Focus on the Family

Q: I need some advice on how to approach my teen daughter regarding the negative messages in teen magazines. I don't know where to start. Everything seems geared toward physical beauty. Do you have some ideas?

Jim: You have your work cut out for you! Our media culture tends to judge everyone -- but especially women -- based solely on their appearance. This mentality can wreak havoc on young girls when it comes to their self-esteem, body image and so on. Ironically, women's magazines are among the worst offenders. Even relatively conservative publications airbrush the images on their covers.

According to author Vicki Courtney ("BeTween: A Preteen Girl's Guide to Life"), little girls naturally want to be told they're pretty. If we don't tell them at all, they could end up having an unhealthy craving for male attention later on.

Hopefully, your daughter received this type of affirmation growing up. Now that she has reached the teen years, it's important to emphasize virtue and character over appearance. When she's exposed to negative stereotypes in teen publications, help her understand that those images of models who appear to have found the fountain of youth are not real. Most have been prepped by hair and makeup artists, Botox, plastic surgery -- and then airbrushed after the photos are taken.

It's up to you to help her distinguish between fact and fiction, illusion and reality. With a little guidance and a lot of love, you can diffuse our culture's negative messages about femininity, and help your daughter develop a healthy self-image.

Q: Our teenage son is a fan of horror movies. I watched one with him on DVD recently and, frankly, I was stunned by the violence. It's not like the campy horror films I remember. What should I do?

Jim: Bob Waliszewski, director of Plugged In, is Focus on the Family's resident media expert. Here's his take.

Bob: You have good reason to be concerned. Your son may believe that a steady diet of horror movies won't affect him. But the fact remains that our minds are shaped, for good or ill, by the stuff we pour into them.

This may seem rather intuitive, but I can't stress it enough: You need to help your son develop wisdom and discernment as he grows and matures. The best way to accomplish this is by providing reasonable guidelines while maintaining a close, warm, trusting relationship with him.

Sit down with your son and explain that research shows that violent media can lead toward violent behavior, and at the very least, aggressive attitudes. Praise him for his love of cinema (there are some truly great films out there!), but don't hesitate to let him know that dark, occultic, violent material will likely have a negative impact on his outlook and character.

Also, be sure to remind him that the reason you have to say "no" to certain types of entertainment is because you love him -- not because you're trying to spoil his fun. One of the ways you express your love is by doing your best to protect him from harmful influences. You wouldn't let him eat an E. coli-contaminated hamburger, so why would you let him consume "E. coli"-laced films?

Once you've explained your general perspective, you can proceed to let him know -- gently, but firmly -- that certain types of films will no longer be allowed. If you want him to respect your decisions in this regard, you'll have to convince him that you've done your research. A good place to start would be the movie reviews posted at www.pluggedin.com. Plugged In also offers plenty of positive alternatives -- movies that will encourage, build up and inspire -- something that all of us desire.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: I want to build Christmas traditions with our kids, but my husband doesn't think it's a big deal. He finds it all too sentimental. What are your thoughts?

Jim: Take it from someone who didn't have many happy memories growing up due to the general instability of my family: Traditions are important!

Maybe it's picking out a Christmas tree, arranging a nativity scene, decorating the house or baking gingerbread cookies. When family members engage in these activities, it's a time of connection with one another that marks the moment. Collectively, these moments become memories we carry into our future. Years from now, the smell of certain foods or the sound of a favorite song will bring to mind special memories from our past and the important people who filled them.

Traditions connect us with our heritage as well. When young kids spend time with their grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, it's an opportunity for them to feel a part of something bigger than themselves. It links them with their family history. Traditions also have the ability to bring a sweetness to the memory of loved ones we've lost over the years. Their presence lives on in the traditions we enjoyed with them.

I hope your husband will reconsider his position -- for your kids' sake, especially. The blessings that Christmas traditions create will bring joy to your family for generations to come.

Q: My strong-willed child is always a handful, but especially at bedtime. The excitement of the Christmas season has only amplified this problem. He refuses to stay in bed! What can we do?

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: Bedtime battles are not unusual when there's a strong-willed child in the house. The remedy is the same as that for any conflict with a strong-willed child: firm, loving and persevering discipline.

Success depends on establishing clear expectations and meaningful consequences, and applying them consistently. Be sure to discuss these consequences ahead of time. Your son should understand clearly what is and isn't acceptable before he's held accountable.

Begin by saying something like, "We all have things we must do in our home to live well together. My job tonight is to see you get the rest you need. Your job tonight is to stay in bed and go to sleep." Let him know that if he doesn't obey, he'll have unpleasant consequences. This could involve the removal of a privilege in his bedtime routine. If his door is usually open or a nightlight is left on, perhaps the door will be closed and the light extinguished if he gets up.

After putting him to bed, be prepared to intercept him immediately. If he gets up, take him back to bed and sit quietly with him. Talk calmly and firmly about the importance of staying put. Say, "What we need right now is for you to stay in bed. What do you think we can do to make that happen?" If he gets up again, repeat the process. Be firm, but not angry or exasperated. Stay within the boundaries you established.

Your goal, and the key to success, is to outlast your child, no matter how long it takes. It's a matter of simple endurance. Once the battle has been won, the child will usually live within the parameters established. If it is lost, the next conflict will be even harder to resolve.

Don't forget to pay attention to the positive side of the ledger, too. It's important to "catch" your son being good. When he has a good night, encourage him and praise him for his accomplishment.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: My wife and I got married over the summer. Her family lives three hours away, and my family lives four hours away in the opposite direction. Both families want us to come home for Christmas, and we're literally caught in the middle. Help!

Jim: We hear from many couples who struggle with this dilemma. The wife's parents might insist on having their little girl at home on Christmas morning. But the husband's mom is fixing a huge turkey dinner and says she'll be hurt if he isn't there to share it. Just wait until you have kids -- things can get downright ugly when grandchildren are involved!

To help navigate this minefield, it's important to remember two principles: be fair, and be flexible.

When it comes to being fair, try to come up with a solution that works for both of your extended families. That might mean spending Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, and then switching off the next year.

When it comes to being flexible, think about what is in the best interests of those around you. Perhaps spending half the holidays on the road is not what your budget can handle right now. Don't be afraid to tell your extended family that it's honestly not a good idea for you to travel this year. There's nothing wrong with you and your wife having Christmas at home and starting some traditions of your own. Just be sure to communicate your decisions early so your family members can plan accordingly. Don't wait until the last minute to tell them.

Whatever you decide, just make sure that you and your wife are engaging in healthy communication on the subject. Don't let pressure from extended family members undermine the fact that you and your wife are on the same team!

Q: My husband and I were recently married. We're very happy and have a great relationship, except for one thing: I don't get along with his friends. This has led to arguments and tension between us. Is there a way to solve this problem?

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of marriage and family formation: Many newlyweds find themselves faced with challenges of this nature soon after the wedding, and their ability to work through them together is an important measure of the strength of their relationship. This issue can provide you and your husband with a great opportunity to learn what it means to compromise and be flexible.

You didn't mention what it is about your husband's friends that bothers you. Are they engaging in behavior that is immature, irresponsible or immoral? If so, we'd suggest that your husband has a responsibility to confront this issue. He needs to ask himself whether these friendships are truly good for him and for your marriage.

However, if the issue is simply that you have different tastes and interests than your husbands' friends, we would challenge you to do the hard work of finding common ground with these folks. For example, let's say this group loves football and monster truck rallies -- things that don't interest you in the slightest. Would you consider biting the bullet and learning a little bit about the NFL and oversized trucks -- if only for the sake of your marriage? To do so would certainly represent a compromise on your part, but it would also send a signal to your husband that you're willing to set your interests aside once in a while for the sake of his.

Hopefully he'll do the same thing for you on occasion -- perhaps by letting his friends go to the next event without him, and instead taking you out on a quiet date.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.