Focus on the Family

Q: We've done our best to raise our son into a mature adult. But now that he's finished college and is out on his own, he's making poor choices. We're disappointed and wonder where we went wrong.

Jim: When an adult child loses his way, it can be hard for parents to know where to begin. In one sense, you'll always be the parent, and he will always be the child you raised. At the same time, as our kids enter adulthood the relationship has to transition to a balance between independent people who make their own decisions.

Our counselors suggest you start by easing your guilt. Did you make mistakes? Of course -- every parent does. But your son is old enough to make his own choices and to take responsibility for them. So give yourself a break.

Secondly, understand that the burden of getting life back on track ought to be your son's, not yours. That's easy to forget. You can encourage him to make better choices, but he's old enough to take responsibility for his own life now. So point him in the right direction and give him advice if he asks for it. But let him be his own person.

Now comes the hard part: Let your son suffer the consequences of his choices. If you rescue him from his problems, he may never feel a reason to live differently. So don't be too quick to save him from self-inflicted pain.

Watching a beloved child make bad decisions can be tough. That's why it can be helpful to discuss your specific concerns with a qualified therapist. If you'd like some extra guidance from our counselors, I invite you to call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Our two sons (ages 7 and 9) argue all the time. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. How can I help them learn to get along?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Kids are only human, so they will argue with one another at times. The good news is that conflict resolution is a skill you can teach your children. Siblings who are close in age often need some coaching.

Here are some ideas to help your kids learn how to resolve conflict:

1. Teach them to clearly say what they want with respect. It may take some time and reflection for children to really know what they want and communicate it well.

2. Teach them to recognize their feelings and how emotions can work against them. For example, if you feel mad, that can prevent you from listening beyond your own wants and needs to hear the other person.

3. Help them understand the concept of team. Teach them how valuable this will be as they grow up -- in school, their marriage, parenting, work and community.

4. Guide them in learning to define the real "win." It's not about who's right, but rather what's best for the family and how they can bless each other.

If your children still can't resolve the conflict (meaning that each child feels heard and respected), you may wish to offer your services for hire. For example, I will ask my kids, "Do you need to hire me to solve this?" They know that it will cost $1 per minute for my help. The one who is charged is whoever isn't willing to compromise, listen or be part of the solution.

Parents need to be creative, consistent and engaged to help kids learn to deal with conflict effectively. Things might not change overnight, but your efforts will help your kids now as well as into adulthood.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I want to "connect" with our teenagers. But they have class, homework, jobs, friends and extracurricular activities. My husband and I both work and we're usually coming and going as well. Everybody in our house passes like ships in the night. So how's a parent supposed to connect with teens when life gets crazy?

Jim: With two teen boys in my home -- and since I'm often on the road for work -- I understand completely. It's challenging, but you'll never regret making the effort.

Start by making what little time you have together a positive experience. I encourage you to lavish love and affirmation on each of your teens. Go out of your way to tell them how proud you are. Even though I'm sure there are areas where they could improve, give them a pat on the back for the things they're doing well.

Then find ways to carve time out of your busy schedules. (I deliberately scale back work travel in the summer to spend time with my wife and sons.) Your teens may act like they don't "need" time with you, but I can assure you there's no greater gift you can give. Maybe it's an early morning before school over breakfast. Or perhaps a few minutes after school or just before their bedtime. Those one-on-one times with your son or daughter are priceless moments they'll always cherish. Time as a family is important, but time alone with your teens can breathe new life into your relationship.

Although your household is bustling with activity, don't let that discourage you. You'll be surprised at the difference a few moments here and there with your teens can make in your relationship.

Q: Should I go through with my plans to remarry, even though my intended spouse's children are against the marriage? In fact, they seem to hate me.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Entering a second marriage and "blending" a family is never easy. Research shows that a majority of remarriages involving children end in divorce. And if the kids are openly opposed to the marriage, it stands to reason that you can expect an even rougher ride than the average couple in your situation.

Without detailed knowledge about all the dynamics involved, we're obviously not in a position to make definitive statements concerning your chances of success. But I can tell you that blended families present parenting challenges that must be navigated with extreme care. An unsuspecting stepparent may be suddenly confronted with a whole set of long-standing alliances and power struggles.

If you decide to move forward with your plans, you're going to have to work extra-hard to overcome the barriers and develop positive bonds with your new stepchildren. It won't be easy, but it's part of the challenge of building a successful blended family. It will mean taking a sincere interest in the kids and spending lots of one-on-one time with each of them. In particular, you'll want to take special care to praise them at every opportunity instead of simply punishing them when they misbehave. In other words, make an intentional effort to "catch them being good."

Because of the unique challenges involved, we recommend that those who are planning to remarry and "reconstitute" a family should seek professional counseling well before the wedding. Couples who attempt to go it alone may be setting themselves up for frustration and failure.

Expectations, roles and parenting styles should be clarified and openly discussed with the help of an experienced marriage-and-family therapist. Our staff counselors would be more than happy to help you get started; call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I get so frustrated watching other families who seem to be perfect. They're like the old show "The Brady Bunch" -- the parents are loving, the kids always seem happy, and I never hear of any real problems. Am I just missing something?

Jim: We've all looked at co-workers, people at church or friends on social media and thought, "Wow, that family has got life all figured out." However, the truth is they don't.

We all wear a public face that shows us in our best and happiest times. The rest we keep private. My wife and I don't snap pictures of our kids when they bring home a bad grade from school. We don't pose for selfies when we lose our patience or when we're arguing with one another. I doubt you record (much less post/share) those less-than-perfect moments, either. And neither do your family and friends.

Many of those smiling children on Facebook and Instagram probably talk back to their parents or lie to get out of trouble. And I'm sure those moms and dads snap at their kids from time to time instead of patiently listening. That perfect meal recipe probably took several tries before it was post-worthy, and those folks might even have weeds in their lawn.

Perfect families don't exist. And if they did, I'm certainly not the guy who could tell you how to become one. But you and I are both fortunate because the goal isn't perfection. It's a family that is healthy and strong. That means Mom, Dad and the kids love each other and handle their problems with patience and respect. Anybody can work toward that. And we have lots of resources to help you do it at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My son (age 9) has a really hard time dealing with new situations. Whether it's starting a new school year or going off to summer camp, new people and places always make him uneasy. How can I help him handle new things better?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: New social situations tend to make some children apprehensive, especially if they're filtering the situation through a negative lens. Children need three foundational things to help them face new situations with a more positive viewpoint:

-- They need to belong. Many children spend a lot of emotional energy trying to fit in with a certain group of kids because they think they'll gain a sense of belonging. But genuine belonging means being a part of something, not just doing things to fit in. Talk with your child about his insecurities and about other kids' opinions of what's "cool" and what's not. Help him recognize that most of his peers also carry an "emotional backpack" full of insecurities. Guide him in discovering places where he could feel -- or already feels -- a sense of belonging even with his own "baggage." Remind him of the safety that begins from belonging within your family.

-- They need to feel they have worth. Many kids who are anxious in new situations are afraid of messing up or being ridiculed. They dread having their imperfections being exposed or not having control. Affirm your son's worth even with his unique imperfections. He is a one-of-a-kind, worthwhile person to know.

-- They need to feel that they're good at something. We all crave the confidence that comes from knowing we excel at something. I've dealt with several kids in my private practice who have abilities they don't think their peers or friends value. Guide your child through an honest inventory of his skills and talents. Encourage him to continue discovering what he's good at or could be good at with effort. And show him why those things matter.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.