Focus on the Family

Q: I'm a busy working man. I know I should be spending more time with my family, and I really want to. But I'm stumped as to how I can fit it all in; there's just no place to cut anything. What can I do?

Jim: There's a hard truth that we sometimes have to face: We can always make time for whatever is most important to us. Once you decide what comes first, it's easier than you might think to make adjustments.

One way to make more family time might be to rearrange your daily schedule. If you go into work early, that might make room at day's end to leave earlier and beat the rush hour traffic on the way home. If you do this consistently, you could save yourself several extra hours a week -- time that could be spent with your spouse and kids.

Also, don't go out to lunch if you can help it. By the time you factor in parking, ordering and everything else, the lunch "hour" can easily stretch to two hours or more. Instead, pack your own lunch and just take a 30-minute break. It's cheaper and, again, it might give you just enough extra time to make your son's Little League game later in the day.

Finally, don't be so quick to take that promotion. If it's going to require even more travel and more overtime, it might be more worthwhile just to stay where you are for now. Your family may need you more than they need extra income.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you shirk responsibilities at work. Just make sure your job isn't all-consuming. There's a big difference between putting in an honest day's work and being a workaholic. With a little creativity, you'll find a healthy balance between the office and the home.

For more ideas to help your family thrive, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I've had it up to here with our lazy teenagers. They're good kids, but I can't seem to motivate them to get off the couch and do anything constructive -- much less finish their homework or clean their rooms. Do you have any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Rather than "laziness," I'd prefer to view this as motivation toward other things. While it's common for teens to seem unmotivated, they're usually motivated toward something (technology, friends, dating, etc.) unless they're clinically depressed. Each of us has our own motivators.

Sometimes teens disengage because they are overwhelmed; they're still learning how to handle hormones, stress, technology, more freedoms and many other distractions. It can also simply be immaturity.

As parents, we're positioned to teach our teens about limits, balance and life ownership. One method is to create consequences, such as losing or gaining freedoms and privileges. Another is to allow natural consequences to take place -- a bad grade, or not having enough money for gas or going out with friends. If video games and social media are significant distractions, limiting (or even disconnecting) technology for specified periods may be helpful.

Help your kids learn to set goals and pursue them, with small celebrations as each objective is achieved. Involve them in choosing the goals, celebrations and consequences. Remind them that you want them to enjoy life by learning how to manage it well.

Have confidence in setting limits. You're not in charge of their happiness; you're in charge of teaching them and helping them move toward maturity and healthy decision-making. If you'd like to speak with one of our counselors, you can call 1-855-771-HELP (4357). You might also find our "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" Assessment to be helpful; see www.focusonthefamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm the father of a slightly "boy crazy" 14-year-old daughter. I'm really dreading the whole dating thing as she gets a little older. What can I do to prepare both of us?

Jim: Most fathers with daughters go through the same struggle watching their little girls grow up. I'd suggest you teach your daughter the proper role of dating by taking her out yourself, frequently.

Going on a "date" with Dad has many benefits for a daughter, regardless of her age. For example, as girls develop their identity, they measure themselves against the impossible standard of beauty portrayed by Hollywood. This is where fathers become very important. By spending time with your daughter, you can have a positive influence on her perception of herself.

Also, taking your daughter out on a "date" allows you to model how a man should treat her. By making one-on-one time a priority, you're showing your daughter she is valuable. And your acceptance for who she is will build her self-esteem. You can also help her develop a sense of individuality by listening to her and respecting the opinions she shares. Most importantly, spending time with your daughter regularly keeps her heart open to you.

So get out your calendar and schedule a "date" with your daughter. Let her suggest some activities she would like to do. It doesn't have to take all day, but make sure the time is special by limiting interruptions. The best way to ensure success in your daughter's future dating experiences is to make sure it starts with Dad.

Q: My teenage kids and their friends have all been talking about a TV series called "13 Reasons Why." I've heard some parents say that it's dangerous. What can you tell me about it?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Netflix's "13 Reasons Why" became a bona-fide cultural phenomenon back in the spring when the streaming service released all 13 episodes simultaneously. While Netflix doesn't give out ratings, a whopping 11 million-plus tweets were fired off about the show in its first three weeks!

To many adolescents, "13 Reasons" can feel both real and relevant -- a window into the stress and strife of high/middle school. But many mental health professionals are especially concerned that the show's graphic depictions of sexual assault, self-harm and suicide may do more harm than good. They have reason to be concerned. To date, multiple people have committed suicide after reportedly being influenced by the show, and sadly, more are likely to follow suit. For instance, two California teens killed themselves just weeks after the episodes were released, and their grieving families blame "13 Reasons" for their deaths. A 23-year-old Peruvian man not only committed suicide but also made audio recordings for the people he believed were to blame (similar to the plot in "13 Reasons").

Even if the show were a cautionary tale about suicide (which I do NOT believe), parents would have more than 13 reasons to steer clear. The show includes two graphic rape scenes, glamorized teen drug and alcohol usage, and language so harsh that it makes many R-rated films look Disney-esque in comparison.

If your teens are talking about the show because it's currently all the rage, I get that. But that doesn't make it wholesome or worthwhile. In fact, because of the way the show glamorizes problematic behaviors, I think it's just begging for further copycatting.

Still, the subjects that this show raises are worth talking about. We have resources at Focus to help you discuss its major themes (suicide, bullying, self-injury, rape and sexting), as well as a review of the show; see www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/13-reasons-why-not.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a newly married stepmom trying to build family connections -- but my husband's kids aren't exactly warming up to me. What can I do?

Jim: Being a stepmom may be one of the toughest jobs a woman can have. It can take a long time for kids to adjust to a new stepparent, no matter why the previous marriage ended. And in the meantime, home life can be pretty uncomfortable. But your relationship with your stepkids can thrive if you make respect your primary goal.

Stepmoms often respond to tension by trying even harder to create a loving mother/child relationship. That's understandable, but it usually doesn't work. If your stepchild feels pressured to love you as much as their biological mother, it'll drive them further away. That's just not a relationship they're ready for.

Authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley, who have both walked this challenging road, suggest a practical new approach in their book, "But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother!" Instead of attempting to take on the full role of "mom" right away, interact with the kids more like a loving aunt or even a camp counselor. That will usually minimize the pressure everyone feels to create an intimate mother/child bond. Make mutual respect the primary goal, and the loving relationship you're hoping for will have a chance to develop more naturally.

Meanwhile, you and your husband can smooth the path by working as a united team. Discuss and set household guidelines together, and model respect toward every member of the blended family equally.

If you could use some more help adjusting to your role as a stepmom, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How do I deal with a chronically late spouse? He's late for everything, except work. That makes me late, too, when we're going somewhere together. It reflects poorly on me, and I think it's disrespectful to others.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: To some extent, punctuality can be more critical in some situations than in others. "On time" can mean one thing at the office or in the classroom, but in less formal settings there's a lot more room for interpretation.

You need to begin with an honest conversation with your husband. Compare and contrast your personal definitions of the phrase "on time." Remember to use "I based" language as much as possible. Instead of blaming and accusing, say something like, "Here's what I'm aiming for when I think in terms of getting somewhere within a reasonable time frame. And this is how I feel when we're late. Can you see where I'm coming from? What do you think we should do about it?"

If you determine that your spouse's chronic lateness is connected to irresponsibility, passive-aggressive behavior or a conscious intent to offend, then some accountability may be justified. But if it's simply part of his personality, you may need to exercise grace. Remember, different people approach life differently. Some are highly organized, while others aren't. Some operate on a schedule, while others live so intensely "in the moment" that they have no sense of time and pay no attention to the ticking of the clock.

If differences of this kind are the sources of the conflict between you, you may have to figure out a way to accept the situation and move on. If you can't accept it -- even though you're convinced that there's no ill will on your spouse's part -- you may need to examine yourself to find out why his lateness bothers you so much. If worse comes to worst, it might be necessary to take two cars when you're trying to make it to a party or dinner date on time.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.