Focus on the Family

Q: Our preschooler recently walked in on us while we were having sex. Should we be concerned that this will have any negative long-term effects on him? I tried to cover up as best I could, but I could tell he was upset. I'm feeling very guilty about this.

Jim: Other parents who've experienced the panic of "children interruptus" -- and have since installed locks on their bedroom doors -- know just how you feel. But you don't need to be overly concerned about what your son witnessed. He may have been a bit confused by what he saw, but if he hasn't brought it up since, I doubt that the incident has caused any long-term damage.

There's no reason for you to feel guilty about this. Sex is an important element of marriage and a normal part of family life. When you're a parent, things like this can happen from time to time, and it's best to take it in stride and move on.

I'd encourage you, though, to use this incident as a place to begin talking about sex and sexuality with your son. Approach this as a lifelong learning process, not a one-time "birds and bees" discussion. As a preschooler, he's old enough to understand some basic concepts about human sexuality, provided they're presented in age-appropriate language. At the most basic level, he needs to know that sexuality is not something scary and shameful, but a wonderful gift from God designed to be expressed between a husband and wife.

Among other things, this may help you resolve your feelings of guilt. It will also go a long way toward helping him clear up any remaining confusion over what he saw.

Q: Our teenage daughter is out of control. She's disrespectful to us, and she's causing problems in school. She's never been like this before. It's so out of character for her. We try to talk to her, and she just says there's nothing wrong. We're at our breaking point and feel so helpless. Is it time for counseling?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: We often hear from weary parents who have reached the end of their rope with a strong-willed adolescent. You're not alone!

When it comes to her behavior, it's critical that you lay out your expectations in advance and make sure that your daughter understands them. The consequences for rebellious or disobedient behavior should also be spelled out beforehand, and the implementation of those consequences should be prompt and consistent. Your daughter will likely challenge these standards at every opportunity, but it's crucial to keep your cool in the face of defiance. Don't give her an opportunity to seize control of the situation.

Also, keep in mind that teens of all temperaments are in the process of trying to form an identity. This can often play itself out in behavior calculated to define "self" in opposition to the values, beliefs, wishes and instructions of the parents. This is another reason why consistent guidelines are so important. They should be divided into at least three different categories: non-negotiable rules, negotiable rules, and rules that can be discarded as your daughter matures and demonstrates a growing ability to regulate her own behavior.

Is it time for counseling? That's a tough determination to make from afar, but you might start by calling Focus on the Family for a free consultation with one of our licensed marriage and family therapists.

Finally, don't lose hope! We hear from many parents who are ready to give up on their volatile teens, only to see them reach a more mature equilibrium after high school. In the meantime, just hang on and pray!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can we parent effectively when so many of our friends and relatives have values that conflict with ours? This is especially tough when we're all together for the holidays.

Jim: Our counselors would encourage you to begin by making sure that everyone in your household is absolutely clear about the values, priorities and spiritual perspectives that define you as a family. Take the time to provide your children with easily understandable reasons for the rules you live by, and equip them to graciously, but confidently, articulate these principles themselves when asked.

Once this is done, you'll be better positioned to deal with these challenges when your kids spend time in homes where the standards and convictions differ from your own. If you run into conflicts, humbly tell the friends or relatives concerned that while you love them and respect their feelings, it's your responsibility to raise your children in the way you feel is right.

Naturally, you should try to understand the motivations behind their behavior. If it's obvious they're contradicting you out of pure spite or simple lack of concern, don't hesitate to limit future visits until things change.

But if it seems clear that they really love your children -- if, for instance, it's a case of doting grandparents who dole out too many sweets in an attempt to gain a place in their grandkids' affections -- then look for creative ways to defuse the situation by enlisting them as members of your "team." Explain that you're trying to raise your children according to a certain set of standards, and that you won't be able to succeed without their cooperation and assistance. They'll probably jump at the chance to help you out.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The scenario you've described, though very common, can have many causes. Communication is a complex thing and is influenced by underlying emotions and learned behaviors.

For many of us men, much of our lives have been spent trading jabs and poking fun at other guys. It's often how we bond with each other. Unfortunately, we have to learn the hard way that it doesn't always have the same effect with the opposite sex.

It may also suggest that your husband's not comfortable having a serious conversation with you. This behavior is sometimes passed down through families who have a hard time expressing their feelings or dealing with difficult issues. The old proverb, "Many a truth is spoken in jest," may also apply here. Often a person may be upset with their spouse, but the only way he or she feels safe in expressing this is through hurtful humor.

Or it could be a problem of sensitivity -- either his lack thereof, or possibly your overactive sense. Both are obstacles to emotional intimacy and should be evaluated honestly. I'd start by looking at your relationships with mutual acquaintances other than your respective families. Does your husband routinely offend them? Do they see him as self-centered and unfeeling? Are you frequently hurt by others? Are you critical, or do you struggle with low self-esteem?

The goal here isn't to assign blame, but to gain an understanding of each other, which is the first step toward resolution. Since this typically works best with the help of a caring counselor, I'd encourage you to contact Focus on the Family for a referral to a qualified marriage therapist in your area. Call us at 855-771-HELP (4357). We're here and happy to help.

Q: Do you have any suggestions for how I can help a good friend whose husband just died? I'd like to support her in any way we can -- especially during the holidays.

Jim: What a grieving person often needs most is the presence of a thoughtful friend. One of the best things you can do is to listen and allow her to talk. If you want to express something, it's enough to say you care and that you're sorry. Explanations seldom console and advice is rarely helpful.

She may be angry as well as sad and needs to acknowledge, express and deal with these feelings. If it seems appropriate, don't be afraid to encourage a good cry. And be patient -- grief is a complicated process that can take a long time to work itself out. As you have opportunity, urge her to take care of herself by getting enough exercise, rest and recreation.

Practically speaking, you can make yourself available to help with daily chores and necessities. If you're running an errand, call and ask if there's anything you can pick up for her. If she has children, offer to baby-sit and go out of your way to give them special attention. Remember that they're grieving too.

Above all, don't avoid your friend. Write notes to her during especially difficult times, such as holidays and birthdays and anniversaries. You'll find that a phone call or an invitation to lunch could make her day. And if she needs a "family" for the holidays, ask her to join yours.

In the midst of all this, keep a watchful eye on your friend and make sure that she's working through her grief in a healthy way. Watch for negative warning signs like excessive sleeping or drug and alcohol abuse. If you think she needs grief counseling, don't hesitate to suggest it.

Q: Over the past few months, I've noticed that I interpret my husband's behavior in a much more negative light. Every little thing he does bothers me. Does familiarity really breed contempt?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The assumptions we make about our spouse can determine the level of happiness we experience in marriage. When two people get frustrated with one another, but the issue is not dealt with, the tendency is for each person to develop his or her own conclusion about why the problem is happening. This is what is known as "negative beliefs." In other words, a husband or wife interprets the behavior of his or her spouse to be much more negative than the spouse intended. Whatever you believe about another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that belief in everything he or she says or does.

To fight negative thinking, it's important for couples to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to be aware of what their mates do that is positive and respond accordingly. Your spouse is already doing some positive things, but you may not be totally aware of them. Try to notice things your husband already does that please you. This will force you to break through the barriers that obstruct your vision of his good deeds.

I'm not advocating unrealistic, "Pollyanna" thinking. We can't sit around hoping that our mate will change truly negative behaviors. However, there can be great freedom in considering that your husband's motives, even in those things that annoy you, are more positive than you might have previously acknowledged.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.