Focus on the Family

Q: I hate Father's Day. My dad never said, "I love you," or told me he was proud of me. Eventually he abandoned our family completely. He was never a positive influence in my life -- why should I honor him?

Jim: I feel for you. My own history with my dad wasn't much different from yours, so I understand some of the angst you may feel around Father's Day. But we can still respect long-held traditions that teach us to honor our dads. That's because honoring your father is as much for you as it is for him -- maybe more so.

As you may know, I draw my values from the Bible, which was originally written in Hebrew and Greek. The ancient Greek word that means "honor" is often more specifically translated as "honoring that which is honorable." In other words, we aren't expected to respect our father for his abuse or his irresponsibility. But we should honor him for the positive things -- however few -- he represented. For some of us, that may be nothing more than the fact that he was responsible for giving us life.

And there's a personal benefit in that action. Honoring a dad who wasn't all he should have been requires us to forgive. From personal experience, I can attest that it's a long, challenging process. It certainly doesn't erase a lifetime of poor choices our fathers may have made. But it does release us from the emotional prison our resentment can keep us trapped in. And if your dad is still alive, it could be a first step on a journey of healing for both of you.

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Q: Usually when I want to express my love for my husband verbally or in writing, I list reasons why he means so much to me: He's a good dad, provides for our family, etc. But he doesn't seem to appreciate those compliments like he used to. Am I missing something?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Most of us, when asked to make a list of the reasons why we love our spouse, would probably start with "because": I love my wife because she's good to me ... because she's kind ... because she's considerate ... because she's romantic.

There's certainly nothing wrong with those things. But true, lasting love goes much deeper than that. Author Gary Thomas has noted that it's easy to love someone because they're always doing nice things for you and making you feel good about yourself. Anyone can love somebody like that.

Real life is different, though. Even the best spouse is going to let you down from time to time. All of us tend to be self-absorbed, forgetful and even mean-spirited. It's true of you and me, and it's true of the people we're married to. But if you can love a spouse who disappoints you, you aren't loving them because of anything -- you're loving them anyway.

Will a woman love her husband who doesn't express appreciation for the sacrifices she makes? Who takes her for granted? Can a man love a wife who isn't nearly as kind to him as he is to her? We all want to be loved anyway, in spite of our own faults, so shouldn't we treat the person closest to us the way we want to be treated?

One key to a healthy marriage is to get to the point where you and your spouse can say to each other, "I love you because ... and I love you anyway." If you can get that balance right, your marriage likely has what it takes to go the distance.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My grandmother is in the final stages of cancer and her illness has dramatically altered her physical appearance. She has expressed a desire to see my two young children. Should I allow the kids to visit her? Would they find the experience too upsetting?

Jim: This is a difficult decision. You're anxious to protect your children from fear and pain. At the same time, you want to honor your grandmother's wishes.

On the whole, we take the view that death is a part of life. With appropriate preparation, it would probably be a good idea to allow your children to say goodbye to their great-grandmother. This is especially true if they've enjoyed a relationship with her in the past.

Be honest with the kids about what's happening. Use age-appropriate language to let them know that great-grandma is very, very sick. Tell them that people sometimes get so sick that their bodies don't work right anymore. Explain that this may make them look very different than they used to. If your grandmother's sickness has caused her to lose her hair or a lot of weight, you may want to talk about this beforehand. Be sure to lay it all out in a calm, non-threatening way. If you appear to be anxious or fearful, your children will pick up on this and it will cause them to feel afraid.

Of course, there's a faith-based aspect, as well. While most young children don't have the capacity to grasp abstract concepts like death and eternity, this is an opportunity to lay the groundwork for further discussion of these topics as they mature. For now, keep the conversation simple and geared to your children's needs and their level of insight. We have numerous resources to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Our young son is defiant and talks back. He won't do his homework and refuses to clean his room. When we try to discuss these issues with him in a calm, mature way, we usually end up getting angry and yelling at him. What are we doing wrong?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: First, I might suggest that you invest about 10 minutes into taking the "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" assessment; see focusonthefamily.com/parenting.

Second, you need to determine if this is a skill deficit (e.g., poor organization), or a true case of defiance. Either way, you want to work on developing connection, respect, understanding and communication. If it's a skill deficit, help him learn what he needs to accomplish tasks. If it really is a defiance issue, then it's best to have consequences that are age-appropriate, consistent and well understood.

Consequences can be both positive and negative. Your child may have learned that you eventually get angry, yell and then give up -- so you need to follow through. You can use positive consequences to increase a positive behavior, and negative consequences to decrease a negative behavior. Set goals with celebrations, and set consequences with meaningful losses.

For example, you might tell your son, "If you finish your homework by 5:00, you get an extra half-hour of TV time tonight." That's a simple positive consequence that doesn't cost you anything. But if 6:00 rolls around and he hasn't even looked at his homework, as a negative consequence he loses the privilege of any TV time that night altogether. Again, spell this out clearly in advance.

You'll need to come up with appropriate consequences (both positive and negative) that really touch him where he lives. It could be skateboarding privileges, or a weekend outing with Dad. The motivating power of specific consequences will change as a child grows older.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our teenage son has a drinking problem; in fact, at this point I'd call him a full-blown alcoholic. His behavior is impacting everyone in the family and tearing our household apart. Help!

Jim: You're not alone. Unfortunately, substance abuse can affect even close-knit families with strong values. Our staff counselors have several recommendations in this case.

First, denying or ignoring the problem will likely just make things worse, so you've made a good start by asking for help. Second, don't allow yourself to become burdened by false guilt -- most parents assume extensive self-blame when an addiction surfaces in their home. Third, don't look for or expect quick-fix solutions. There will be no complete healing until your son learns to accept responsibility for his actions. This could be a long process requiring a great deal of patience and perseverance on your part.

We strongly recommend that you seek professional counseling as a family. The most successful treatment programs involve intensive evaluation with therapy in an environment of community and accountability. Our Counseling Department can provide referrals to helpful programs and qualified therapists in your area; call 800-232-6459.

If the situation continues to escalate, options might include an inpatient detox treatment center, a halfway house, a boot-camp program or youth home, or staying with a relative or friend for a defined period of time under strict rules. More extreme possibilities may need to be considered, such as making your son a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if criminal activity is involved. He has to face the consequences of his behavior before he will be motivated to change.

Q: Hey, Bob, I'm curious: When you compare today's media environment to what you experienced as a teenager/young adult, what's been the most impactful change?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Without question, the most impactful change has been how easily young boys (and girls) can access pornography. When I was a teen, porn was available primarily in magazines and XXX bookstores. Nowadays, of course, pornography is just a click away.

A Tru Research study of over 2,000 teens, ages 13 to 17, found that a third admit to intentionally accessing nude or pornographic content online; 71 percent of them said they had done something to hide what they do online from their parents (this includes clearing browser history, deleting inappropriate videos and lying about behavior).

Another comprehensive survey by Josh McDowell Ministry found that more than one quarter (27 percent) of young adults ages 25 to 30 first viewed pornography before puberty (josh.org). Plus, we've all heard the stories of middle and high school students sexting risque/nude photos of themselves or others -- becoming not just consumers, but providers.

Is all this simply an innocent rite of passage? Not hardly! The research is pretty clear that porn use is wreaking havoc in the bedroom (not spicing it up), increasing depression as well as anxiety, stress and social problems.

So, what is the answer? Short of writing a thesis on the subject, let me just say that the first step, as difficult as it may seem, is for parents to pre-emptively sit their young person down for a chat on the subject. Ask if they've accessed porn intentionally. Accidently? What about their friends? Discuss what it means to live a porn-free life (including saying no to inappropriate movies/TV). Be sure your young person knows he/she can be honest without fear of reprisal, and that you'll be there to help no matter what.

If you need help along this line, you can talk to one of Focus on the Family's licensed counselors at 800-232-6459.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.