Focus on the Family

Q: After the Boston Marathon bombings, I'm feeling more anxious about world events and the possibility of terrorist attacks in our country. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with these fears?

Jim: Many Americans report feeling stressed out by the potential for terrorist attacks at home. But our counseling team suggests that these feelings are normal.

One of the best ways to deal with them is to talk with someone you trust. We all need "safe" people in our lives -- friends with whom we can be honest without having to worry that they'll judge us or make us feel ashamed. If you know one or two people like that, give them a call, get together for coffee, and tell them how you're feeling.

If you don't have any safe people in your life, you need to find some. Church is a great place to start. Many churches sponsor support groups where honesty and vulnerability are encouraged. And if you're spiritually inclined, bringing your fears before God in prayer and meditating on Scripture can provide great comfort.

Also, while the events in Boston and elsewhere are tragic, they are also, mercifully, rare. Keep in mind that our media and the relentless 24-hour news cycle can contribute a great deal to anxiety in the wake of terrorist acts. Sometimes it's best to just tune out.

Finally, if you're experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety -- shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sweaty palms -- you should talk to your physician. You can also contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation with one of our licensed counselors.

Q: How can I help prepare my daughter for the physical, emotional and psychological changes that adolescence brings?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President of Family Ministries: I have two teenage daughters of my own, so I've had a bit of experience in this area. My advice is for you to get out of the house while you still can. Ha!

Seriously, while navigating a young girl through the emotional teen years might seem daunting, it can be a beautiful experience for both parent and child.

First, open communication is the key! You need to help your daughter understand the physical changes her body will experience. Girls need to know about breast development, new hair growth and the reproductive cycle. The first menstrual period should be viewed in a positive light, as a passage into adulthood rather than a burden or a "curse."

It's also important to talk to your daughter about her increasing interest in the opposite sex. She'll need to be prepared to deal with attention from boys. This is an important time to review specific guidelines about relationships, affectionate touching, the progressive nature of sexual contact and the spiritual, physical and emotional advantages of saving sex for marriage.

Ideally, you want to create a home environment where talking is the norm. Plan on having a series of conversations with your prepubescent girl, perhaps at age 9 or 10. Some parents plan a special weekend away from home in order to have undistracted, one-on-one time during which these discussions can take place. If you're a single dad who feels uncomfortable discussing these matters with your daughter, consider seeking help from an adult woman who not only shares your values, but has enough rapport to talk with her about these topics.

Other issues to talk about might include the importance of friends, the need for independence and your daughter's desire to form her own identity. If you will stay in communication about the changes she's experiencing, the teen years have the potential to deepen your relationship considerably. Remember, you're on the same team!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can I motivate my two lazy teenagers? They won't help me around the house. As a single mom, I don't have the energy to make them get to work. Is there a way to break this negative pattern?

Jim: Being a single parent is tough. (My own mom would have attested to this!) Especially when the kids are being uncooperative. Unfortunately, even though you're exhausted, you need to establish clear rules and guidelines for your teens -- and then be prepared to enforce them.

You might start by employing what psychologists call "Premack's principle," which states that preferred behaviors can be used to reinforce unpreferred behaviors. For example, explain to your kids that leisure activities (TV, Xbox, going out with friends, etc.) will be off-limits until homework and household chores are completed. Sit down with them before implementing this system, and explain your love for them and your desire for them to learn responsibility. Let them know that, as members of the household, they need to contribute to the overall functionality of your home.

Once you've established these rules, it's imperative that you follow through. Stick with it, even when you don't feel like being tough. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into arguments about the finer points of the new standards. To avoid this, we'd suggest that you put everything in writing. Draw up a contract that clearly spells out both the rules and the rewards. Each of you should sign your names to the contract and post it on the refrigerator.

If you stick to the plan faithfully for a few weeks, you should start to see some positive changes in your teenagers' behavior.

Q: How can I keep marriage a priority when it takes everything I've got to keep the household running? Being a stay-at-home mom of small children isn't easy, but I don't want to neglect my husband.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President of Family Ministries: There are many women who can relate to your frustrations. For all its joys, keeping up with young kids can be a daunting challenge, too. No one could fault you for being physically and emotionally spent by the time your husband arrives home at the end of the day.

Nevertheless, as you know, your marriage is vitally important. It's the foundation on which your children's welfare depends. Here are a few suggestions for keeping romance alive in spite of the stresses of parenthood:

When your husband comes home from work, let him know that you're happy to see him. Don't greet him with a laundry list of complaints or "honey-do's" before he's crossed the threshold. Demonstrate your love with a heartfelt embrace. Don't allow the kids or the family dog to be the most excited ones to see him.

Give him a few moments to unwind if possible. And even when you're exhausted, make an effort to show interest in his world. Do you know what's happening at his workplace? He'll feel affirmed if you're as interested in his day's events as you would like him to be in yours.

Also, schedule some uninterrupted "couple time." Take the initiative to clear a night, arrange childcare and make some plans. You don't have to wait for your husband to get the ball rolling. Regular "date nights" are critical.

Finally, remember that men are affirmed by a positive sexual response from their wives, just as women are by thoughtful gestures from their husbands. Your husband will feel loved and honored when you initiate sex, especially if he realizes that you've had to plan carefully for intimate time with him at the end of a busy, tiring day.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: Due to a job transfer, we're moving to a different region of the country. How can we help our kids adjust to a cross-country move?

Jim: First, realize that this can be a tough transition for kids. According to Parents Magazine, "Toddlers will mourn the loss of their room and the house they've always lived in. School-age children will mourn the loss of their friends and their school. Teenagers, along with mourning all of the above, are likely to feel anger at their parents for a major life change that is beyond their control."

With all of this mourning going on, you should allow your kids time to grieve. So be patient with them. Life will eventually feel normal for them again, but it won't happen overnight.

In her book "After the Boxes Are Unpacked," author Susan Miller suggests several ways of helping your kids make the transition as smoothly as possible.

-- Don't play down the importance of the changes they're going through. Telling them that "everything will work out" isn't necessarily the best approach.

-- Encourage them to express their fears and concerns. If they're too young to verbalize their thoughts, help them. If you have teenagers, ask them to express their feelings.

-- Let them do the talking and make up your mind to be a good listener.

-- Whatever you do, don't deny your children's feelings. That will only increase their sense of isolation and frustration.

-- Don't feel that you need to shoulder all the blame or justify the move to your kids. It's not up to you to solve all their problems.

-- Remember that it's normal for some children to experience a temporary regression in behavior after a move. If you have school-aged kids, you may even see a drop in their grades. If that's the case, don't panic. Give them the time and space they need in order to adjust to the new situation.

Q: My daughter is really starting to get into the "emo" style of clothing. We have told her we won't allow her to dress in an emo fashion, but we really don't understand what it means to be emo. Can you tell us a little about what this means and if it is destructive?

Bob Waliszsewski, director of Plugged In: This is a difficult question to answer because the term "emo" means different things to different people. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is "a style of rock music influenced by punk rock and featuring introspective and emotionally fraught lyrics." At our media review website, www.pluggedin.com, our staff has reviewed some albums that would be considered emo in style and have decent lyrics and melodies, while other albums in the genre are filled with dark, unhealthy themes. So there is no one-size-fits-all answer here.

The same goes for emo fashion. Some emo kids adopt the look to fit into a current trend, while others do so to indicate that they belong to a group that has a particular mindset and attitude to convey.

In either case, it's necessary to consider what being emo means in your community. That's something we can't answer for you, but it's a worthwhile question for you and your daughter to consider. In her mind, what does she hope to communicate to those around her by embracing this style?

Sit down with her and simply ask her what being "emo" means to her. Does she merely want to dress like the other kids in her peer group? Or is she hoping to convey some sort of inner angst or rebellion? Her answers to those questions will be instructive as you consider how to proceed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.