Focus on the Family

Q: I know I've gotten a bit overweight. I've tried all sorts of diets, etc., but I just can't seem to lose even a few pounds. It's very discouraging and affects how I feel about myself. Should I just accept that I'll never succeed?

Jim: I can sympathize. In my mind, I'm still the svelte teenage athlete I once was. But reality is something different!

There's no real mystery to why we gain weight. We take in more calories than our bodies can use, which is easier than ever to do. Portion sizes have grown larger, and fast-food and pre-packaged meals are now staples of the modern diet. Americans also tend to be less active than past generations.

So obesity is pretty easy to understand. But so are the nuts-and-bolts of exercise and nutrition. Our activity levels need to go up, and our time in front of TVs and on the internet needs to go down. Solutions can be as simple as walking 30 minutes each day. Exercise doesn't have to be strenuous; just get moving. As for nutrition, keep it simple. Fad diets don't last. So make food choices you can stick with over the long haul.

But this all misses a bigger question: If good health is that basic, why is it so hard to lose weight? The answer is that changing bad habits is tough. To stay on track, you need the support of others. Research shows that people who have a strong community of support are more likely to lose weight and keep it off.

So what's the key to shedding those unwanted pounds? A little bit of grit -- and a whole lot of encouragement from people you trust. Don't go it alone anymore.

Q: My husband and I are so busy that it feels like our lives run us, not the other way around. We're worried about how this is playing out in our parenting, especially since our energy is so low when we get home. How do we address this problem?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: You're definitely not alone in this -- our whole culture runs nonstop. As parents, we have to be the ones pressing the pause button of life to gain perspective and shift our mindset. It's all about being intentional.

Being intentional means prioritizing how to invest your time and energy. It's recognizing the importance of establishing boundaries -- learning to say "no" to some things so that you can focus on your kids. And it's about understanding yourself well enough to know what recharges you; for example, maybe using your lunch break to work out, read a book ... or even take a quick nap! Finding a balance strengthens your ability to parent well.

Parenting doesn't demand perfection, but it does require the intentionality to effectively manage your:

1. Time. Obviously, we all have a limited amount of time to work with, but your schedule is yours to manage. You might be surprised how small adjustments can add up to make a big difference.

2. Attention. What captures your attention -- and why? Again, attention is something you control, but you'll have to be intentional about where it's pointed. You can give your kids attention up-front through your relationship, or you'll most likely spend a lot of time correcting and dealing with behavior issues down the road.

3. Boundaries. What are your priorities modeling for your children? What can you say "no" to in order to say "yes" to your family?

Intentionality may sound simple, but it requires energy and time -- two things many of us feel we lack. So we have to adjust our priorities accordingly. For more on intentionally prioritizing -- one of the "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" -- see focusonthefamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I recently married a relatively young widower with two children. Boom: instant stepparent. I'm doing my best to learn how to be "Mom" for my stepchildren, but it's a lot harder to connect than I expected. Help!

Jim: Becoming a stepparent can be rewarding. But it can also have its challenges. In your case, there's the added factor of grief over the loss of their birth mother.

Very few stepfamilies begin to jell immediately after marriage. It takes time for parents and kids alike to feel comfortable with their new living arrangement. So the best advice I can give you is don't hurry or try to force relationships to grow.

That's something author Ron Deal calls the "blender strategy." Blenders are what chefs use to force ingredients together. It works well with food, but not so much with relationships. If you push a child to connect with you, it'll backfire.

A more effective approach is what Deal calls the "Crock-Pot strategy." The idea is to allow family members to slowly find their place with one another. That means giving your stepchildren time and space to build a relationship with you. How? By being present in their life, but not pushing them to connect.

For example, your stepdaughter may be OK with you attending her soccer games, but she won't share her feelings with you. That's still an open door. It's a chance to engage her in a way she's comfortable with. So show up and cheer her on, but don't get impatient if she doesn't warm up to you right away. Let her ease into a relationship with you at her own pace. Over time, she'll likely soften.

We have plenty of resources for blended households -- including information about how to contact our staff counselors, if that would be of interest -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband and I had significant marital issues and eventually divorced, but later reconciled and remarried. Where we lived before, everybody knew our story in all its detail. We recently moved to a different city. As we make new friends, how much of our story do you think we should tell?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Nobody likes a scar. That's why most people keep them hidden. But with the right mindset, a scar can be a symbol of healing and strength for others.

Here's an example. When Dave Roever shipped off to fight in Vietnam, he told his fiancee he'd return without a scratch. But a sniper's bullet changed all that. The shot struck a phosphorous grenade in Dave's hand, which exploded, burning most of his face and body. His scars were so extensive that he'd never be able to hide them. So, Dave chose to use his wounds to bring healing to others. A well-known speaker, he has encouraged thousands of people not to hide their scars. He says, "Scars are evidence of pain, but they're also evidence you survived."

That same truth holds for the scars your marriage has suffered as well. I obviously don't know what tore your home apart. Whatever the cause -- infidelity, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. -- the result is usually the same. People hide their scars to avoid feelings of shame or humiliation.

But a scar can become a symbol of hope to others facing similar problems. Remember, a scar indicates healing has taken place. It means there was an open wound, but you fought through and mended what was broken in your relationship. I applaud you for that.

So, when it comes to your marriage, don't hide your scars. Let the world around you see them as a source of strength and hope.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We're doing our best to raise our children to be content with what they have. But that goes out the window whenever they visit my parents. Grandma and Grandpa give in to our kids' every whim, fill them with candy and soda, and buy them whatever they ask for. What can we do?

Jim: "Spoiling" grandkids is something of a time-honored tradition for grandparents, of course. But sometimes even the most well-meaning grandparents can take things too far.

Our staff counselors suggest that you take your parents out for dinner -- and a talk. After a good meal, let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Then ease into the "heavier" business of the evening. Let your folks know how grateful you are for their kindness and generosity toward your kids. But also remind them that too much of a good thing often makes it hard for your kids to keep their desires for "more" in check.

It will probably take some courage to have that conversation. But if you handle it with love and respect, I think most parents will respond with understanding. There's a good chance they don't even realize what a handful your kids can become when they're given too much. So be honest, but respectful, and you and your parents will likely wind up on the same page.

You might even take it a step further by strategizing with Grandma and Grandpa about how they can be proactively involved in helping to reinforce the lessons you're trying to convey to your children. For example, if one of the kids is trying to save money to buy something special, it's better for all concerned if the child earns some money from Grandpa by doing an age-appropriate job, instead of just receiving a handout.

For more tips to help your family thrive, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Our kids (age 6 and 8) seem to get overstressed really easily, and I'm concerned. How can I help them to deal better with stress and become more resilient?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Research shows there are four universal growth needs that must be met for children to successfully cultivate resilience: attachment, achievement, autonomy and altruism.

How do these help a child become resilient? When kids are properly attached, they enjoy the security that comes from knowing there are people they can rely on when times are difficult. A child who has a sense of achievement will learn self-confidence and realize they can rise to the challenges of life. Children with a proper sense of autonomy won't feel they are helpless to do anything about their circumstances in tough times. Kids who cultivate altruism will be able to express empathy. Life won't just be about them and their problems.

You have the awesome privilege of helping them develop the skills to manage stress effectively -- with a positive mindset that sees challenges as opportunities rather than problems. You are their primary connection, and you can foster a sense of belonging by giving them time and attention, by laughing and playing with them, and providing loving, safe touch. You can engender a sense of achievement by helping them discover what they are good at. Autonomy can be encouraged as you help them learn that changing their behaviors can change their outcomes. And you can develop altruism by actively teaching them to think about others and to exercise gratitude, kindness, service and love.

By the way, how do you deal with stress and adversity? Do you meet challenges head-on? Do you view the world fearfully, or as a place of hope and promise? The way you decide to handle these things in your own life communicates volumes to your children.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.