Q: I've heard you advocate for teaching moral values in our homes and to our children. Your view, however, seems archaic and misguided. People are "immoral" for only one reason: They're ignorant. Your approach seems not only ineffective, but a distraction from the greater need of formal education. Doesn't this reasoning make more sense?

Jim: Teddy Roosevelt is credited with saying, "A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad." His point? Education alone is inadequate to build character.

I've noticed a peculiar pattern in our culture. Whenever a new statistic is released that reveals some negative trend in society, it seems the call immediately goes out for more education. Whether it be the growing tide of drug abuse, teen pregnancy -- or any other social challenge -- conventional wisdom suggests these problems could be resolved if people simply knew better.

Now, let me be clear. I believe that education is critical and invaluable to any culture, and there is no questioning that ours is better for it. But as President Roosevelt so aptly explained, intelligence and morals are not the same thing. Intelligence deals with information; morals provide a foundation of wisdom for how that information ought to be used. A society needs both in order to be healthy.

Although some may be inclined to dismiss the importance of moral values, I'm firmly convinced that we would do well to heed the words of Dr. Wilbur Crafts, who observed, "It is not worthwhile to educate a man's wits unless you educate his conscience also."

Q: My toddler has been fondling his genitals a lot. I've caught him at it several times at home, and once it even happened in public. What should I do?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: Relax. You've no reason to be overly concerned. This behavior is a normal expression of early sexuality. If you respond calmly and in an age-appropriate way, the habit should pass as soon as maturity and social pressure begin to take effect.

Many parents are surprised to learn that genital fondling does not produce a sexual "charge" with small children. Instead, they do it because they find it self-soothing -- often as a way of dealing with boredom, anxiety or nervousness. If you want to curtail it, start by saying something like, "I've noticed you touching your penis (or vagina) a lot lately." Be frank and open and ask questions -- for example, "Why have you been doing this? Does it make you feel good?"

Determine the emotions that are driving the behavior and then redirect it by encouraging your child to focus on something else. Point out other ways he can soothe himself or feel more secure. Offer alternatives, like a teddy bear, a pillow or a special blanket.

Depending on your child's age, you can explain that there are some things we don't do in front of other people (it might be helpful to use the analogy of using the toilet). These things aren't bad, just private. If we do them in public, they can make others feel uncomfortable. Your purpose in speaking this way is simply to sensitize your child to the social implications of his behavior. Throughout this conversation, your tone should be firm and confident, not shocked or embarrassed.

In the final analysis, it's important to remember that children are not asexual. Your child's behavior is merely demonstrating that he's properly wired. So relax and give your child -- and yourself -- a break.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I try to be consistent with my kids, but there are days when I just don't give them the attention they deserve, or have the patience with them that I should. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess things up and lose my connection with them by the time they're grown.

Jim: I know how you feel because I've been there, too! But that's one reason I love this time of year. Spring is all about renewal. The warm weather is coming, the flowers are poking out of the dirt, and the days are getting longer. Of course, we also celebrate Easter, which for many people is all about God reaching down and offering humanity a second chance.

As parents, we know that second chances are a part of everyday life. We struggle and strive to help our children do the right thing. But sometimes, they fall short of the mark. When that happens, it's our job to help them get back up, dust themselves off and try again. Sometimes, if they've been disobedient, they might need appropriate correction to get them back on track. Other times, our kids simply need an arm around them and a word of encouragement to do better next time. Either way, it's all about extending grace and forgiveness.

Here's the crazy thing: As Moms and Dads, you and I need that grace and forgiveness from our children! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Sometimes -- maybe even much of the time -- we make mistakes. We lose our temper. We fail to make time for our kids. We accuse them of something they didn't do. Thankfully, children are resilient. If we're honest and humble when we mess up, they're more than happy to come running back into our arms and forgive us.

Within a loving family, there is always room for second chances. And thirds. And fourths.

Q: I'm recently married. My husband and I are discovering (the hard way) that we deal with life stresses differently, and we're struggling to understand each other. What can we do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Welcome to married life -- and a reality check! Stress can often cause us to function in an out-of-balance mode where we end up operating in the extremes of our personalities. This perhaps occurs most often when we feel pressured.

Research shows that men and women deal with stress differently. As a man's stress level increases, his body produces more of the oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively or withdraw (we like to say "go into their cave").

Women also produce more oxytocin, but it's coupled with estrogen and has a different result: When stressed, women tend to lean into relationships, either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the "tend and befriend" response.

Basically, these chemical reactions set men and women up to respond very differently during times of stress -- the perfect combination for conflict. Women want to connect, while men may feel more ready to pick a fight or withdraw. Understanding that contrast can go a long way toward helping you find common ground.

Note that sometimes gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. This scenario may look somewhat different in your marriage, but researchers have found it to occur in many relationships.

How you respond to your spouse when they're under stress has a direct impact on their behavior toward you -- and, of course, vice versa. As we continue to understand how our mates are different, it allows us to love them more fully. If you'd like more ideas for ways to connect and thrive as a couple, check out our website at focusonthefamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our family schedule is pretty crazy, and it seems like we're all just getting busier. We're trying to make changes, but meanwhile I'm concerned about staying connected with our children in what little "free time" we have. What do you suggest?

Jim: Parenting can certainly be challenging, and it's easy to let the serious business fill every hollow. But sometimes you just have to know when to be playful.

I'll share a personal example. I came home from work one day just as my boys came dragging into the house from the backyard. Troy was limping and Trent had a black and blue mark emerging on his chin. "What happened?" I asked. Troy said, "Don't jump on the trampoline with Mom. She landed on my ankle." Then Trent said, "Her knee cracked me right in the jaw."

Obviously, that playtime didn't go so well, but believe it or not, it did have a positive outcome. First, it was a moment we all still laugh about. But more importantly, Jean's playfulness drew the boys closer to her. The bum ankle and sore jaw are long forgotten, but my boys will always remember their mom taking time out of her busy schedule to play with them.

That's a great reminder for every parent. The pressures of adult life can make us a little too serious sometimes. Be playful. Play board games, wrestle on the floor, throw the ball around. Find something your children like to do and join them. It'll deepen your relationship with them, and they'll see you as more than a disciplinarian or someone who cooks dinner and does the laundry. They'll see you as someone who really enjoys spending time with them whenever you can. And to a child, that equals feeling loved.

Q: Our son is 10 years old. Up to this point, I'll admit that we didn't give much thought to entertainment, since he was content with what we gave him. But now he's starting to develop his own interests and tastes, and we want to establish some reasonable guidelines. What are your thoughts?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: The key is to avoid extremes. Many parents take an "all or nothing" approach, rather than teaching and reinforcing values on a case-by-case basis. These Moms and Dads tend to swing to one extreme or the other -- something that's easy to do.

The first extreme is permissiveness. Some parents seemingly can't say no to their children. They so much want to be liked by their kids that they seldom risk setting limits. They adopt an "anything goes" philosophy: No boundaries, everything is OK, do what you want. This approach leads to "indecent exposure" as children wander, aimless and wide-eyed, through the mire of the entertainment culture. We have to be parents who know how and when to say no.

The other extreme is legalism. Parents at this end of the spectrum rarely explain their decisions, but simply respond with a blanket "No." This type of parenting purports to be about safeguarding. It isn't. While this approach may simplify entertainment decisions, it also can breed rebellion. Human nature being what it is, at some point kids will want to sample "forbidden fruit" just because "everything" has been refused without context. That's why we also need to be parents who can say yes when it's warranted.

Neither of the extremes works. A discerning middle ground -- that not only articulates what (yes or no) but also why -- is the most reasonable and protective plan of action. Teaching discernment encourages balance, leads to critical thinking, bonds families, and gives tweens and teens life skills they'll carry throughout adulthood.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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