Q: I recently married a relatively young widower with two children. Boom: instant stepparent. I'm doing my best to learn how to be "Mom" for my stepchildren, but it's a lot harder to connect than I expected. Help!

Jim: Becoming a stepparent can be rewarding. But it can also have its challenges. In your case, there's the added factor of grief over the loss of their birth mother.

Very few stepfamilies begin to jell immediately after marriage. It takes time for parents and kids alike to feel comfortable with their new living arrangement. So the best advice I can give you is don't hurry or try to force relationships to grow.

That's something author Ron Deal calls the "blender strategy." Blenders are what chefs use to force ingredients together. It works well with food, but not so much with relationships. If you push a child to connect with you, it'll backfire.

A more effective approach is what Deal calls the "Crock-Pot strategy." The idea is to allow family members to slowly find their place with one another. That means giving your stepchildren time and space to build a relationship with you. How? By being present in their life, but not pushing them to connect.

For example, your stepdaughter may be OK with you attending her soccer games, but she won't share her feelings with you. That's still an open door. It's a chance to engage her in a way she's comfortable with. So show up and cheer her on, but don't get impatient if she doesn't warm up to you right away. Let her ease into a relationship with you at her own pace. Over time, she'll likely soften.

We have plenty of resources for blended households -- including information about how to contact our staff counselors, if that would be of interest -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband and I had significant marital issues and eventually divorced, but later reconciled and remarried. Where we lived before, everybody knew our story in all its detail. We recently moved to a different city. As we make new friends, how much of our story do you think we should tell?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Nobody likes a scar. That's why most people keep them hidden. But with the right mindset, a scar can be a symbol of healing and strength for others.

Here's an example. When Dave Roever shipped off to fight in Vietnam, he told his fiancee he'd return without a scratch. But a sniper's bullet changed all that. The shot struck a phosphorous grenade in Dave's hand, which exploded, burning most of his face and body. His scars were so extensive that he'd never be able to hide them. So, Dave chose to use his wounds to bring healing to others. A well-known speaker, he has encouraged thousands of people not to hide their scars. He says, "Scars are evidence of pain, but they're also evidence you survived."

That same truth holds for the scars your marriage has suffered as well. I obviously don't know what tore your home apart. Whatever the cause -- infidelity, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. -- the result is usually the same. People hide their scars to avoid feelings of shame or humiliation.

But a scar can become a symbol of hope to others facing similar problems. Remember, a scar indicates healing has taken place. It means there was an open wound, but you fought through and mended what was broken in your relationship. I applaud you for that.

So, when it comes to your marriage, don't hide your scars. Let the world around you see them as a source of strength and hope.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We're doing our best to raise our children to be content with what they have. But that goes out the window whenever they visit my parents. Grandma and Grandpa give in to our kids' every whim, fill them with candy and soda, and buy them whatever they ask for. What can we do?

Jim: "Spoiling" grandkids is something of a time-honored tradition for grandparents, of course. But sometimes even the most well-meaning grandparents can take things too far.

Our staff counselors suggest that you take your parents out for dinner -- and a talk. After a good meal, let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Then ease into the "heavier" business of the evening. Let your folks know how grateful you are for their kindness and generosity toward your kids. But also remind them that too much of a good thing often makes it hard for your kids to keep their desires for "more" in check.

It will probably take some courage to have that conversation. But if you handle it with love and respect, I think most parents will respond with understanding. There's a good chance they don't even realize what a handful your kids can become when they're given too much. So be honest, but respectful, and you and your parents will likely wind up on the same page.

You might even take it a step further by strategizing with Grandma and Grandpa about how they can be proactively involved in helping to reinforce the lessons you're trying to convey to your children. For example, if one of the kids is trying to save money to buy something special, it's better for all concerned if the child earns some money from Grandpa by doing an age-appropriate job, instead of just receiving a handout.

For more tips to help your family thrive, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Our kids (age 6 and 8) seem to get overstressed really easily, and I'm concerned. How can I help them to deal better with stress and become more resilient?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Research shows there are four universal growth needs that must be met for children to successfully cultivate resilience: attachment, achievement, autonomy and altruism.

How do these help a child become resilient? When kids are properly attached, they enjoy the security that comes from knowing there are people they can rely on when times are difficult. A child who has a sense of achievement will learn self-confidence and realize they can rise to the challenges of life. Children with a proper sense of autonomy won't feel they are helpless to do anything about their circumstances in tough times. Kids who cultivate altruism will be able to express empathy. Life won't just be about them and their problems.

You have the awesome privilege of helping them develop the skills to manage stress effectively -- with a positive mindset that sees challenges as opportunities rather than problems. You are their primary connection, and you can foster a sense of belonging by giving them time and attention, by laughing and playing with them, and providing loving, safe touch. You can engender a sense of achievement by helping them discover what they are good at. Autonomy can be encouraged as you help them learn that changing their behaviors can change their outcomes. And you can develop altruism by actively teaching them to think about others and to exercise gratitude, kindness, service and love.

By the way, how do you deal with stress and adversity? Do you meet challenges head-on? Do you view the world fearfully, or as a place of hope and promise? The way you decide to handle these things in your own life communicates volumes to your children.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've been married for two years, and my wife is expecting our first child. I'm excited but terrified. My relationship with my father was terrible, and I'm afraid I'll be a lousy dad just like he was.

Jim: I completely understand. I used to worry that I'd be a poor father because my own dad was such a poor role model. He was an alcoholic. In his drunken stupors, he would threaten my mother and scare the daylights out of me. My dad walked out on us when I was just 5. For years, he floated in and out of my life, but was never a positive influence and didn't model for me what good fathering looked like. He mostly broke his promises and disappointed me again and again.

Research does seem to indicate that most of us parent the way we were parented. But we can break the chains of dysfunction. Learning to be a good dad hasn't always been easy for me, and it may be tough for you, too. But I was not "destined" to follow in my father's footsteps as a parent to my two boys -- and you're not locked in to how your dad failed, either.

The most important lesson I've learned is that being a good man and a loving father isn't about "fate." It's about choices.

To this day, I still parent out of the void my dad left behind, but I do my best to turn those negatives into positives. I make it a priority to connect with my sons in areas where my own father dropped the ball so terribly. I show my kids unconditional love and assure them that I'll never leave them, no matter what happens.

I hope you want to be a different father than you had growing up. Just remember that new choices aren't always easy, but they are possible. Your kids are counting on you.

We have plenty of resources available to help men be good dads at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My wife often vents about problems with her co-workers, friends and family members. I can usually see a reasonable solution, but she never seems to want to hear it. What's wrong?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Here's the deal -- as guys, we like to fix things. That's a useful skill when it comes to cars and broken lamps, but not so much when it's your wife.

It's a pretty common scenario in a lot of relationships. Even now, as a trained expert with more than 25 years of marriage behind me, I still forget and do this to my wife, Erin. She'll start to share her feelings, and I jump in with the perfect solution before she's stopped talking. That's when she'll cross her arms and look right through me -- and I realize I made a big mistake.

This issue gets to the core of who we really are as men and women. Guys try to take the mystery out of things, especially relationships. We reduce things to their basic parts and solve what's wrong. We're quick to identify both the problem and the solution, and we want to just get it fixed and move on with the least hassle possible.

However, women generally want to be heard and connected to, not "solved." It's part of their relational wiring. The "process of processing" is what helps most women work through things.

So remember this the next time your wife opens up: She's probably not asking you to crack a code or solve her problem. She just wants you to listen and offer your love, understanding and support.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.