Q: Our daughter and her husband are struggling financially. We'd like to help them out, but we don't want to set an unhealthy precedent or violate the integrity of their marriage. How should we handle this?

Jim: Focus on the Family's counseling team deals with this question often. Their advice is that if you have the financial ability and the desire, it's actually more beneficial to give to your children while you are alive than to leave them a large inheritance -- provided, of course, that you do it wisely and follow some basic guidelines:

-- Give with no manipulative strings attached. If you're trying to change an adult child's behavior by what you do for them financially, you're being manipulative. This poses a challenge for some parents and grandparents. Instead of giving money freely, they may want something in return: phone calls, visits during the holidays, license to "meddle" in their children's marriages, etc. Such expectations run contrary to the spirit of true generosity.

-- Transfer wealth gradually, without changing their lifestyle dramatically. Consider helping them out with the cost of necessary items, such as appliances, rather than luxury items. If they're buying a home, you might also think about giving them a monthly gift to help pay down the principal on their mortgage.

-- Be sensitive to your son-in-law's feelings and bear in mind the importance of his role as provider. Don't give the young couple so much money that he feels he isn't needed.

-- Don't rob your children of the ability to learn valuable life lessons. It's hard for more affluent parents to watch their kids struggle with problems that could be solved with a check. But it may not always be healthy for you to intervene. Struggling through a "lean" season may actually help them develop character and strengthen their marriage.

Q: My husband just told me that he's been having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We're trying to work things out, but I'm confused and having a hard time forgiving. Is an emotional affair just as damaging as a physical affair?

Juli: In some ways, an emotional affair is even more difficult to deal with than a physical affair because it is so ambiguous. Even the most basic question, "What defines an emotional affair?" is not an easy one to answer. While your husband did not share his body with another woman, he shared thoughts and feelings that should be reserved only for you. That hurts and feels like a betrayal!

As difficult as it is to forgive your husband and move on, it is a good sign that he confessed the affair to you. By doing so, he recognizes that he has crossed boundaries that he should not have crossed. Instead of rationalizing his actions, he is accepting responsibility.

To move forward, you need to follow many of the same steps involved in recovering from a physical affair. Forgiveness is certainly one of those steps. To forgive your husband means to give up your right to punish him for his past choices.

You also need to address the trust issue that was broken between you. How can you know that he will not continue in an emotional affair or begin another one? Together, you need to talk about boundaries that will protect your marriage. Reading Jerry Jenkins' book, "Hedges," would be a great place to start.

Finally, work together as a team to be sure that you are meeting each other's emotional and sexual needs within your marriage. Couples become more vulnerable to affairs when those needs are neglected.

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Q: We're considering enrolling our daughter in preschool this fall, but we're not sure about the idea of consigning her to an institutional setting for hours every week. What do you recommend?

Jim: When it comes to early childhood training, Focus on the Family's primary concern is to encourage a strong parent-child connection. We prefer to toss the ball back to the parents and let them evaluate their own unique situation. Does preschool have the potential to enhance or enrich the bond you enjoy with your daughter? Or do you sense that it might compromise that vital relationship in some way?

Also, check your motives. What's your purpose in sending your daughter to preschool? Are you hoping to provide her with a healthy introduction to the joys of learning? If so, there are probably preschools in your area that can help, particularly with respect to language skills, cognitive development and educational readiness.

However, if you're merely attempting to turn your daughter into a genius or position her in the academic pack in order to "keep up with the Joneses," you should reconsider. This phase of her life needs to be characterized by a strong emphasis on relationships, and you can seriously jeopardize that if you push too hard too soon.

In short, evidence suggests that children reap the greatest benefits, both educationally and socially, when they're protected from peer pressure and a formalized educational setting until they're mature enough to handle it. But there are also situations in which a good preschool might be valuable for a child. Those are questions only you can answer.

Q: My son is almost 20 years old and currently is in college. He has really struggled focusing on his classes the last two years and his grades have suffered in return. It is so important to me that he finishes college, but I don't know if it's appropriate for me to continue to monitor his work. When should a parent "let go" and let their adult child make his own mistakes?

Juli: A lot of parents can identify with your concerns. Ironically, as kids get older, we prepare them most effectively by letting go. You wrote that it is "so important to me that he finishes college." The key is whether or not it is important to him!

Motivation is something that a parent and child can't both equally carry. When your son was little, it was your job to provide the motivation for him to do well and to try his best. Now that he's a young adult, he has to learn to be self-motivated. This means that you have to let go of your goals for him so he can discover his own -- which may or may not be graduating from college.

You can help your son most by making a way for him to succeed in college and by not providing for him to fail. If he wants to go to college and puts forth a reasonable amount of effort, offer to pay for some of his college expenses. However, if he continues to get grades below what you know he should be getting, let him foot the bill or drop out and get a job. Instead of monitoring his work, set an objective standard (like a 3.0 GPA) that he should be able to maintain.

The most valuable lesson you can teach your son is how he must learn to take responsibility for his own choices in life. This may mean giving up your dream of him receiving a college diploma, but it will give him the best chance of succeeding in all of his endeavors.

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Q: My parents both passed away within the past year. My three siblings and I have always been pretty close, but losing our mom and dad has put a lot of stress on the relationships. I hate to say it, but much of the arguing is about money and dividing up their estate. It just adds to the grief of losing them. How do we get past this?

Juli: In the wake of losing both of your parents, it is so sad that you also find yourself in conflict with your siblings. Unfortunately, those who work with wills and estate planning will tell you that you and your siblings are not alone in your experience. Money and the desire to own things that were important to your parents can create tremendous feelings of anger and jealousy. It can resurrect old wounds like, "You were always their favorite," or, "I sacrificed so much to take care of them, so I deserve more."

As you strive for a peaceful resolution to this conflict with your siblings, here are a few things that can help:

First, keep conversations just between you and your siblings. Once in-laws and grandchildren get involved, the dynamics become only more complicated. This is your family, so any disagreement should be handled among the four of you and perhaps a neutral mediator.

Second, make sure that you and your siblings are taking time to grieve. Your sadness and loss can be channeled into irrational anger and conflict if you do not process it.

Finally, honor the memory of your parents. Imagine if they were watching you and your siblings argue over the things they left on this Earth. They'd be heartbroken. More than material wealth, a good parent wants to leave a legacy of love. Honor that legacy by refusing to treat each other unkindly.

Q: I think I'm in love with a man who works in my office. I know many people consider it unprofessional to date a co-worker, and I'm not entirely certain about his feelings for me. I don't want to place him or myself in an awkward position. What are your thoughts?

Jim: As you probably know, many office romances end in disaster. Typically, a couple begins dating, the relationship doesn't work out, and they break up. If there are hard feelings, the work environment can become a nightmare not only for the former couple but also for their co-workers. Many companies have "non-fraternization" policies for this very reason.

On the other hand, not all office romances are doomed, especially when they involve two mature and discerning individuals. They can even lead to wonderful marriages. A great deal depends on the nature of your working relationship.

It's highly inadvisable to date a supervisor or someone who is underneath you in the chain of command. The fallout of a breakup will be a lot less complicated if you're peers at the same job-grade level. Ideally, your co-worker will be located in another department or someplace where you won't have to interact with him every day if the relationship goes sour.

If your co-worker hasn't openly expressed romantic interest, beware of reading too much into the fact that you have nice conversations with him or feel a sense of chemistry. Take your time and get to know him before you allow your emotions to run away with you. Watch him on the job and in his interactions with fellow employees. Ask yourself if he displays the character that you desire in a dating and marriage partner. If his feelings for you are something more than merely cordial, you'll know soon enough.

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