Focus on the Family

Q: What's the best way to handle grandparents who play favorites? My parents are partial to our oldest child, and our youngest child has noticed and is beginning to ask questions.

Jim: Your first priority is to affirm and reassure your youngest. Let your child know that you've seen signs of favoritism as well. Avoid blaming the grandparents, but make it clear that this is an issue that needs attention.

Hopefully you can address it by means of a good-natured, non-defensive discussion with your parents. Begin by telling them how much you appreciate their interest and involvement in your kids' lives, and point out some positive contributions they've made to your children's upbringing.

Once you've set the right tone, explain your concerns. Let them know that while you're certain that they've always acted from the best of intentions, some of their words and actions have nevertheless been hurtful to your youngest child. Ask them to help you find a way to counteract this unintended effect.

They may deny the charge of favoritism, in which case you should thank them for listening and let the matter drop. It's possible that after a period of sober reflection they'll come to see the sense of your words and quietly make the necessary changes.

If, however, they react in anger, there may be deeper boundary issues below the surface. If so, you may want to invite them to discuss the problem with you in the presence of an objective third party -- a good friend, a disinterested relative, a pastor or even a qualified family therapist.

Finally, in extreme cases where grandparents refuse to cooperate, it may be necessary for you to limit the amount of time they spend with your children -- at least until they begin to take some positive steps in the right direction.

Q: How can I, as a father, counteract the influence of our self-centered culture and teach my kids to be grateful?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: A famous philosopher once said, "Gratitude is the mother of all virtues." If that's true, then you're doing your kids a huge favor by looking to cultivate this attitude in them. Here are three suggestions:

-- First, point out the sacrifice and positive contributions that others make in our society: the fireman or police officer who risks his life to protect us; the public official who diligently serves to better our community; missionaries who leave the comforts of our country to help the poor and needy. And so on.

-- Second, model thanking others for what they do. Let your kids hear you telling your wife what a wonderful meal she cooked. Let them hear you thank the motorist who lets you in front. I'll never forget the morning my father had me wait with him so we could thank our garbage collector. I was about 10 years old when he explained that garbage collecting was a demanding profession. He said, "Greg, do you think anyone ever thanks them for their hard work?" You should have seen the look on their faces when a father and his young son stood in the cold of the early morning to say thanks and to shake their hands.

-- Third, teach your children to give back. Gratitude and appreciation is encouraged when your kids make a charitable gift with their own money. As a family, find a volunteer activity you can do together. Take presents to an underprivileged family during Christmas.

By taking these three steps, you will be cultivating in your children one of the best things you can give them: a thankful heart.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can I help my 14-year-old son turn his grades around? I used to tutor him when he was younger, but lately he's refused my help. Right now the only thing he's into is basketball. I don't want to take that away, since it's all he has. We're also isolated from family and friends. What should I do?

Jim: During their early teen years, most kids are looking to establish some sense of independence. This may be the reason your son is resisting your help. Fortunately, this is fairly easy to get around. I'd suggest you work closely with his school to find him tutors in subjects where he's struggling. You should also keep in close contact with his teachers, preferably on a weekly basis. That way, he can get the help he needs without feeling that he's dependent upon you.

While you have some thoughtful concerns about not wanting to restrict his basketball privileges, it's possible that you're forfeiting the most effective weapon in your arsenal. Since it's the one thing that matters most to him, it may be your best option to motivate him to work harder academically. I'd encourage you to have a private conversation with his basketball coach and ask him if he'd be willing to make continued participation on the team dependent upon your son's grades. Chances are he'll go along with the plan. Most good coaches want their players to succeed in class as well as on the court.

Finally, where you find yourselves isolated from family and friends, it's possible that depression could be contributing to your son's problems in school. If you think he's depressed, your first concern is to look into this possibility. Our Counseling Department would be happy to assist you in this process. You can contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My husband and I recently learned that we're expecting. We're thrilled, but I'm also afraid that the demands of a baby will cause us to neglect each other and our relationship. Do you have any advice for us?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: First of all, congratulations! That is very exciting. I remember feeling just like you. Erin and I really struggled early in our marriage, and when we learned we were pregnant, I thought our marriage was doomed. Boy, was I wrong!

The truth is, no one is perfectly prepared for having children. The key for each of us was learning how to balance being a parent and a spouse, and specifically, learning each other's love language. Our love language is made up of those things that our mate does which make us feel loved or cared for. Not everyone's language is the same, and that may be true for you and your husband.

One simple way to discover your mate's love language is by asking what he needs to feel loved. We use the phrase: "I feel loved when you ..." Make your love language specific and measurable. Instead of saying "I want intimacy," say, "I need you to say you love me at least once a day," "Let's make love twice a week," or "I need you to ask me about my day." It's also critical that you follow up. On a regular basis, ask each other: "On a scale from zero to 10, how have I done this week in making you feel loved according to your unique needs?"

As you look forward to growing your family, remember that the best way to love your child is to love your spouse. By discovering your mate's love language, you'll be better equipped to meet the exciting challenges awaiting you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: We're only two months into the school year and already we're drowning in extracurricular activities. How much is too much? Can you suggest any practical guidelines?

Jim: I understand and share your concern. That's because kids need lots of time, space and leisure to develop their creativity and imagination. Stress from excessive organized activity can be a deadly enemy of a happy and healthy childhood. While every family is different, I'd suggest that in general, elementary- and secondary school-age kids shouldn't take on more than one extracurricular activity per school term.

The definition of an "extracurricular activity" isn't set in stone. In evaluating each commitment, it might be helpful to ask some basic questions about the time involved. How many evenings per week is your child spending away from home? If the number is too high, you might consider making some cuts.

If this seems like an impossible proposition, I'd challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions about the motives behind the busyness. Is it really about your child and his best interests? Or is the push to achieve driven by issues of your own? We're all susceptible to negative motives such as parental pride, insecurity or desires to compensate for our own unrealized achievements. But if allowed to run rampant, they can end up seriously damaging your child's self-image and the dynamics of your family interactions.

On the positive side, I'd encourage you to strive for the correct balance for your family. A certain amount of "stretching" can be a good thing, but you must always consider each individual member's unique needs and capabilities. There are some telltale signs that will let you know if your kids are being pushed beyond their limits -- depression, for example, or irritability, emotional withdrawal and physical symptoms such as stomach pain. If you see any of these red flags, don't delay in making the needed adjustments.

Q: How can I get my husband to help more with the kids? He enjoys the "fun" part of raising kids -- like "wrestling" with our toddler. But when it comes to the practical side of parenting, I don't think he's pulling his weight.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Speaking from personal experience, communication is usually the key here. Many couples never talk to each other about their parenting expectations, or the fears and struggles they're facing as parents. In most cases, both of them are doing the best they can, but are feeling insecure. The first step is to air these feelings in an honest, safe and non-threatening way.

Gender roles and distinctions can also be a factor. Mothers tend to have an immediate connection with a new baby, while fathers sometimes feel uncomfortable and "out of their element." When Dad tries to lend a hand, Mom may be inclined to correct everything he's doing. This leads to greater irritation on both sides, and the husband may shrink from trying to help.

Again, the solution is to discuss your feelings and expectations. If you're home full-time with the kids while your husband is out in the workplace, talk about what practical aspects of this arrangement should look like. If you both work outside the home, it's even more important that you clearly understand what the other is thinking.

Whatever your situation, it's important that you learn how to function as a team. This is another area in which husbands and wives need to be patient with one another and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

If you're struggling in your roles, our staff counselors would be happy to listen and help. You can contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.