Focus on the Family

Q: My daughter listens to a lot of music, but we're constantly fighting over what's appropriate. I recently told her she can't download songs tagged as "explicit" or buy CDs with a parental advisory logo. Is this an acceptable compromise?

Jim: We've come a long way from the days when Elvis' gyrating hips were a scandal. Unfortunately, relying on the "parental advisory" logo or downloading only "clean," edited versions of songs is not a sufficient approach to shielding your daughter from offensive material. Why? Because the criteria for editing music is completely arbitrary and voluntary on the part of the artists and record labels. There's no way of knowing whether an "edited" album will truly be sanitized to your standards.

Bob Waliszewski, director of Focus on the Family's Plugged In website, provides a stark example of this in his book, "Plugged In Parenting."

"It's not uncommon for 'censors' to preserve a deeply objectionable theme while excluding something relatively minor," he says. "Here's an example from the 'clean' version of rapper DMX's album 'It's Dark and Hell Is Hot': 'I'm coming in the house and I'm gunnin' for your spouse/ Trying to send the (bleep) back to her maker/And if you got a daughter older than 15, I'ma (gonna) rape her.'"

Bob notes that the word "b----" was bleeped, while the references to guns and child rape remained. He mentions another song in which the word "marijuana" is bleeped but "acid" is not. Again, there's no consistency to how songs are edited, and even if certain words or phrases get axed, the harmful themes remain.

Rather than relying on record companies to haphazardly bleep swear words, a more comprehensive approach would be to help your daughter learn to discern for herself which songs are worthy of her money and attention. For more on media discernment, start with our website at www.pluggedin.com, or track down a copy of Bob's book.

Q: My husband and I are experiencing marital problems due to the way we parent our children. He's very harsh when talking to them and disciplining them. He has not maintained a good relationship with them because of the way he corrects them. How I can better communicate with my husband, and how we can we come to an agreement on discipline in the home?

Juli: Parenting is a monumental task, so very few couples agree on exactly how to accomplish it. Being on the same page with your husband is very important. Even if you disagree behind closed doors, your kids need to know that the two of you are a team. Here are some ways to help make that happen.

First, be willing to admit that you might not have it right. Yes, your husband is harsh with the kids, but he also probably brings parenting strengths that you lack. For example, you might be too lenient or inconsistent in discipline. Your husband will be much more willing to listen to your input if you can to admit to him where you need his help.

Second, identify what you already agree on as a parenting team. While you might have different philosophies of how you discipline, you probably have a lot of points of agreement, like what character traits you would like to see your children develop.

Finally, let someone else be the expert. Both of you have things to learn about parenting, so become students together. You can do this by reading a parenting book, attending a class at your church or community center, or by listening to parenting experts on radio shows or podcasts like Focus on the Family.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: We were overjoyed when our daughter was born, but since that time my wife has slipped into a pit of depression. She's uncommunicative and completely uninterested in romance. This is taking a toll on our marriage. Help!

Jim: Between 50 and 80 percent of new moms experience a temporary emotional slump, popularly known as "baby blues." Another 10 percent suffer from a more severe condition known as postpartum depression. In view of the intense physical and psychological changes that accompany the birth of a baby, these figures are not surprising.

The postpartum blues usually develop during the first week after delivery. Symptoms can include irritability, tearfulness, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite and difficulty concentrating. While this slump typically resolves itself within a couple of weeks, it should not be met with an attitude of "ignore it and it will go away." Your wife needs your emotional support and practical assistance during this time.

Postpartum depression (PPD) is more serious, and can last for months. A mother with PPD may be so intensely depressed that she has difficulty caring for her baby. If symptoms continue for more than two weeks, seek professional help. Treatment might involve counseling, the use of antidepressants or both. If your wife is breastfeeding, input from the baby's doctor will be needed before initiating drug therapy.

Meanwhile, assist your wife in practical ways during this difficult time. Even though you're tired after a long day of work, put her concerns ahead of your own. Help with the household chores, and ask her what she needs from you to get through this period. Don't expect any sexual response if she's exhausted and depressed and you haven't done much to help. This situation will get better, but you'll need extra doses of patience, delicacy and understanding in the meantime.

Q: In the past year, my wife has started seeing a counselor to deal with memories of childhood sexual abuse. I want to be supportive of her, but I wish I could just have my old wife back. It's like she's falling apart. I'm not sure how to help.

Juli: I am so sorry for what you and your wife are walking through. It is quite common for memories and the trauma of childhood abuse to resurface in adulthood, particularly when a woman becomes a mom.

Although it seems like your wife is falling apart, working through the trauma of the past is a necessary step to maturity and healing. Many adults spend their entire lives finding ways to hide from deep pain. They may become addicted to alcohol, control or spending money and will try to keep the voices from the past silent.

I understand that your wife's healing is disruptive to your life and probably even a bit frightening. Remember that her step toward dealing with the pain from her past is a courageous one and will eventually result in strength and confidence.

Because emotional wounds are not visible, it is easy to assume that they don't need to be addressed. However, your wife's pain is as legitimate as physical pain. Think of her "healing journey" as similar to going through chemotherapy for cancer. It is painful and apparently damaging, but it also temporary and has the purpose to bring health and life.

You have an important role in helping your wife get through some deep waters. Although you don't have to be involved in all of the details, it is key for you to understand the process of healing. It may help you to meet with her counselor periodically. Most importantly, your unconditional love and support are critical.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My husband works with a lot of women. I'm OK with this, but I don't like the fact that he texts them all the time, even in the evening. When I asked him about it, he said that I was being paranoid and that it is just part of his work. What do you think?

Juli: Most likely, your husband's texting is innocent and work-related. However, I think it is legitimate to be concerned for a few reasons.

First of all, most affairs begin with innocent communication between friends or co-workers. People don't set out to get entangled in an inappropriate relationship. They just evolve into that over time as sharing becomes more comfortable. For that reason, it is wise to keep clear boundaries and accountability with opposite-gender co-workers.

Secondly, texting is a very private and impulsive form of communication. It is much easier to text something that crosses a line than to make that same comment in front of other people at work. Texting histories are easily erased, eliminating the accountability of email, for example.

Ask your husband if he would be willing to communicate with co-workers only during work hours or through email, simply as a safeguard for your marriage. He is likely to hear these concerns as an accusation that you don't trust him. It is important for him to know that you are not accusing him of anything, but just guarding your marriage against even the possibility of a temptation in the future.

Q: My stepdaughter resists my attempts at friendship, to the point that she sometimes screams, "You're not my dad!" I know having a blended family is tough, but I really want to make it work. What can I do?

Jim: You're absolutely right -- having a blended family can be incredibly hard because of the unique challenges they face. It's difficult to comment without knowing specifics, but there are many reasons a child might react strongly to a new parent.

Focus on the Family's counseling team, which deals with this issue frequently, suggests that the problem might be rooted in unspoken signals emanating from your relationship with your new spouse. If the biological parent fails to give the stepparent an explicit endorsement of authority, the child may feel that she has no reason to recognize the stepparent as a full-fledged guardian with all the rights and responsibilities of parenthood. If that's the case in your situation, your wife needs to take the initiative by setting the ground rules for your stepdaughter and affirming your authority.

On the other hand, it's easy for an enthusiastic stepdad to come on too strong in expressing his excitement about the new family. This can be confusing -- even threatening -- to a child. When that happens, the stepparent needs to step back and let the relationship develop at the child's pace. In other words, find ways to operate at your stepdaughter's comfort level. When you sense bitterness or resentment, don't force the issue. Just make it clear that you're ready to listen when she decides to express her emotions in a respectful manner. If the hurtful words persist, it may be time to seek help from an objective third party. Contact Focus on the Family for a referral to a licensed counselor in your area.

Being a stepparent takes patience, determination and lots of love. If you're persistent, your efforts will eventually bear fruit. For more help in this area, we recommend that you seek out Ron Deal's excellent book "The Smart Stepfamily" (Bethany House Publishers, 2002). It contains a wealth of practical advice for parents in your situation.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)