Focus on the Family

Q: My wife just got a new job with a substantially better salary, and I received a significant promotion. We're empty-nesters and want to handle our increased income responsibly. (We haven't always been the best financial decision makers in the past.) What should we keep in mind?

Jim: This isn't really a question about the best way to use your money. That's a highly subjective issue that we can't possibly resolve for you. What you really want is a broader set of principles. Financial expert Ron Blue suggests the following criteria-based model for making fiscal decisions:

-- For people of faith -- pray together about how to handle your money.

-- Define your decision. What's the question? Many times your decision statement will include such words as "choose," "select" and "best."

-- Clarify your objectives. What are you trying to achieve? What are the decision criteria?

-- Prioritize your objectives. What are the non-negotiables? What are the trade-offs?

-- Identify your alternatives.

-- Evaluate your alternatives. What are the facts?

-- Make a preliminary decision.

-- Assess the risk. What could go wrong here?

-- Make the final decision.

-- Test the decision.

This multistep matrix has a number of benefits. Perhaps the most important is its capacity for maximizing objectivity, minimizing bias and thus defusing emotion-based disagreements. If you discuss and apply it carefully, you will separate the relevant data from the trivial, provide direction for your thinking and set the stage for consensus as a household.

Q: I'm a woman who has been happily married for six years. I have several close "guy buddies" at work, and I know my husband is in a similar setting with some women at his workplace. My male friends get a little flirty with me sometimes, and I'm sure it's the same for my husband. As long as nothing happens, it's all harmless, right?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Maybe you don't think of infatuation as a mind-altering drug. But counselor Dave Carder has spent the past 30 years studying the causes of infidelity. He believes infatuation is as powerful as any substance out there.

Carder says most people don't wake up and decide, "I think I'll ruin my marriage today." Affairs usually come about slowly, without people realizing they're drifting into dangerous emotional territory. Infatuation is especially hazardous because it evolves from everyday relationships. Associating with co-workers, neighbors and family friends is appropriate in the typical sense. But when two people are together day after day, infatuation is a real possibility. It can develop before anyone realizes it's happening.

People consumed by infatuation do crazy things. They behave as if they're literally under the influence of a mind-altering substance. And to Dave Carder's point, they are. Infatuated people are drunk with emotion. They don't make rational decisions or care how their choices impact everyone else.

To protect your marriage, keep on the lookout for danger signs that your emotions are drifting. It may start by saving topics of conversation for somebody other than your spouse because, in your mind, they understand you better. Or you may share intimate details about your marriage with that person. Your feelings have definitely gone too far when you look forward to seeing the other person more than your spouse.

These indicators are often subtle, but they're important. When your marriage goes through a dry spell -- and all relationships do -- you can easily become infatuated with someone else. You may lose all sense of reason; then almost nothing will prevent you from having an affair. So to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes of your life, keep an eye on your relationships and your emotions in check.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My parents recently got divorced because my mom was having an affair. Now she's moved in with this other man and plans to marry him within a few weeks. My husband and I are struggling with this situation. Should we readily accept her new husband?

Jim: It sounds like you're caught in an understandable conflict between two opposing elements. You will always love your mom, but that doesn't mean you are bound to approve of her choices and actions, especially when they've been hurtful and damaging to the rest of the family.

Remember, your mother is the one who has created this awkward situation by choosing to disregard her marriage vows. She needs to understand that her actions and choices have real-life consequences. From our perspective, it's both insensitive and unfair of her to demand that the rest of the family embrace her new boyfriend with open arms. Your mom needs to accept responsibility for what she's done and realize that her actions have had a profoundly negative impact on the people who love her most.

I'd suggest that you draw a very definite line in the sand. Strong boundaries are healthy; "normalizing" brokenness is not. Tell your mom that you are willing to welcome her at family gatherings as long as she is willing to respect your values and standards, and to honor them when she's with your family and in your home. Remind her that she has deeply hurt everyone in the family by deciding to become involved with another man. Say something like, "I love you and care about you, but I don't approve of this relationship."

You and your husband can then decide together how to proceed going forward. As your mother's son-in-law rather than her own flesh-and-blood child, he may be able to say some things for you.

If you would like to discuss this situation further with our staff counselors, call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: Our second child is almost 3 years old. She doesn't respond to any of the parenting strategies that worked well with her older sister. We're stumped and stressed. What are we doing wrong?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: This is really about adapting to the differences from person to person. Many parents think raising children is like following a recipe -- use the same ingredients every time, and the cookies always come out the same, right? We know that's not quite the case.

Children are individuals. They don't all share the same talents, aptitudes and perceptions. Just because Son No. 1 is capable of straight A's, that doesn't mean you can expect his brother to achieve the same. And one daughter may be a great athlete, while her sister might be a brilliant musician. Each child has his or her own way of viewing, interpreting and engaging in their world.

Treating each child the same way makes sense to us because we think we're being fair. It may be fair, but it's not really most effective. Core values -- honesty, respect, etc. -- should be expected of everyone in the home. But that leaves plenty of room to tailor your expectations to your child's personality. Push some kids to work harder in school, and they'll rise to the challenge. Others will struggle even more. Some children thrive under rules and discipline. Others rebel at the slightest form of discipline, and may require a more creative approach to correction.

You have to study and know each of your kids, and invest the time and energy to connect, correct and redirect them according to what motivates them as an individual. A good starting point is the helpful, research-based and reliable 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment at www.focusonthefamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our daughter is painfully shy. As a toddler, she would run behind her mom's legs when guests visited. Even now, as a young teenager, she struggles to look people in the eye. She does well in school, but we're still concerned. How can we help our girl overcome her fear of social interaction?

Jim: First, let's clarify a common misconception. Author Susan Cain points out: "Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating." Some introverts are shy, and many shy people are introverted. But those aren't synonymous terms.

Shyness is usually a personality trait. It's not that children want to feel timid around people; they just do. With some patience and encouragement, parents can help shy children develop confidence in social settings. Shy people feel most timid in unfamiliar situations. An obvious solution is to make those settings feel more predictable and routine. Create opportunities for your daughter to venture into unknown territory with you by her side. Have her order her own meal at a restaurant, for example. Or accompany her while she asks a sales associate a question. The first few times you may even coach her in what to say. But you'll gradually be able to pull back until she's handling the situation on her own.

Remember, too, that you'll probably have to repeat this process for each new situation. Ordering her own meal, for example, won't help her feel any more prepared to make phone calls or set appointments. But with each new task she conquers, her overall confidence should grow.

A shy child will likely always be shy. But handled properly, shyness can be a gift. Shy kids tend to grow up to be sensitive, caring adults, who show a high degree of compassion for others. They just need some help from you to learn how to manage their shyness well.

Q: I'm in my late 20s. I date a lot, but have seen so many marriages break up (including my parents) that I'm not keen to go down that road myself. Why pursue a lost cause?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: One of the most insightful statements I've heard about marriage comes from author Maggie Gallagher: "Getting married is the boldest and most idealistic thing that most of us will ever do."

Ms. Gallagher is right; marriage demands a lot from us. Building a successful marriage requires us to think about our spouse's well-being more than our own. And -- this will be no surprise -- that kind of sacrifice doesn't come naturally. It takes a lot of commitment to live it out every day.

One of my favorite thoughts about marriage comes from that renowned philosopher, Rocky Balboa. In the original 1976 movie, a friend asks Rocky why he would bother pursuing a relationship with Adrian, a young woman so shy she's afraid of her own shadow. Rocky replies, as only he can, "She's got gaps; I got gaps. Together we fill gaps!"

Rocky's statement is simple, but profound. We have the ability to be strong where our spouse is weak. To do that, we have to be willing to step outside of ourselves and make our spouse's needs a priority. The love we feel when we're dating is usually all about our needs being met. I think that's why Maggie Gallagher describes marriage as a "bold" move. Infatuation eventually wears off. When it does, we can only experience true, fulfilling love if we're willing to serve our spouse and fill each other's gaps. It's bold, idealistic and very much worth it.

To help your relationships thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.