Focus on the Family

Q: Our children are both in elementary school, and we want to start teaching them to handle money wisely. Is there anything we should keep in mind?

Jim: I'm sure you know whether your children are introverts or extroverts. It's key to their personality and how they interact with people. Financial experts Scott and Bethany Palmer have identified five basic "money personalities," and say that children (and adults) each show two, primary and secondary:

The "Saver": Whether it's cash or collecting rocks, savers hold on to stuff. That can be positive. But you'll probably have to encourage them to loosen their grip on their piggy bank every once in a while, for something worthwhile.

The "Spender": It might be a cheap pack of gum or an expensive video game -- they like to buy, and they crave instant gratification. Teach them to balance saving and spending, but understand they'll still probably make some bad money choices.

The "Security Seeker": They plan for the future, save money for a rainy day and refuse to touch a penny until that day comes. Applaud their careful planning, while helping them learn to feel comfortable using their money for other things when appropriate.

The "Risk Taker": They aren't emotionally attached to their stuff, so they won't hesitate to jump at opportunities that come along. They can make great things happen, but they're just as likely to buy on a whim. Help them channel their enthusiasm and learn to be strategic.

The "Flyer": They don't think much about finances; relationships come first, so they just see money as a tool to connect with others.

There's no "one size fits all" method of teaching your children to handle money wisely. But understanding your son or daughter's tendencies and money personality can make navigating these issues a lot easier.

Q: My wife and I have been married almost eight years. But our problems run so deep that I think we're both wondering if maybe we should just go our separate ways. Can you give me any reason why our marriage would even be worth trying to save?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I have no doubt that what you're facing is difficult, and my heart goes out to you. I believe your marriage is worth fighting for, for a lot of reasons.

If you're a parent, one of your most important considerations ought to be the welfare of your kids. Some people say children are relieved when their parents divorce, if it means they'll just stop arguing. But that's really not true. In fact, studies show that divorce is one of the biggest fears kids have. Twenty-five years later, children whose parents divorced still remember the loneliness and fear their parents' breakup caused them.

Research also shows that divorced couples aren't significantly happier once their marriage ends, and most wish they had worked harder to save their marriage.

But what happens if you put in the work to repair and strengthen your marriage? Again, the research shows that in most cases each spouse experiences greater physical, mental and emotional health, and their relationship is stronger and happier.

So here's the takeaway: You don't have to choose between staying in an unhappy marriage or divorcing and being just as miserable. Your marriage can be healed and restored if both of you are willing to try. Sure, it'll take work, but it is possible to develop the happiness and intimacy you and your spouse have been looking for all along. Our counselors at Focus on the Family would be happy to help; don't hesitate to call them at (800) A-FAMILY (800-232-6459).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How should I respond when my mother-in-law continually shows partiality to my husband's sister and her family? Whenever I call -- far in advance -- about visiting on various holidays, I'm told that she's already made plans with her daughter or that she'll "have to let me know" after finding out what's going on with her daughter's family. I deeply resent the inequity, and I'm tired of making plans around my sister-in-law.

Jim: It's tough to feel like your family comes in "second place" with your in-laws. Unfortunately, it's possible that in your mother-in-law's estimation, you will always play second fiddle to her own daughter.

Nevertheless, it's important that your husband have a candid conversation with his mother. Simple honesty requires that he let her know how the two of you have been feeling. Meanwhile, you should set some firm boundaries regarding future holiday plans. When discussing dates with his mom, the two of you should say something like this: "Mom, we'd really love to spend Thanksgiving with you this year. We'd like to finalize our plans by the first of September, so can you let us know by then?"

If she can't commit because she doesn't know what her daughter will be doing for the holiday, you can say, "Just let us know what you want to do by the first of September, or we'll need to make other plans." If she doesn't give you an answer by the deadline, stand firm and arrange something else.

If she acts hurt when you tell her you can't come, don't buy into her manipulation. Tell her you're sorry she's disappointed and that you'd love to get together another time. It shouldn't take her long to get the message. If she leaves your family hanging because she's hoping for a "better offer," she'll simply lose out on seeing you.

Q: How long should I wait before pursuing a lady who recently broke up with a boyfriend? I realize she probably needs some time and space right now, but I don't want to wait around too long either.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Time heals, but the amount of time that's needed depends on many factors. For this reason, I can't tell you, "Wait six weeks and then make your move." Instead, you need to keep your eyes open and go slowly. In particular, I'd suggest that you give thoughtful consideration to the fact that this woman has experienced a real loss, and that different people grieve such losses at different rates. You need to approach this situation with a great deal of sensitivity and compassion.

Your level of familiarity with this lady will necessarily dictate the way you relate to her under the present circumstances. If you're already friends, you probably have a good idea of how you might talk to her about her current situation. If not, you'll want to think about slowly building a friendship with her while maintaining an appropriate emotional distance.

When you've earned the right to do so, you might try asking her some questions about the recent breakup. What was this experience like for her? What did she learn from it? Who was responsible for ending the relationship? Factors like these are likely to make a huge difference in the amount of heartbreak she's going through.

Whatever you do, don't push her into some kind of "rebound" relationship. Remember, contentment and self-sufficiency are key factors in the psychological health of the individual, and it takes two healthy people to make a healthy couple. You don't want her to jump into a new connection with you just because she desperately "needs" somebody. That will only lead to other problems down the road.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: Do you have any advice for a single woman who's in love and romantically involved with a married man? I know the decision to go down this path was foolish, but there's nothing I want more than to begin a new life with this man. He wants the same, but he's dragging his feet and seems unable to leave his wife, even though his marriage is a mess.

Jim: Your feelings are understandable in light of your eagerness to get started on a new life. You believe you're in love with this man, and I'd be the last person to discount your emotions. At the same time, I'd encourage you to take a step backward and try to gain some objectivity. It's possible that your feelings are distorting your viewpoint.

Before you do anything else, stop and picture yourself looking into this situation from the outside. Put yourself in the place of your lover's wife and children. How do you think you'd feel if you were walking in their shoes? I'd offer the strongest caution against pursuing your own happiness at the expense of their home and family.

After that, try to see things from your lover's perspective. What would you do if you were in his position? Why do you think he's "dragging his feet"?

Finally, take an honest, objective look at yourself. What's motivating you to pursue this relationship so intently in spite of all the obstacles? What deep personal needs are you expecting to satisfy by making a new start with this man?

From where I sit, it looks as if this relationship is lacking something in the way of mutuality. In other words, it's very likely that your lover's feelings for you aren't as strong as you suppose. By your own account, he's proven reluctant to leave his marriage. He's content to keep you on the sidelines instead of making a clean break. It's plain that he doesn't share your sense of urgency and desperation. What do you think that means?

Hard as it may be to bend your mind in this direction, you also need to give some serious consideration to the importance of commitments. I'm still a strong believer in the sacredness, inviolability and permanence of the marital relationship. As I see it, the weight a man attaches to the vows he's made to his wife suggests something about his character. After all, would you really want to take a chance on a man who doesn't honor his commitments? Wouldn't you be plagued by fears that he might someday repeat the pattern by breaking his pledge to you? Past behavior is usually the best predictor of future behavior.

This last thought leads to another. How much do you value yourself? How healthy is your sense of personal worth? These questions are well worth asking. If in the end your lover chooses not to leave his wife, you're going to have to decide who you really are and how you can go on living without him.

I'd encourage you to give some honest thought to this. Take some time to revisit your personal values system. Ask yourself a few probing questions about your larger framework and worldview. Do you have any idea where you came from, where you're going and what your life is all about? Do you sense some kind of deficit in your life? If so, are you aware of anything -- something larger than you or your lover -- that might be able to fill the gap? That's a subject we'd love to discuss with you, if you'd be willing to give us a chance. Please don't hesitate to get in touch with us at (800) A-FAMILY.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.