one year spending time with your family during Christmas, the next year spending time with his.

Second, pick a time during the holiday season that you will protect and set aside for your family every year. With little children, Christmas morning becomes particularly fun.

Next, ask both of your families to be flexible. As children become adults, family traditions have to change. Perhaps your parents or in-laws would be willing to come to your house for dinner. Or maybe they'll decide to have their family celebration on Dec. 26.

The good news is that most couples eventually resolve the holiday question, honoring their families' traditions as well as creating their own.

Q: I want to set a good example for my kids by doing a "good deed" for someone during the holiday season. But I don't really know where to begin. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Start right outside your front door! The art of being a good neighbor has been lost in recent years. We're so busy running from one thing to the next that we hardly take the time to get to know those who live right next to us.

My wife, Jean, and I have put a lot of effort into helping our boys catch the vision for being good neighbors. I remember a specific day last winter when Jean made a batch of her delicious homemade pumpkin bread. I convinced my sons, Trent and Troy, to deliver it with me as soon as it came out of the oven -- even though the thermometer reading at the time was 10 below zero! But the experience was worth it. The bread was a big hit with our neighbors, and my boys learned that it's worth going out in the cold to do something nice for someone else.

Christmas offers the perfect environment for these little acts of kindness. It doesn't matter where you live; chances are there's someone nearby to whom you can reach out. What better way to embody the message of "peace on Earth, goodwill to men"? Sometimes a simple gesture is all it takes to create community with a stranger. And that one little act may encourage someone who's feeling lonely or depressed during the holidays. It could also signal the beginning of a friendship that will last long after Christmas is over.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.