Focus on the Family

Q: I'm dating a man who is five years younger than I am. He's very mature and seems to have a grasp on where he's going in life. I believe he's more mature than some men in their 30s. I'm reluctant to get too involved because of his age. Should I continue to pursue our relationship, or will his age be an issue as we get older?

Juli: As you get older, an age difference like the five years between you becomes less and less important. As you mentioned, maturity is far more critical than age. Maturity is gained not just by how long a person has lived, but by their experiences, character and upbringing. There are certainly some 20-year-old men who are more mature than 30-year-olds.

As your relationship progresses, take your time to evaluate whether or not this younger man has true maturity. Here are a few ways to identify this:

-- Integrity. Is he a person of his word on little things and big things? Is he trustworthy?

-- Responsibility. This means more than just showing up for work on time. It means the willingness to take responsibility for his own choices and actions rather than blaming others or avoiding consequences.

-- Delayed gratification. Is he willing to experience discomfort today so that he can have a greater future benefit? For example, does he resist buying something on credit so that he doesn't go into debt?

-- Willingness to grow. One of the most important characteristics of the person you marry is whether or not he's open to learning and changing. When confronted with a shortcoming, is he defensive or does he want to know how to improve?

One more note as you evaluate the maturity of this younger man: Remember to keep striving toward maturity in your own character!

Q: My husband recently returned from a two-year deployment, and he's a different person. He's verbally abusive toward me and our kids, and there have even been threats of physical violence. He's likely suffering from PTSD, but I'm nervous to suggest that he seek help.

Jim: I'm sorry to learn of your difficult situation. Unfortunately, mental health professionals report that many combat veterans return home and find it difficult to share their emotional pain, assuming that only those who've actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. They bury their emotions inside, and sometimes those feelings rise to the surface in the form of domestic abuse.

To put it bluntly, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may explain your husband's behavior, but it does not excuse it -- especially when the emotional and physical safety of your family may be at stake. It's vital that your husband receive professional help as soon as possible. According to our counseling team at Focus on the Family, abusive behavior isn't the only potential problem associated with PTSD. Deep psychological pain can express itself in the shape of flashbacks, nightmares, and physical or psychosomatic symptoms. It's possible that some of the issues he's dealing with can be effectively treated with medication.

Where your own safety is concerned, you need to be prepared to take decisive action. If your husband becomes physically violent, call 911. If it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, let him know that this behavior is unacceptable and insist that he seek professional assistance. If he refuses, or if you're afraid of jeopardizing his career by reporting him, find out what options are available to servicemen in his situation. Because PTSD is so prevalent, the military is now providing private, confidential counseling for those struggling with the fallout of combat service.

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Q: My daughter listens to a lot of music, but we're constantly fighting over what's appropriate. I recently told her she can't download songs tagged as "explicit" or buy CDs with a parental advisory logo. Is this an acceptable compromise?

Jim: We've come a long way from the days when Elvis' gyrating hips were a scandal. Unfortunately, relying on the "parental advisory" logo or downloading only "clean," edited versions of songs is not a sufficient approach to shielding your daughter from offensive material. Why? Because the criteria for editing music is completely arbitrary and voluntary on the part of the artists and record labels. There's no way of knowing whether an "edited" album will truly be sanitized to your standards.

Bob Waliszewski, director of Focus on the Family's Plugged In website, provides a stark example of this in his book, "Plugged In Parenting."

"It's not uncommon for 'censors' to preserve a deeply objectionable theme while excluding something relatively minor," he says. "Here's an example from the 'clean' version of rapper DMX's album 'It's Dark and Hell Is Hot': 'I'm coming in the house and I'm gunnin' for your spouse/ Trying to send the (bleep) back to her maker/And if you got a daughter older than 15, I'ma (gonna) rape her.'"

Bob notes that the word "b----" was bleeped, while the references to guns and child rape remained. He mentions another song in which the word "marijuana" is bleeped but "acid" is not. Again, there's no consistency to how songs are edited, and even if certain words or phrases get axed, the harmful themes remain.

Rather than relying on record companies to haphazardly bleep swear words, a more comprehensive approach would be to help your daughter learn to discern for herself which songs are worthy of her money and attention. For more on media discernment, start with our website at www.pluggedin.com, or track down a copy of Bob's book.

Q: My husband and I are experiencing marital problems due to the way we parent our children. He's very harsh when talking to them and disciplining them. He has not maintained a good relationship with them because of the way he corrects them. How I can better communicate with my husband, and how we can we come to an agreement on discipline in the home?

Juli: Parenting is a monumental task, so very few couples agree on exactly how to accomplish it. Being on the same page with your husband is very important. Even if you disagree behind closed doors, your kids need to know that the two of you are a team. Here are some ways to help make that happen.

First, be willing to admit that you might not have it right. Yes, your husband is harsh with the kids, but he also probably brings parenting strengths that you lack. For example, you might be too lenient or inconsistent in discipline. Your husband will be much more willing to listen to your input if you can to admit to him where you need his help.

Second, identify what you already agree on as a parenting team. While you might have different philosophies of how you discipline, you probably have a lot of points of agreement, like what character traits you would like to see your children develop.

Finally, let someone else be the expert. Both of you have things to learn about parenting, so become students together. You can do this by reading a parenting book, attending a class at your church or community center, or by listening to parenting experts on radio shows or podcasts like Focus on the Family.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: We were overjoyed when our daughter was born, but since that time my wife has slipped into a pit of depression. She's uncommunicative and completely uninterested in romance. This is taking a toll on our marriage. Help!

Jim: Between 50 and 80 percent of new moms experience a temporary emotional slump, popularly known as "baby blues." Another 10 percent suffer from a more severe condition known as postpartum depression. In view of the intense physical and psychological changes that accompany the birth of a baby, these figures are not surprising.

The postpartum blues usually develop during the first week after delivery. Symptoms can include irritability, tearfulness, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite and difficulty concentrating. While this slump typically resolves itself within a couple of weeks, it should not be met with an attitude of "ignore it and it will go away." Your wife needs your emotional support and practical assistance during this time.

Postpartum depression (PPD) is more serious, and can last for months. A mother with PPD may be so intensely depressed that she has difficulty caring for her baby. If symptoms continue for more than two weeks, seek professional help. Treatment might involve counseling, the use of antidepressants or both. If your wife is breastfeeding, input from the baby's doctor will be needed before initiating drug therapy.

Meanwhile, assist your wife in practical ways during this difficult time. Even though you're tired after a long day of work, put her concerns ahead of your own. Help with the household chores, and ask her what she needs from you to get through this period. Don't expect any sexual response if she's exhausted and depressed and you haven't done much to help. This situation will get better, but you'll need extra doses of patience, delicacy and understanding in the meantime.

Q: In the past year, my wife has started seeing a counselor to deal with memories of childhood sexual abuse. I want to be supportive of her, but I wish I could just have my old wife back. It's like she's falling apart. I'm not sure how to help.

Juli: I am so sorry for what you and your wife are walking through. It is quite common for memories and the trauma of childhood abuse to resurface in adulthood, particularly when a woman becomes a mom.

Although it seems like your wife is falling apart, working through the trauma of the past is a necessary step to maturity and healing. Many adults spend their entire lives finding ways to hide from deep pain. They may become addicted to alcohol, control or spending money and will try to keep the voices from the past silent.

I understand that your wife's healing is disruptive to your life and probably even a bit frightening. Remember that her step toward dealing with the pain from her past is a courageous one and will eventually result in strength and confidence.

Because emotional wounds are not visible, it is easy to assume that they don't need to be addressed. However, your wife's pain is as legitimate as physical pain. Think of her "healing journey" as similar to going through chemotherapy for cancer. It is painful and apparently damaging, but it also temporary and has the purpose to bring health and life.

You have an important role in helping your wife get through some deep waters. Although you don't have to be involved in all of the details, it is key for you to understand the process of healing. It may help you to meet with her counselor periodically. Most importantly, your unconditional love and support are critical.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)