Focus on the Family

Q: How can I help my 14-year-old son turn his grades around? I used to tutor him when he was younger, but lately he's refused my help. Right now the only thing he's into is basketball. I don't want to take that away, since it's all he has. We're also isolated from family and friends. What should I do?

Jim: During their early teen years, most kids are looking to establish some sense of independence. This may be the reason your son is resisting your help. Fortunately, this is fairly easy to get around. I'd suggest you work closely with his school to find him tutors in subjects where he's struggling. You should also keep in close contact with his teachers, preferably on a weekly basis. That way, he can get the help he needs without feeling that he's dependent upon you.

While you have some thoughtful concerns about not wanting to restrict his basketball privileges, it's possible that you're forfeiting the most effective weapon in your arsenal. Since it's the one thing that matters most to him, it may be your best option to motivate him to work harder academically. I'd encourage you to have a private conversation with his basketball coach and ask him if he'd be willing to make continued participation on the team dependent upon your son's grades. Chances are he'll go along with the plan. Most good coaches want their players to succeed in class as well as on the court.

Finally, where you find yourselves isolated from family and friends, it's possible that depression could be contributing to your son's problems in school. If you think he's depressed, your first concern is to look into this possibility. Our Counseling Department would be happy to assist you in this process. You can contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My husband and I recently learned that we're expecting. We're thrilled, but I'm also afraid that the demands of a baby will cause us to neglect each other and our relationship. Do you have any advice for us?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: First of all, congratulations! That is very exciting. I remember feeling just like you. Erin and I really struggled early in our marriage, and when we learned we were pregnant, I thought our marriage was doomed. Boy, was I wrong!

The truth is, no one is perfectly prepared for having children. The key for each of us was learning how to balance being a parent and a spouse, and specifically, learning each other's love language. Our love language is made up of those things that our mate does which make us feel loved or cared for. Not everyone's language is the same, and that may be true for you and your husband.

One simple way to discover your mate's love language is by asking what he needs to feel loved. We use the phrase: "I feel loved when you ..." Make your love language specific and measurable. Instead of saying "I want intimacy," say, "I need you to say you love me at least once a day," "Let's make love twice a week," or "I need you to ask me about my day." It's also critical that you follow up. On a regular basis, ask each other: "On a scale from zero to 10, how have I done this week in making you feel loved according to your unique needs?"

As you look forward to growing your family, remember that the best way to love your child is to love your spouse. By discovering your mate's love language, you'll be better equipped to meet the exciting challenges awaiting you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: We're only two months into the school year and already we're drowning in extracurricular activities. How much is too much? Can you suggest any practical guidelines?

Jim: I understand and share your concern. That's because kids need lots of time, space and leisure to develop their creativity and imagination. Stress from excessive organized activity can be a deadly enemy of a happy and healthy childhood. While every family is different, I'd suggest that in general, elementary- and secondary school-age kids shouldn't take on more than one extracurricular activity per school term.

The definition of an "extracurricular activity" isn't set in stone. In evaluating each commitment, it might be helpful to ask some basic questions about the time involved. How many evenings per week is your child spending away from home? If the number is too high, you might consider making some cuts.

If this seems like an impossible proposition, I'd challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions about the motives behind the busyness. Is it really about your child and his best interests? Or is the push to achieve driven by issues of your own? We're all susceptible to negative motives such as parental pride, insecurity or desires to compensate for our own unrealized achievements. But if allowed to run rampant, they can end up seriously damaging your child's self-image and the dynamics of your family interactions.

On the positive side, I'd encourage you to strive for the correct balance for your family. A certain amount of "stretching" can be a good thing, but you must always consider each individual member's unique needs and capabilities. There are some telltale signs that will let you know if your kids are being pushed beyond their limits -- depression, for example, or irritability, emotional withdrawal and physical symptoms such as stomach pain. If you see any of these red flags, don't delay in making the needed adjustments.

Q: How can I get my husband to help more with the kids? He enjoys the "fun" part of raising kids -- like "wrestling" with our toddler. But when it comes to the practical side of parenting, I don't think he's pulling his weight.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Speaking from personal experience, communication is usually the key here. Many couples never talk to each other about their parenting expectations, or the fears and struggles they're facing as parents. In most cases, both of them are doing the best they can, but are feeling insecure. The first step is to air these feelings in an honest, safe and non-threatening way.

Gender roles and distinctions can also be a factor. Mothers tend to have an immediate connection with a new baby, while fathers sometimes feel uncomfortable and "out of their element." When Dad tries to lend a hand, Mom may be inclined to correct everything he's doing. This leads to greater irritation on both sides, and the husband may shrink from trying to help.

Again, the solution is to discuss your feelings and expectations. If you're home full-time with the kids while your husband is out in the workplace, talk about what practical aspects of this arrangement should look like. If you both work outside the home, it's even more important that you clearly understand what the other is thinking.

Whatever your situation, it's important that you learn how to function as a team. This is another area in which husbands and wives need to be patient with one another and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

If you're struggling in your roles, our staff counselors would be happy to listen and help. You can contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: I've never gotten along with my in-laws. Three years ago, there was a huge argument and we haven't spoken since. At that time, they told my wife they'd pay for a divorce if she would end the marriage. Now my son is graduating and he wants my in-laws to be there. I want to forgive and get along for the sake of my son, but I'm just so angry. What should I do?

Jim: Situations like this one are extremely common. In home after home, family gatherings that are supposed to be filled with love and warmth end up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations. But "extremely common" isn't the same thing as "unavoidable." You're an intelligent and morally responsible human being, and you can make choices that will lead to positive change.

One option is to be honest. Let your son know that it would simply be too awkward and uncomfortable to invite the in-laws, and that for his sake, you don't want the graduation to turn into a family debacle. Naturally, you and your son (not to mention your wife) will have to be in agreement on this.

A second choice would be to invite them, but ensure that all graduation-related activities take place at a neutral location, such as a restaurant or community center. If the party disintegrates into a shouting match, politely excuse yourselves and take refuge in the tranquility of your home.

There is a third option. You could approach the graduation with an entirely different attitude. Try to see it as a time for reaching out in kindness and grace. Look for opportunities to demonstrate love to some unlovely people. Take the initiative to extend an olive branch. You might be surprised at how well your peacemaking gesture is received!

Q: My wife doesn't communicate well with me. I work long hours, and when I get home I want her to fill me in on what is going on in the family. I try to make time so we can talk about any issues, but she always just tells me everything is fine and then later I find out things that I never knew about. How can I improve our communication with each other?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: In many cases it's the other way around -- the wife wants a deeper connection, while the husband is uncommunicative. But in either case, the frustrations are very real.

To encourage more meaningful communication, ask your wife if she'd be willing to try the "Ten-Minute Plan." Three times a week, you'll spend four minutes reading a recommended marriage book together. After that, take four additional minutes to have a positive discussion about what you've read (no criticism allowed). Then, finish with a two-minute prayer.

In addition to trying the Ten-Minute Plan, keep the following in mind:

-- Communicate your need for conversation in a clear, respectful and honest way. Don't assume your wife knows what you're thinking.

-- Be sure to take notice when your wife does make an effort to talk with you. Reinforce this behavior by expressing your appreciation with sincerity and kindness.

-- Look for opportunities to turn routine activities -- shopping, cooking or yard work, for example -- into times of meaningful conversation.

-- Maintain a sense of humor about the unexpected challenges that may arise during the course of your conversations. Be patient and persistent.

-- By employing these ideas, you'll create an environment where it becomes comfortable to talk. This, in turn, can easily lead to a desire for more interaction and even more minutes together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.