Focus on the Family

Q: My son and daughter are 15 and 13, respectively. I'm trying to cover all the bases in helping them prepare for adulthood. Is there something you've seen parents neglect or just forget to talk about?

Jim: Parents rightfully want teenagers to learn important life lessons -- financial management, work ethic, etc. And those are good things to teach to our children. But there's another topic moms and dads often overlook: marriage!

You're probably thinking: "Talk to my teenagers about marriage? I'm just hoping to get them through the dating years in one piece!" But conversations about marriage aren't something that should be ignored in the teen years.

Marriage is an enormous commitment, and yet parents generally do very little to prepare their kids for it. That's why I think it's best to weave healthy principles about marriage throughout a child's upbringing. Boys should be taught from a young age what it means to serve their wife, to honor her and to treat her with dignity. Girls should learn the value of motherhood and how marriage can enhance her identity as a woman, rather than detract from it.

Values like these can even have a positive impact on single young adults. They'll be better equipped to have a healthy dating life. And they'll also be more likely to wait for the right relationship, instead of jumping into the first thing that comes along.

So don't wait until your kids are deeply entrenched in a romantic relationship before talking to them about marriage. Proactively teach them how to have a healthy relationship, so they'll be able to make a good decision when it counts.

For more tips to help your family thrive at all stages of life, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How can we help our 2-year-old adjust to having a new baby sister? He whines and cries for Mommy (me) all the time, and lately he's been misbehaving as a way of getting our attention. Is this normal?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Yes, it's perfectly normal. Your older child has been the center of attention in your family. Now a screaming, crying little stranger has suddenly appeared on the scene and upset his world, demanding huge amounts of your time and attention. It's only natural that he feels a bit put out.

There are several strategies you can adopt to smooth the transition. First, it's important for Dad to take an active, involved role with both toddler and baby. When you're nursing or tending to the infant, your husband could engage the older child in some kind of fun one-on-one activity, giving the boy his full attention. On the other side of the coin, Dad could give you frequent breaks by changing, rocking, burping and generally helping care for the baby whenever possible. That will enable you to also spend some special time with your toddler each day.

Many parents notice some regressive behavior on the part of their toddler after a new baby arrives. For example, the child may try to climb into the infant's crib or suddenly forget his potty training skills. One way to counter this is to affirm your toddler for his "grown-up" capabilities and to point out some of the advantages of being older. You might say something like, "You're such a big boy now! You can go to the park and ride on the swings. The baby is too little to do that." Your older child needs to be reassured that he's special and unique. So let him know that you love him and praise him generously when he's helpful or kind toward the baby.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I don't get violent when I'm angry, but I've always had a tendency to just "let it out" when I get frustrated with my wife and kids. That's how my parents lived and how I was raised. What's the problem?

Jim: A lot of people see anger as an uncontrollable emotion. But that's not true. Not only can you control how you express your anger, you probably already do it.

Here's an example. You're in your car with your spouse, headed to a friend's home for dinner. It's supposed to be a fun evening, but the two of you are locked in a heated argument. No one else is around, so you both let your anger run loose, snapping at each other all the way across town. Maybe you even continue arguing as you're walking up to the house.

But what happens as soon as your friends open the front door? Suddenly, you and your spouse are all smiles and you're behaving as if there's nothing wrong between the two of you.

The issue isn't that you don't have the ability to control your emotion, it's that you don't want to exercise that ability. Anger is a powerful emotion, and you may feel better letting your frustration spew all over your family. But as empowering as it may feel, uncontrolled anger usually causes more damage than it solves. Anger can be restrained, but it takes deliberate, conscious effort.

If you need a jump start in learning how to deal with anger in a healthy way, I'd invite you to speak with one of our staff counselors at 1-800-232-6459.

Q: What should I do if I fear that my marriage may have been a mistake? It's only been a short time since the wedding, and already I'm beginning to think that I've married the wrong person.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Simply put, marriage is not primarily about "finding the right person." It's about being the right person.

You can begin by working on yourself. If you entered marriage with the expectation that you were going to find happiness in your mate, you were probably disappointed. The range of emotions that we normally experience as unmarried individuals has the potential to become even wider in marriage. If you and your spouse were unhappy and unfulfilled as singles, those feelings of discontentment can sink even lower after you tie the knot. But if you each have a sense of deep individual meaning and purpose, and a desire to share your goals in a lifetime of mutual commitment, your satisfaction level can increase as you come together. The object lesson is obvious: If you want to be content living with another person, you have to learn to be content in who you are.

Second, shake off the lingering influences of premarital romance and learn to appreciate your spouse for who he or she really is. During courtship, both spouses-to-be tend to get excited about this wonderful new relationship. As a result, they fill in any perceived gaps in their loved one's personality. Accept that you're now married to a person who has flaws -- just like you have.

Third, remind yourself of the true meaning of love. Erich Fromm wrote: "To love somebody is not just a strong feeling -- it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were just a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever."

If you continue to struggle practicing this kind of love in your marriage, please call our counselors at the number above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a single mom with three young children, working full time and taking online college courses. The burden of doing it all myself is getting heavier. My history with relationships isn't the best; still, the idea of having a husband to help out sounds increasingly appealing. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's natural that a woman in your position should desire to find a man to share her life and help her shoulder the burden of raising three children. It sounds like you're exceptionally busy -- perhaps even over-committed -- and it's reasonable to think that a husband could be a great support to you. Not to mention that all the best research indicates that children thrive better in a two-parent household.

Nevertheless, you have to be cautious about entering into a relationship on the basis of this kind of need. As you probably know, marriage isn't simply a pragmatic partnership. A spouse is something more than a provider, a housekeeper, a nanny or an assistant parent.

I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling and take a hard look at the relationships you've had in the past. You want to do everything you can to avoid repeating unhealthy patterns. You also need to do the personal work necessary to grow and heal so you're ready should that special individual come along. Success in marriage is as much (or more) about being the right person as finding the right person. Our staff counselors can help you start this process; call them at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Meanwhile, try to develop friendships with other moms. Work on building connections with caring women in your neighborhood, church and community. Join a baby-sitting co-op so you can get a break from the kids once in a while. With a little breathing room, you'll be better equipped to prepare yourself for the future.

Q: How can I help my small child deal with his overwhelming fear of insects? He's always been a little scared of bugs, but recently he was bitten by something at preschool during snack time, and now he gets hysterical every time the class is supposed to go outside.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Your child's panicked reaction may be because of his personality, young age and/or his lack of understanding. Children's fears can be due to inexperience -- they become paranoid because they don't have complete or accurate knowledge of the thing that scares them. That can lead them to generalize ("all bugs bite"). Kids who are more anxious and tend to be on "high alert" need help learning how to handle difficulty, adversity and fear.

A practical strategy would be to make a fun project out of helping your son overcome his concerns. Go to the library together and check out some books on bugs. Learn their names and talk about what they do for the environment. Start with harmless-looking critters like lady bugs and caterpillars. Draw pictures of insects together. You might even buy some toy plastic bugs for him to play with. From there, hold some "safe" bugs in your hands to show that they aren't threatening. My kids loved to give worms rides on their toy trains. The goal, of course, is to take the thing that causes him to panic and make it familiar and fun.

All of this takes patience and genuine connection with your child. It's likely that your son will eventually learn that most bugs are harmless. If this doesn't happen -- if the problem persists beyond a few months or seems to get worse -- you may want to schedule a full evaluation of your child by a licensed clinical professional.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.