Focus on the Family

Q: Our daughter is painfully shy. As a toddler, she would run behind her mom's legs when guests visited. Even now, as a young teenager, she struggles to look people in the eye. She does well in school, but we're still concerned. How can we help our girl overcome her fear of social interaction?

Jim: First, let's clarify a common misconception. Author Susan Cain points out: "Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating." Some introverts are shy, and many shy people are introverted. But those aren't synonymous terms.

Shyness is usually a personality trait. It's not that children want to feel timid around people; they just do. With some patience and encouragement, parents can help shy children develop confidence in social settings. Shy people feel most timid in unfamiliar situations. An obvious solution is to make those settings feel more predictable and routine. Create opportunities for your daughter to venture into unknown territory with you by her side. Have her order her own meal at a restaurant, for example. Or accompany her while she asks a sales associate a question. The first few times you may even coach her in what to say. But you'll gradually be able to pull back until she's handling the situation on her own.

Remember, too, that you'll probably have to repeat this process for each new situation. Ordering her own meal, for example, won't help her feel any more prepared to make phone calls or set appointments. But with each new task she conquers, her overall confidence should grow.

A shy child will likely always be shy. But handled properly, shyness can be a gift. Shy kids tend to grow up to be sensitive, caring adults, who show a high degree of compassion for others. They just need some help from you to learn how to manage their shyness well.

Q: I'm in my late 20s. I date a lot, but have seen so many marriages break up (including my parents) that I'm not keen to go down that road myself. Why pursue a lost cause?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: One of the most insightful statements I've heard about marriage comes from author Maggie Gallagher: "Getting married is the boldest and most idealistic thing that most of us will ever do."

Ms. Gallagher is right; marriage demands a lot from us. Building a successful marriage requires us to think about our spouse's well-being more than our own. And -- this will be no surprise -- that kind of sacrifice doesn't come naturally. It takes a lot of commitment to live it out every day.

One of my favorite thoughts about marriage comes from that renowned philosopher, Rocky Balboa. In the original 1976 movie, a friend asks Rocky why he would bother pursuing a relationship with Adrian, a young woman so shy she's afraid of her own shadow. Rocky replies, as only he can, "She's got gaps; I got gaps. Together we fill gaps!"

Rocky's statement is simple, but profound. We have the ability to be strong where our spouse is weak. To do that, we have to be willing to step outside of ourselves and make our spouse's needs a priority. The love we feel when we're dating is usually all about our needs being met. I think that's why Maggie Gallagher describes marriage as a "bold" move. Infatuation eventually wears off. When it does, we can only experience true, fulfilling love if we're willing to serve our spouse and fill each other's gaps. It's bold, idealistic and very much worth it.

To help your relationships thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I have been married for almost three years, but we're both unhappy. Frankly, we'd each have plenty of other options. What would you say to us before we split up?

Jim: The fact that you're even asking the question, instead of just divorcing, is a good sign. I'd suggest you consider this: A study by the Institute for American Values found that two-thirds of unhappy couples who stayed together said their relationship was significantly better within five years. To achieve that, it'll require you and your spouse to make some strategic decisions.

Let me share an illustration from classic literature. In Homer's epic work "The Odyssey," Odysseus encountered the mysterious Island of the Sirens. These creatures' enchanting voices were so beautiful, they distracted sailors from their journey, imprisoning them forever. But knowing the dangers, Odysseus put wax in his crew's ears. He also ordered that he be tied securely to the ship's mast to prevent him from being lured away by the Sirens' seductive melody. Odysseus commanded the crew members to stay true to their course, no matter how bad their circumstances seemed.

Marriages in our culture have become transient. Too often, we'll throw out relationships at the first sign of trouble. But marriage is a covenant -- a deeply binding commitment designed to help us weather our most difficult circumstances. It's a vow requiring us to "tie ourselves to the mast." You have to dismiss the voices seeking to lure you away from your marriage or convince you that divorce is an easy answer to your troubles.

If your marriage is unhappy, it's not too late. Commit your relationship to a course of growth and healing. Before long, you and your spouse may discover the relationship you've always dreamed of. We have plenty of resources available to help -- even if your marriage is foundering on the rocks -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: We moved to a new school district over the summer; now our second-grader is expressing fear of riding the bus. He did OK last year, so I don't understand this development. It's too far for him to walk, and my wife and I both work, so we can't drive him every day. What can we do?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: This can be quite normal for kids that are a bit shy; if that's the case, your child will need some reassurance and coaching. If he's generally outgoing, adventurous and not usually afraid, then you'll need to dig deeper.

First, ask your son for more information. Did something occur last year on the bus? Was there a problem with other kids? Is anything especially scary about the new setting? If nothing bad happened previously, the issue could be he's just nervous about the unknowns at this new school.

You can make that first ride less intimidating with some planning. You could have him take a squeeze ball or a fidget toy to help him as he manages his fearful feelings. Or he could quietly play "detective" and note different eye colors, nose shapes or hairdos he sees on the bus, then share those observations with you when he gets home.

Another idea is planning a special celebration for the first day and the first week of successfully riding the new bus. Celebrations help a child focus on controllable things rather than the things that cannot be controlled.

Help your son see how fear is to be conquered and not avoided. Some personalities do better with this than others. But learning to manage uncomfortable feelings is a great life skill that will always be helpful as he grows.

If you'd like to discuss this subject at greater length with our Counseling Department, call 1-800-232-6459.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: When my father died recently, I was struck not only by my own loss, but also my children's -- now they won't have Grandpa around anymore. Dad was a huge influence on me, and it hurts to think that my kids will miss out on his wisdom and encouragement as they grow. How can I replace that?

Jim: I'm very sorry for your family's loss. Losing a treasured loved one is always difficult, but especially when there's been a close relationship with multiple generations sharing in each other's lives.

You obviously can't "replace" Grandpa himself, but perhaps you can find someone else to help fill the gap. There are thousands of folks around us -- veterans, nursing home residents and others -- who are growing old alone. One survey of more than 16,000 care centers in the United States found that only 15 percent of the residents received visitors. In other words, eighty-five percent didn't receive visits from anyone -- not friends, not family, not even a chaplain. We can do better. And it's a natural fit for our children.

In that vein, perhaps you could consider "adopting" someone in the elder generation, and giving your kids the chance to build a relationship with a surrogate grandparent. Your children can gain a lot from seasoned wisdom, experience and example -- and brighten someone's world in return.

Meanwhile, if you need to talk to caring person about your Dad's death -- and even how to help your children process it -- I hope you'll feel free to call our staff counselors at 1-800-232-6459. They would be happy to help.

Q: I'm horrified whenever I see something in the news about cyberbullying; my son is about to start middle school, and he's fairly sensitive. I want him to enjoy making new friends and connecting with people through various means, but I'm also worried. How can I help guard his heart without being over-protective?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: I wish I could help alleviate your concern by citing statistics showing that cyberbullying is a rarity, like being struck by lightning. Sadly, that's not the case; 40 percent of all teens have been cyberbullied at least once. One out of five teens has been cyberbullied on a regular basis. A whopping 95 percent of social media users say they've witnessed it online.

First, you need to ask your son if he's ever felt bullied in a general sense. Then transition to cyberbullying. Has he been affected or has someone he knows? How has he responded?

Let your son know that should it ever happen (or if it already has), you want to be aware and help him walk through it. Make sure he understands that depending upon the severity, there are times when a bully's parents should be notified, possibly school administrators, sometimes law enforcement. Assure him that you will help facilitate this process.

Furthermore, help him gain a sense of confidence. While we all know the middle-school years can be rough, your son needs to realize that confidence is a life skill that can be developed. I suggest a two-fold approach. Make sure he grasps that all human beings have a God-given value, independent of what others think or say, and independent of what he can or will accomplish.

That said, in a parallel fashion, it still helps if your son can feel good about a special talent. Can he play the piano well? Does he have a good jump shot? Can he solve computer problems like Steve Wozniak? Make sure he can hold his head up high because of these gifts. When others tell him he's not much -- either in person or digitally -- he can trust that the error must be with the bully, not with himself.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.