Focus on the Family

Q: My husband and I are expecting our first child (a boy). We want to raise him to be kind and respectful, but as we watch other parents we're beginning to realize that it might be easier said than done. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I think most moms and dads would agree that raising children looks easy before you're a parent. Teaching kids to be polite and to think of others is a journey, so we need to stay engaged for the long haul.

Author Jill Rigby Garner, an accomplished speaker and advocate for promoting manners and respect in society, says there are three styles of parenting -- two to avoid and one to embrace wholeheartedly.

The first to avoid is parent-centered parenting. This is when Mom and Dad put their own interests ahead of their children's -- or even try to live vicariously through their kids. Maybe Dad didn't make the football team, or Mom didn't make the cheerleading squad. Now they're determined to see their child succeed in those areas, whether that's their child's interest or not.

The second style to avoid is child-centered parenting. This is when parents allow the home to revolve around the children, who get anything they want. That puts parents in a subservient role to their kids. And it certainly doesn't teach a child to be kind to others and put them first; just the opposite, in fact.

The style of parenting that we should all be striving for is character-centered parenting. This is the parent who says "yes" or "no" based not on what will pacify their children, but upon the desire to help them develop positive traits and respect for other people. That's a lofty goal and, as I said, it's a journey parents have to be prepared to stay engaged in for the long haul. We have plenty of resources to help at focusonthefamily.com.

Q: Why does my wife always want me to talk to her? When I'm tired and just want to relax, she launches into an emotional outburst about how we don't "communicate" the way we used to. I have to leave the house to get any peace and quiet. Why can I do to make her understand?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It's not unusual to find that spouses differ radically when it comes to their needs and desires for verbal communication. That's partly due to gender; most women have a far greater stock of words than do their husbands. It can also be a matter of individual temperament and personality. Opposites attract, which is all well and good until the honeymoon is over and couples have to get down to the business of living together and understanding each other.

I'd suggest that you try setting up a specific occasion to talk, with an agreed-upon time frame. Twenty or 30 minutes should be sufficient initially. Get a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise not to run, but allow for a time-out if things get too intense.

Start by focusing on your respective needs for communication and quiet time. Make a conscious effort to use "I" statements to convey your feelings; i.e., don't blame or attack your spouse. The goal is for the speaker to be heard and understood. If you need to take a time-out, schedule a reunion session within 24 hours for further discussion. This will give both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.

If you need help putting these concepts into practice, don't hesitate to contact Focus on the Family's counseling department Monday through Friday between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. (MST) at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I were both varsity athletes in college, and we're very competitive. Our 6-year-old twins want to start playing soccer this summer. We're all for it, but we want to make sure that we maintain a healthy family perspective about competition. Do you have any advice?

Jim: I can relate -- my athletic career was everything to me until an injury cut it short prior to college. I'm a competitive guy myself, so I've had to temper my approach with my own sons.

It's bad news when a youth sporting event disintegrates into poor sportsmanship, yelling and even fistfights. It's even worse when it's the parents' behavior in question. We've all heard stories about adult behavior at children's sporting events that leaves us shaking our heads. Fortunately, most parents wouldn't dream of acting out violently. But it's not just extreme cases that take the fun out of youth sports. Yelling at coaches, officials and players, or criticizing your child's performance, can be humiliating for all concerned.

If you're one of those moms or dads who experiences soaring blood pressure while sitting in the stands, keep perspective on what's really important. Winning isn't everything, and a child's bad game isn't the end of the world. There are many positive character traits they can develop through sports, even if they aren't the best player. They may decide they'd rather do something else, and that's OK. (These days, my older son leans toward science and chess.)

Tell your kids that you're proud of them regardless of whether they win or lose -- and really mean it! And treat everyone connected with the game with respect. The way you handle yourself when you disagree with a referee's call or a coach's decision will teach your child how to act as well. When moms and dads are team players and good sports, everyone wins.

Q: We have three kids (ages 8, 11 and 15) and want them to learn personal responsibility while earning their own money. At what age do you recommend that a child start a summer job?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: First of all, make sure to check applicable child labor laws -- state regulations vary concerning when kids can formally go to work, what kind of jobs they can perform, and how many hours they can work each day/week. Beyond that, the child's age is less important than his or her level of maturity, and your reasons for encouraging summer employment.

Practically speaking, teenagers may need to work in order to help defray education-related expenses or meet personal financial needs -- auto insurance, gas money or cellphone bills. In the case of younger children, you're probably thinking more about teaching discipline, responsibility and the rewards of hard work.

Since kids aren't developmentally ready to grasp these concepts until the mid- to late-elementary grades, I suggest waiting until they're between ages 8 and 10 before giving them a summer job of some kind at home -- vacuuming and dusting, for instance, or watering and weeding the garden. As they get older, it's good to have them transition to working for someone else. The benefits in terms of learning how to live in a responsible manner -- to be on time, to work carefully and efficiently, to take instruction from other authorities, to manage the money they earn and so on -- are simply incalculable.

There may be circumstances under which other activities would take priority -- for example, a planned mission trip, summer school, participation in sports or an extended family vacation. In other words, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that children work at all costs. But on the whole, I think the benefits of holding a summer job far outweigh any potential negatives.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: It seems like every year we look forward to a summer vacation, but it somehow always falls flat and we come home tired and disappointed. How can we change that this year?

Jim: Researchers in the Netherlands set out to measure the effect of vacations on someone's overall happiness. They also wanted to figure out how long the feeling of euphoria lasted. Believe it or not, the largest surge in happiness occurred before the person even left on vacation. In other words, most of us enjoy looking forward to the trip more than actually taking it. Anticipation is often better than realization.

Speaking as a dad of two sons, my most stressful moments are at the airport when we're headed to the vacation. I'm telling the boys to "stay off of that," "don't touch that" or "get off the people-mover." They're just having fun, while I'm frustrated. But the tables turn when we get to the hotel and they find that the pool's been drained -- and then they're frustrated too.

Interestingly enough, there was one caveat within the study I mentioned. If people really and truly relaxed while on vacation, they were just as happy before, during and after the trip.

What's the lesson? You've heard the line in sports: go big or go home. When it comes to taking a vacation, you might try that same logic. Actually "vacate" -- don't try to go on vacation and still work, too. Build plenty of margin into your time away and don't overschedule. Leave some down time and room for spontaneity, and you'll probably be more "up" when you get home.

Q: Our son is turning 10 this month. Many of his friends have had super-extravagant birthday parties with some really pricey gifts. We're not trying to go cheap, but we want to do something that focuses on celebrating him rather than fixating on over-the-top festivities and presents. Any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: That's a great way to approach a birthday! Every year of life is a thing to celebrate. If you can direct the celebration toward your son and not make it all about the party, you can make birthdays an opportunity to communicate special value to your child.

Please don't misunderstand me –- I'm not against parties! Taking your son and a few friends to laser tag, a trampoline park or other play places can be a fantastic way to make birthdays fun and memorable. But if his birthday is also a time when your son is reminded of his worth and is encouraged to make strides in character development, you can make an impression that may yield positive results for the rest of his life.

There are lots of simple things you can do toward this end. You may wish to write your son a letter describing his positive qualities and encouraging him to use those in serving others. You can even ask everyone in your family to write a letter about his good traits, then read those notes aloud.

You can choose a character trait that would be appropriate for your son to work on in the coming year of his life, and plan interesting and fun ways to encourage him in his development. Character traits may include responsibility, generosity, kindness –- the list is practically limitless.

Note: This is not the time to point out faults and flaws or try to "fix" your son. This is about giving encouragement and love with no strings attached. I'm sure it will be a memorable time of celebration and affirmation.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.