Focus on the Family

Q: We usually do Christmas as "just" our immediate household. A friend suggested we invite some neighbors over. What do you think?

Jim: Christmas is a delightful time of year. The parties, the festive decorations, the music -- everyone seems so cheerful and happy. But not everyone is.

Studies indicate that Christmas is the most likely time of year for people to suffer depression. That's probably because this holiday, more than any other, is a time of joy, celebration and family. Yet, for many, all that positive emotion only highlights the depths of their loss. It could be the passing of a loved one that's left a home empty and cold. Or maybe it's unresolved conflict that's separated a family and kept them distant. Whatever the issue, it's a common time of year for people to struggle against isolation and loneliness.

I understand that feeling all too well. Christmas of my sophomore year of college was a desperate time for me. Having grown up as an orphan, I had no home to go to for the holiday. So while all of my friends were enjoying family dinners, I sat alone in a completely empty dorm with no heat, eating food from the vending machines. During that time, I longed for someone to reach out to me.

This Christmas season there may be hurting people around you. Reach out to them. Let them know you care and help them feel connected. Your simple gesture may be just the ray of hope they need during a lonely and difficult time. And you might well make a new friend or three in the process.

Q: We try to make Christmas a reflective time in our family, emphasizing "the reason for the season." But on Christmas morning, that seems to fly out the window in a flurry of discarded wrapping paper. What can we do to keep things in focus?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Christmas is certainly a time of excitement, especially for little ones who've been eagerly anticipating it. But it's also easy to get caught up in the enthusiasm and lose track of why the presents are under the tree and ready to open. Curbing our human impatience takes intentionality.

I would suggest that you slow down as a family, taking frequent breaks while opening presents to savor the moment before moving on. There's no rule saying you have to open all the gifts in one sitting. Many households pause first to read the Christmas story from the Bible. Some will read a classic Christmas poem or tale. Admittedly, it may be a bit challenging with anxious youngsters eyeing the packages under the tree.

Many families take turns opening gifts one by one, then let the kids enjoy one present for a while. Some stop after a round or two and sing Christmas carols before resuming the unwrapping.

It's always a great idea to incorporate gratitude into the process. For example, before each person opens gifts -- or even each present -- ask him or her to pause to express gratitude. It might be appreciation for a particular character quality of the person who gave the gift ("Grandma is always so patient with me"). Or, acknowledging things that person did or said this year for which you're especially grateful ("John, thanks for encouraging me when I was having a hard time in English class"). The point is to connect the gift with the giver, and the love that's expressed through giving.

It may take a Christmas or two to find a good rhythm as a family. But intentionally slowing things down will help everyone remind themselves of the meaning of Christmas -- and enjoy it even more.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I went through an ugly divorce earlier this year. It's been very painful for both of my children as well. They're angry and have been dreading the possibility that their dad might ask them at the last minute to spend some of their Christmas break with him. What can I do?

Jim: Coming from a broken home myself (before being orphaned), I know well that divorce doesn't just tear couples apart. It can drive a wedge between children and their parents as well. And there can be plenty of anger to go around, which impacts all concerned.

Here are a few ideas from our counselors. First, encourage your children to express their hurt or angry feelings. Don't try to correct them. Just give a listening ear. If they're uncomfortable speaking to you, help them find other outlets for their emotions, such as journaling, music or art.

The second idea could be the most important: Model genuine forgiveness toward your ex-spouse (easier said than done, I know). If you're angry, your behavior could be confirming every negative thought your children have. Try to communicate a tone about the absent parent that will make it easier for your kids and ex-spouse to draw closer instead of further apart. For the sake of your kids, if you must voice negative feelings about the divorce, express them to someone else, not the children.

Finally, if necessary, find a third party who can help your kids work through their feelings. If you're not capable of filling that role yourself, set up an appointment with a pastor or a counselor.

If you feel it would be helpful to speak with one of our staff counselors, call us at 1-855-771-HELP (855-771-4357). Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com to find a therapist in your area.

Q: My wife and I got married last spring. We wanted to have our first Christmas as just us, and our families reluctantly agreed this time. But we just found out we're expecting. Once the baby comes, I'm sure every year will bring pressure from both sides (in different parts of the country) about where to spend the holidays. What can we do going forward?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I think any couple that's been married for any length of time has had some tension about where to spend Christmas. Should you spend it with her family or his?

Often, a lot of the pressure for this decision comes from the extended family members themselves. Her parents might insist on having their girl at home on Christmas morning. But his mom is fixing a huge dinner and says she'll be hurt if he isn't at home to share in it. And things can get downright ugly once there are grandchildren involved!

To help navigate this minefield, it's important to remember two principles: be fair, and be flexible.

When it comes to being fair, try to come up with a solution that works for both of your extended families. That might mean spending Thanksgiving with one family, and Christmas with the other, and then switching off the next year.

It's also important to be flexible and to think about what is in the best interests of those around you. Perhaps spending half the holiday in airports is not what your budget -- or your kids -- will handle well. Be realistic each year, and don't be afraid to tell your extended family if it's honestly not a good idea for you to travel.

The bottom line for husbands and wives is to engage in healthy communication on the subject of where to spend the holidays -- just like any other area in marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband lost his job five months ago, and money has been really tight. We're agonizing about Christmas. Our kids understand the situation, but I know their friends will all be getting the latest toys, games, etc. I'm dreading seeing their disappointed faces on Christmas morning. What can we do?

Jim: My heart goes out to your family. It's always hard to deal with financial challenges, but somehow they seem worse this time of year. That said, you might be surprised by what your children really want from you for Christmas.

A few years ago, a viral Internet video showed 10 families who were asked to participate in a simple experiment. The children -- ages 4 to 9 -- were asked to write a letter to Santa, listing what they wanted from him for Christmas. Not surprisingly, the kids were excited and had plenty of ideas, asking for everything from video games to musical instruments. One little girl even asked for a unicorn.

But then the children were asked to write another letter, this one to their parents. The task was the same -- list the things they wanted from Mom and Dad for Christmas. This time the kids were more quiet and thoughtful, and their requests were quite different. "Play with me more," one said. "Have dinner with us," said another. And on it went: "Spend a whole day with me." "Read us a story." "Tickle me."

Children love to get presents at Christmas. And we Moms and Dads love to give our children gifts. But as much as our kids may want that new video game -- or even a unicorn -- what they really want is time with us. As one of the parents in the video said, "Imagine! You want to give your kids the best you can. And the best is yourself!"

Many parents simply don't have the money to buy their children the latest toys and electronic gadgets. The good news is that to make a child's upbringing rich and meaningful, none of those are necessary. A little thought and creativity can go a long way.

So what I would suggest is that when your children open their (simple) gifts this Christmas, they find a wide range of personalized coupons for various times and activities with Mom and Dad. An afternoon at the park. Playing catch in the backyard. A game night at home. Make coupons that your kids can "redeem" at times of their choosing throughout the year, as well as planned events on specific dates.

Most communities have a number of fun opportunities to choose from. You can take advantage of museums, science centers and zoos in your area, most of which offer low-cost or free children's programs. (They generally advertise special days well in advance, so you can plan your schedule and coupons.) Many universities offer classical or children's concerts and Saturday morning theater productions for kids.

Every few weeks, go to the public library together. Check out books and DVDs that will introduce all of you to people and places you've never dreamed of before, and explore on a rainy or snowy day.

Try giving your children simple (or elaborate!) coupons for designated activities like these, as well as generic times like "an uninterrupted hour with Dad" or "baking with Mom."

You may have to get creative, but take heart! The happiest, most well-adjusted children are not those with every new toy that hits the stores. The kids who thrive best have committed, caring parents who take a genuine interest in their lives. So this Christmas, and throughout this next year, give your children the best gift of all -- you!

For more encouragement to make this season meaningful, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.