Focus on the Family

Q: Due to a job transfer, we're moving to a different region of the country. How can we help our kids adjust to a cross-country move?

Jim: First, realize that this can be a tough transition for kids. According to Parents Magazine, "Toddlers will mourn the loss of their room and the house they've always lived in. School-age children will mourn the loss of their friends and their school. Teenagers, along with mourning all of the above, are likely to feel anger at their parents for a major life change that is beyond their control."

With all of this mourning going on, you should allow your kids time to grieve. So be patient with them. Life will eventually feel normal for them again, but it won't happen overnight.

In her book "After the Boxes Are Unpacked," author Susan Miller suggests several ways of helping your kids make the transition as smoothly as possible.

-- Don't play down the importance of the changes they're going through. Telling them that "everything will work out" isn't necessarily the best approach.

-- Encourage them to express their fears and concerns. If they're too young to verbalize their thoughts, help them. If you have teenagers, ask them to express their feelings.

-- Let them do the talking and make up your mind to be a good listener.

-- Whatever you do, don't deny your children's feelings. That will only increase their sense of isolation and frustration.

-- Don't feel that you need to shoulder all the blame or justify the move to your kids. It's not up to you to solve all their problems.

-- Remember that it's normal for some children to experience a temporary regression in behavior after a move. If you have school-aged kids, you may even see a drop in their grades. If that's the case, don't panic. Give them the time and space they need in order to adjust to the new situation.

Q: My daughter is really starting to get into the "emo" style of clothing. We have told her we won't allow her to dress in an emo fashion, but we really don't understand what it means to be emo. Can you tell us a little about what this means and if it is destructive?

Bob Waliszsewski, director of Plugged In: This is a difficult question to answer because the term "emo" means different things to different people. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is "a style of rock music influenced by punk rock and featuring introspective and emotionally fraught lyrics." At our media review website, www.pluggedin.com, our staff has reviewed some albums that would be considered emo in style and have decent lyrics and melodies, while other albums in the genre are filled with dark, unhealthy themes. So there is no one-size-fits-all answer here.

The same goes for emo fashion. Some emo kids adopt the look to fit into a current trend, while others do so to indicate that they belong to a group that has a particular mindset and attitude to convey.

In either case, it's necessary to consider what being emo means in your community. That's something we can't answer for you, but it's a worthwhile question for you and your daughter to consider. In her mind, what does she hope to communicate to those around her by embracing this style?

Sit down with her and simply ask her what being "emo" means to her. Does she merely want to dress like the other kids in her peer group? Or is she hoping to convey some sort of inner angst or rebellion? Her answers to those questions will be instructive as you consider how to proceed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: My grandson is going to be 2 years old next month. Whenever he doesn't get his way, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws a tantrum. My daughter says it's a stage, but I don't remember my kids doing that. What can I do to help?

Jim: Your concern for your grandson is admirable. Although you might not agree with your daughter's assessment that his tantrums are "just a stage," our counselors suggest that it's best to be careful in broaching the subject with her. Your grandson's parents should have the final say in the way their children are reared. Our counselors recommend that unless grandparents suspect negligence or neglect, they should offer advice only if asked; furthermore, grandparents should work at building a relationship in which they can compare notes and share the benefits of their parenting experience.

That said, if your daughter is open, there are some general principles you might share with her. Very young children sometimes need help controlling their emotional reactions. A parent's job is to set definite boundaries for the expression of childish anger and frustration, and to enforce those boundaries with consistent consequences. Time-outs are especially effective with toddlers. Taking a screaming toddler to a neutral location -- perhaps his bedroom -- and leaving him alone for a predetermined period usually does the trick. Our counselors suggest one minute of time-out for each year of a child's age -- in other words, two minutes for a 2-year-old.

Your daughter might also find useful advice in Dr. Kevin Leman's book, "Have a New Kid by Friday" (Revell, 2008). He suggests that the most effective strategy for extinguishing tantrums is to ignore them. Kids often throw tantrums as a way of manipulating their parents. If the parents refuse to be manipulated, the behavior often ceases.

Q: Our son has Asperger's syndrome and is now in high school. His attitude is changing, and he seems to be getting more rude and angry. He's socially awkward, and people don't understand his behavior. How can we help him and, more importantly, help those who befriend him understand how to deal with this kind of behavior?

Leon Wirth, Executive Director of Parenting and Youth: The teen years can be frustrating for any parent, without the added challenges of Asperger's (now classified as a high-functioning autism spectrum disorder). Our hearts go out to you and your son.

First, we're assuming your son is receiving ongoing psychological care. That is critical. Talk to your son's therapist about the changes in his behavior. It's possible that some of the problem can be minimized through medication, diet, supplements and other therapies. But that determination can be made only by a qualified professional.

When it comes to helping other people understand, direct them to a website or other information related to Asperger's. Don't embarrass your son or "make an example" of him. Rather, discreetly approach his teachers and the parents of his friends in an effort to educate them. Here are some resources:

WEBSITES:

-- The Online Asperger Syndrome Information and Support (OASIS) center (www.aspergersyndrome.org)

-- The National Dissemination Center for Children With Disabilities (nichcy.org)

-- The Autism Society (www.autism-society.org)

-- Autism Speaks (www.autismspeaks.org)

BOOKS:

-- "Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdowns," by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick.

-- "Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum: A Parent's Guide to the Cognitive, Social, Physical and Transition Needs of Teenagers With Autism Spectrum Disorders," by Chantal Sicile-Kira.

Finally, don't hesitate to call our counseling team here at Focus for a free consultation. They can also provide a referral to a qualified counselor in your area. May God bless you and your son!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: My mother-in-law won't leave us alone. My husband and I were just married a few months ago, and she comes by all the time and calls constantly. My husband is afraid to talk to her because he doesn't want to make her mad. I'm so disappointed in him and feel like he should be handling this. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Your situation is troubling because it involves two issues: 1) your mother-in-law's interference, and 2) the wedge that this has created between you and your husband. We'd suggest that it's critical to deal with the second issue before tackling the first.

More than anything, you and your husband need to be "on the same team" here. As a couple, you can't expect to enforce appropriate boundaries with his mom while you're simultaneously at odds with one another. So spend some time alone together and make sure you can agree on an appropriate plan of action. You're right; the issue is with his mom, and he needs to take the lead in addressing it. If he can't find the courage to do that, we'd suggest that you seek the assistance of an experienced family therapist. Contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation and a referral to a qualified counselor in your area.

Once you and your husband are prepared to operate as a united front, our counseling team suggests that you sit down with his mom and lovingly but firmly let her know that her constant interference is not healthy -- for her or for your marriage. Again, your husband should take the lead in this conversation. He should reassure her of your mutual love and respect for her, but also be firm about keeping healthy boundaries in place.

Q: My husband was just offered a job in another state. Due to the economy, we're struggling financially. I've tried to find a job in the same area, but nothing has opened up. The only solution we can come up with is to live separately for a while until one of us can find a job where the other person is living. But I'm afraid that we'll grow apart. How we can remain close during this transition? I know military families face this all the time.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Executive Director of Marriage and Family Formation: Your analogy to military families is a good one, although at least military families usually have a set date when the tour of duty ends. Your "reunification date" remains up in the air.

Author Erin Prater has written extensively on the challenges couples face during times when they have no choice but to live apart. Here are a few of her suggestions for helping your marriage thrive during this period:

-- Assemble a support network of same-gender friends and married couples. Enjoy regular fellowship and accountability with this group.

-- Develop a new interest. Audit a college class, join a book club, start exercising, etc.

-- Keep a journal of your daily activities -- challenges, funny stories, etc. -- and then share it with your spouse when you talk.

-- Send "care packages" to one another.

-- Pen an old-fashioned love letter. Don't use it to discuss the budget and other business. Write solely for the purpose of conveying your love.

-- Have a pizza or takeout delivered to your spouse.

-- Call your spouse when you know he'll be unavailable and leave a sweet voicemail. He'll be able to play it over and over when he misses you.

For more tips and ideas, visit the Marriage section of our website at www.focusonthefamily.com. Best wishes to you and your husband!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.